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jessica - LiveJournal.com
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to all the girls (and boys) i've loved before
I just read my last post and realize its time to update, at least for the couple of you who still read this damn thing, and the offchance one of my other friends will get a wild hair up their ass to see whats going on in the world of lj and stumble upon my post. ahem
Darling Carly, if you read this I want you to know how moved I was by your myspace post of your grandma. It was such a pure statement of love and admiration. I wish I had words but all I have is a heart that knows all too well the pain you are feeling. Hug your mommy a lot, it will do wonders for you both.
Jonathan, the ever elusive international man of exsistential crises.. I miss the hell out of you. Somedays I wake up extra early and sign on to AIM hoping beyond hope to see you there. But alas I must wait for that fabled promised letter... oh how many nights I lay awake and wonder if it really exists and if I will live to see it cross the ocean between us (deep and pretentious as it may be).
Mark, ain't life a kick in the ass? We talk so much about it but its really true, this world gets curiouser and curiouser. You meet new people, you lose new people, and sometimes you feel like you managed to f**k up the world of a person you just met.
And now to that person whose world I fear I am f**king up... my sincerest apologies. I hate that you feel you need to defend your right to be happy. I hope I had at least a small part in said happiness. And finally, I wish that everyone you care about cares enough about you to be happy that you are happy.
Actually that last sentence applies to everyone. Christmas is comming and soon a new year will be upon us and I think this one should be happy. Especially since so many of us have had a 2005 that was less than wonderful. Perhaps a worst year in the life for some of us. Happiness is fleeting... enjoy it while its here and try not to spend too much time worrying it away.
p.s.
in no way shape or form have you overstayed your welcome. just know that.
On Saturday my grandmother died. Its easy to type and easy to say to ppl who were there, but I have no real desire to tell anyone. I want the world to go away. I want to just detatch from everything. Healthy coping mechanisms eh?
I mean she isnt sick anymore and she was suffering so much that I am glad she is finally at peace. Its the emotions I have to deal with that is the tough part. My missing her and desperately needing someone to just be there. Not because I ask and not because I guilt them into it but to be there because I need them to. Because they want to make sure I am ok.
I guess times like this helps put things into perspective. You can finally weed through what you need and what you dont. What you deserve and what you dont. I just want to start over in so many ways.
I feel like my world has been a jumbled mess. There is a huge lack of sincerity in my life. It feels like nothing is geniune... its all "what can you do for me?" type things.
I just need to start over. I am tired of friendships of convenience. The ones that matter are the ones you can inconvenience over and over again and nobody is keeping score.
I am tired of not knowing what is what and being too afraid to ask. I am so sick of wasting my time waiting for something that I cant change. I am worn out from trying to tiptoe and adjust myself so as not to offend or bother anyone.
Because no matter how thoughtful, or nice I have been told I am, it has led to me sitting here crying alone. An other night of reminding the ppl in the living room that I work tomorrow (so be quiet already) an other night of me feeling pushed aside by everyone. An other night of anayzing everything I said and did in the last two weeks that would make someone who swore they would be here for me no matter what brush me off for a bday party for someone he hardly knows.
I am tired... emotionally worn out. I feel like I have no more to give and I am ready to blow up at the next person who has the nerve to make me feel guilty for having feelings.
Sorry but I needed to vent.
Yowza
Its been quite a while since I have been here. So its been quite a while since I read anyone's journals. I had taken a bit of a vacation from the internet, to free up some time. But that time was quickly taken by helping David put together his room. Ok so we tried to but it always seemed more fun to eat mexican food and watch tv. I think we may have found the best Mexican food in Modesto. La Hacienda... yummmmy.
Anyway hmm what else have I done? I went to LA for the big pres day weekend. I went to Disneyland and it was so rainy.. and SOOOO FUN. I met Hercules, a million Mickeys, Goofy, Chip and Dale, Minnie, Cruela De Ville, Woody, Turk, and ummm I think thats it. I had a blast. Then off to TJ. Bought so much fun stuff and even surprised myself at how well I could speak spanish. I haggled like a pro.
Then I almost died on the way home. We went over the grapevine amid tornado and flash flood warnings. But we made it safely home. It was tons of fun and I cant wait to go back. Carly I waved to you and David and Andy as we passed that exit. I wanted to call you when I was there but really it was a whirlwind weekend...
Umm I have seen some movies, Motorcycle Diaries was insanely gorgeous. So moving and sad... I love that they didnt decide to let Che's involvement in Cuba and stuff overshadow the film. I know it was based on his writings and stuff.. but you know sensationalism... I dunno I liked it. Oh and supersize me.. I am so on this no preservative kick... easy to have about this time in the valley. I can exist on fresh fruits and veggies.
Wait I also saw I heart Huckabees. That movie just said it like it is ya know? Its great how you can have a movie that sort of seems to explain that unexplainable stuff (those rules and theories) existing inside your head. That stuff you cant even imagine anyone could understand. Its just so. Ya know? Anyway a great movie to spark conversation. SO smart and snide and with such a simple message. Or is it? muuuaaaahhhh
Up ahead for me... a planned trip to NYC may be postponed.. or may not. Nicole and I have details to work out. Oh yes and some funtime puppysitting is in store for me. Billy is gonna be gone for a while I get to watch Kepple. That makes me happy. I cant wait to walk the little guy everyday. Shhh I may not want to give him back.
from bad to worse
I can not even begin to get into half of the reasons I feel blue. Did anyone see Ella Enchanted? Well she is given this gift at birth, the gift of obedience. She has to do everything anyone tells her to do. I have never related with a fairytale princess more in my whole life.
It seems I have gotten to this point of numb. I am right back where I started. Today my dad was rushed to emergency. After about 2 hrs of me sitting in the waiting room and frantically looking for my mom (who by the way needs a freaking cell phone) we find out that his lung collapsed.
People have 2 lungs.. one of my dad's lungs had a softball sized tumor and has been weakened with radiation. Luckily (?) the good one collapsed. How is that lucky.. dont ask me, ask the Dr.s.
I hate this feeling. Even after all of the therapy I have been through I have no idea how to answer that age old question "is there anything I can do? " Deep inside I want to scream "YES" and let out a laundry list of what I need emotionally. But I know its just a courtesy question and it just comes out of certain people. Like nobody really cares how you are... they just feel socially obligated to ask.
Pity. Obligation. Cleansing of the guilt of some wrongdiong by being here. I have no idea how to sort out in my head why certain people offer so much. I can't make myself need anyone right now. And that makes me feel so empty.
overwraught and underappreciated
Do you ever wonder what it is you did to make people treat you like dirt? I mean you can be nice and thoughtful and take more crap than a septic tank and its almost like you are suddenly more deserving of torture. I guess there is a fine line between being supportive and being a doormat. Sometimes I am at a loss.
Humanity baffles me. I have such faith in people, as far as them being basically good , and it never fails to dissapoint. It seems the more I give and the harder I try the more they expect and the less they appreciate it.
Do me a favor. Take a look at the people in your life. People at work, family members,friends. The ones that you know you can count on no matter what. Then , for a moment, think about the time and effort they take out of their daily lives to help you , support you, encourage you, just generally make you feel ok with you. Think about the emotions they may have pushed aside, the things you have said to eachother that disappear at the slightest hint of your needing them. Think about the zillion other things they have to deal with in their own lives, and the zillion more you will never hear them complain about.
And at that point, when you have considered all of these things.. give them one great big thank you. You cant for one moment begin to imagine how much those two words mean to someone. They would mean the world to me right now.
I miss the world being small. Like when I was 6 and I thought staying at my aunts house in modesto was a vacation. Ooh big city.
I just miss simple. Adults dont like simpe. Sometimes, in fact, things are so simple that someone won't (or can't) believe it. Drawing a picture and spelling it out only seems to reveal more layers and only causes further confusion. I want simple back in my life. Easy, and honest.
I work in preschool and I have a theory. I think the right mixture of play doh and crayola crayons may just be able to cure the insecure swirling emotional rollercoaster of adulthood. It just might work.
I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. There is too much going on in my world. I just felt like I wanted to hold my breath and cover my eyes and ears until it all went away. Its not even a matter of things fixing themselves.. yesterday I just wanted everything to go away. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted to cry. So I screamed and I cried. This morning I ran.
I mustve been tense because last night I had a dream that I was worried. Then I started to scream and I wanted to cry and scream in my dream. I kept running in and out of this grocery store.. wanting to just claw this persons face off but then getting in there and thinking he doesnt deserve my emotion. I cried and cried in my dream.
Ok that may be enough of an update. Going to San Diego and Mexico for presidents weekend. Then (hopefully) NY for spring break. Yeah real vacations...
i think therefore I am ?
I am an imaginary number
1i
I don't really exist
_ |
what number are you?
this quiz by orsa
How funny is that? Anyway I hope everyone had a great holiday season. Mine was filled with too much beer and too many tamales ("is that possible?" the white man asks). It was funny being a grown person on christmas break. I mean I had my schooltime holiday with my adult resonsiblities and freedom. SO so weird.
So now that everything is back in full swing I guess I should get going. Anyway who cares what I say... I dont really exist.. whhoooohhooooohhooooooooo
miracle on monte vista
Christmas spirit was snowing around me and yet I felt none. My bells did not jingle, my halls were undecked. Pushing myself into the season I went on a journey to purchase a freshly slaughtered bit of nature to sit in my house. I planned to cover its beauty with tinsel and lights. Each lot I drove upon was dark. It seemed the christmas spirit is only available until 9pm. Sadly I journeyed back to my undecked halls... back to the stockingless chimney, back to wait... whats this? Green and red lights burst from the sky. Jingle bells rang from miles around. In the distance I think I even heard santa's jolly cry of "ho ho ho". Yes ladies and gentleman this evening a miracle occured that restored my faith in christmas... tonight I .. I saw a man rididng a unicycle.
God Bless us Everyone!
Wow, its so funny that you can feel so alone in this world for so long and then BAM all of a sudden someone says something or looks at you a certain way... or even, for a split second, seems to see the world the way you do...and it all seems less scary. It's funny because just a small encounter like that can provide you with enough hope to see the rest of the world more cearly. Like that self debasing and self loathing haze has cleared and what you had been ignoring or not even seeing at all is just so there.
Wow that sounded like I was on drugs. You know it's so true that there is a whole world out there.. just most of us are too scared to look beyond the tips of our noses to see it, especially here in the turlock zone. The world is bigger than the 30 or so ppl you worry about and obsess over everyday. Sure some may be more important than others.. some dissapoint, some dont understand... some you dont ever want to lose.. but the world goes on....
I can't understand or say why people do what they do.. some of them can't understand or explain it either. I just wish some people would take more time to think about why they are doing something instead of just doing it. So much is said about "living in the moment" but I think that term is so widely misused. I don't think it means dont worry about the consequences... I think it means to enjoy each moment as it comes as fully and honestly as you can. And those two interpretations , my dear, are what sets the men apart from the boys.
Does anyone else find it odd that hope and fear are two opposite emotions but they seem to rise and fall along with eachother at the same rate?
I just wish people would (could) be honest about who they are and what they want/need from this world... honest to themselves mostly. Because once you can be honest with yourself, the rest is cake. Give someone you love a great big hug today. Tenderness is an endangered resource
yowza
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
makes waay more sense than the other one!
p.s.
I am tired of moving UGH!
Umm what?
I don't get it even more...
Heres to good friends
Last night I was driving down the street. It was so bright outside.. autumny late afternoon bright. As I walked along I saw Carly in a car.. she waved happily. Then I continued on along the road, just a block away from my elementary school I came upon my destination. Carly's doorstep.
Her dad answered the door and said she wasn't home. I said I would wait and then me and my friends piled in to Carly's house. Her mother was unseen but said from the back room, "She has been crazy working on all her art, I asked her to clean up. What a loon". I chuckled at that ..a loon, that still makes me chuckle.
My friends and I sat in a circle in Carly's living room waiting for her. David was sitting there with a red bear amulet hanging from his neck, it was on a blue string. Dustin and ooh um the younger brother Dillon is it? anyway they were sitting around chatting with us. This girl from work was there suggesting she did heroin.
Finally Carly arrived with a videocamera. She was so excited to see us. She sat in the room adjacent to us as she watched TV. We were watching the same thing in the room we were in. We were commenting back and forth how cool the show was.
That was my dream last night... whatever could it mean? Who knows but it made me smile because even when I am dreaming visiting Carly's family is such a pleasant experience. Yeah Orange county (and NOT because of the damn show)
the giving of thanks
I know that this is a few days early but so many people are going to be traveling or too busy in the next few days that I thought I would take this oportunity to give my thanks...
This year has been a tough one for me... from the very first day! I want to thank everyone who was there and sweet and supportive through it... even if not for all of it...
Thank you for dealing with my moodiness. Thank you for trying to work through my emotional rollercoaster. Thank you for listening. Thank you for accepting my apologies. Thank you for not giving up when I begged for your advice and then didn't follow it. Thank you for being there through those times when I was miserable for no good reason... and thank you for being there when I had reason to be miserable.
Living with depression it is easy to feel alone and isolated...unloved and like such a burden. Having talked to a therapist and learning how to be me again I am begining to realize how insanely lucky I am! Sure there are things I have lost... times I missed out on ..all because of my refusing to get help when I needed it.... but those are decisions I made in the past and I now know I can't change that. I regret hurting so many people... I regret not being able to see it when I was doing it... but I am so thankful that no matter what I was never truly abandoned by anyone.
Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!
ARTISTS WELCOME
I cant sleep. Yet again... That makes day 3. Ugh. My tummy is in bad shape. Even after I put that stress reducing mediterranian diet my dr recommended into effect. Yummy food.. but still icky tummy
:(
So so much today. I started to write again... pouring out of me, as they say. I had forgotten what a release that was.
I am on a mission to make my sister eat more healthy foods. So every other day at I pack her a lunch. First day it was lox and low fat cream cheese on a whole wheat pita with tomato, some grapes, and a low sugar cookie. Today it is a yummy salad with spinach and mandarin oranges. I MADE MY OWN SALAD DRESSING AND CROUTONS!!! Color me proud.
There seems to be a bit of an artist colony forming here at my place. Hizzah I say long live the arts... hizzah! Next time I will participate.. but I was writing and that is an art itself.. by george I was participating... horray... um i mean hizzah
I am going to Mexico in the spring. I am so excited. Who better to go with than the love of my life... Nicole :)
So now, in addition to this artist colony thing, I am delving into Mexican art, poetry, novels, movies... the whole nine yards... I am going to see Frida's blue house and the murals that fueled a revolution. Man oh man.
I am reading Rain of Gold by Victor Villasenor. If anyone has any more Mexican authors to read or artists to check out let me know.. oh yeh or music ... *sigh*
Just popped a tums.. off to bed perchance to sleep.
dreaming
Ever have one of those days when you desperately want to talk to someone but nobody around seems to be good enough? Like I mean they wont be able to listen without judging. When you just need someone to remind you how wonderful you are without having to tear down any number of people. Ugh I dunno.. does anyone get that?
I just feel insanely misunderstood right now. It seems as if I can say whatever I want but it wont matter. Interpretation is the name of the game.
I really do just want to fall asleep, like sleeping beauty. Just lie there whilst the world figures itself out. Then, after my prince charming has slayed dragons and faced his demons, he comes to me and kisses me. I wake up and everything is sunny and beautiful. Birds are singing and people have missed me so much that all that ridiculous bs they are holding against me fades away.
Oh yeh and I would own the greatest castle in all of southern california. Ahhh to live at Disneyland in my very own castle..
Sleeping Beauty, prince charming, people who actually LISTEN wow what a dreamer I am. *sigh*
you've got to LIVE LIVE LIVE!!!
I was angry the day after the election. I guess I was just hoping for someone else to have a chance to fix the mess we have gotten into. Not just because of Bush but because of years of mismanagement of international relations.I just figure he had a shot and I think it was time to give someone else a shot. I do accept his presidency.. I also respect Kerry for trying to be a good role model for the nation by graciously bowing down.
I am done bellyaching about it and am looking forward to see what he does in his last four years. I am not moving to Canada.. or threatening to.. what a copout THAT is. Being a good winner is just as important as being a gracious loser.
Ah well.. so I saw the Incredibles.. it is so great and .. I have to say .. incredible. I loved the animation and the style and oh yeh the character interaction. Incredible!
My job continues to kick ass .. I LOVE IT!!! I love the kids. Some of the adults I can do without!
I guess there isnt much to say. My personal life, for now, shall remain personal. Life changes everyday and I am starting to be happy about it. The newness of it all mixed with the familiarity makes for some fascinating and enjoyable moments. I am comfortable in my own skin again. That feels damn good!
Kerry is the president of MY united states
I am so sad. I was looking forward to having a crush on our president. Ah well. Maybe in four more years. He does deserve a lot of respect for stepping down like a man. The right made Gore look like a wuss and a whiner .. this time Kerry stepped down like a man. Ok so the crush continues.
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