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i'm fancy, don't you know? - LiveJournal.com
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2011
Man, 2010 was shit. So many bad things happened. It was probably one of the worst years of my life. It had it all: death, cheating, break up, lies, bad friendships, backstabs, alcohol abuse. I feel like I almost lost myself. I did stupid things I never thought I would do. I can only hope 2011 is much better.
My horoscope says I'll be traveling a lot this year and questioning who I am and life. The funny thing was, that my friend was the one that looked up my horoscope and showed me. I'm not a believer of such things, but for once I hope this is true. I have a trip lined up for Japan in August. It's what I've been working so hard since September about. It's honestly the only thing I know to do. I feel like I need to do something amazing and great, but it hasn't come to me yet, and I feel time is running out. I know going to Japan and Italy is splendid, but I need to do more. I refuse to just sit down, I can't sit down. I need to go out and write, or make music, or do something. But nothing comes to me...the melodies or words don't flow.
I need to be new again.
gtis byrjun
Today was very bittersweet. Ever since I was seventeen years of age, I have always wanted to smoke a cigarette with my father. It would be a sign that he accepted me as a man, I felt. It was something he always did. Today you came looking for the stuff you left behind. I tried doing my best to forget you, despite all the dreams I had of you. I got a job, and kept myself busy. I buried myself so deep into trying to get to Japan, that I tried to believe you were some girl I dreamt up.
But there you came. I told my brother not to let you in. I was angry. So angry that you abandoned me and decided you didn't need me. I was angry you came back for your things, things that weren't even yours. You left behind things you gave me. I was angry you came back to prove you existed. Realistically, I eventually would have to acknowledge you in fact did exist....but I felt I would come to that moment in time after I emotionally healed. You said, "I thought it would be better if we didn't run into each other" which I felt made it worse. You basically were trying to do the same thing. To not see me or run into any memory. You moved on.
I got my brother to give you back your three stuffed animals, one book, ring, and one t-shirt. I do not understand your logic for picking up your things. But I arrived home in a ruined mood. The wall that took so long to build had been breached easily. I marched to my room ignoring my brother and his girlfriend. I took my cigarettes and put my jacket on to smoke outside.
When outside my father came out. His first words were, "I know you smoke...that doesn't bother me" and he took out his cigarettes too. At this moment I felt tears forming on my face. He kept saying "Don't worry.." and that my ex would not find someone like me, which was true. He said that from every door that closes, ten more open. And I sat there in silence with him smoking. I looked toward the stars, to hide my face from tears. It truly was a moment that I smoked with my father that had meaning.
Now I go back to rebuilding my wall, brick by brick.
It's another one of those nights, staring at a blank screen. I know I'm not the best person, but I try really well to be there for everyone. I'm so nice it's ridiculous. But when I talk to people on facebook, or aim, or text, or real life, or anywhere...they don't really listen or talk. Maybe I should be old enough to just take care of myself. I just turned 23, and I understand I shouldn't let stupid things get to me....but there's no manual for being twenty three years old. I don't know if what I feel is right. I feel rejected, and pure hatred. I feel hatred for my ex that I gave two years of my life for...for her to cheat on me.
I took her back because I realized I made mistakes too. I really did love her. We were set to move out, and she lays down a bomb on me. One day you're on top of the world, the next you're dusting for scraps. I shouldn't be so depressed about it, but I feel like shit that I sacrificed so much tears, dreams, money, and days of my life. I couldn't go to school this semester, I lost the girl I believed to be the love of my life, and I couldn't move. I'm f**king afraid I have no friends anymore. I hate being dependent. I hate living here, all my friends cheat on their girlfriends and f**k girls every night, they're all shady. It makes me sick, and I have to see this shit every time. I know I shouldn't care about this stupid shit. I want to not care, I want to so bad. I do wanna just be over all of this and start school and work, but I can't help but feeling f**king sad.
I feel pathetic even posting this shit on here. Goddamn. I just wanna be happy again. I just wanna talk to people.
I don't even know what to say man.
I think I need help.
We said goodbye today. Extreme sadness in my heart, emptiness. My heart is shattered.
The quest to find myself starts again. Not even, I have to learn to crawl before I can even walk. Goddamn.
slow descent
What's happened to me.
so many things.
embarassing and essential. Learn and grow, to find out you didn't know much to begin with. repeat.
ma i
just empty space
Soooooooo sleeepyyy...just wanted to update real quick. I had a good birthday, spent it with the ones I love most. Start school soon, been playing premier league fantasy football, trying to win. Peaceee!
"you're gonna need to grow up some day peter pan"
Why is it that I'm turning 22 in just a week or two....yet I don't feel that age, or even do lots of things people that age do. I don't even look my age. Maybe one day.
Booo, I need something fun to do this summer. I was going to go to New York and watch the Gold Cup finals there but plans changed! I need money. Help? In return I'll leave this pic of me in a go-kart.
hot sauce
Yo. I'm so bored, no ones talking to me, no ones calling me, the city is asleep. So weird, somewhere in Japan they're eating lunch right now. Anyways, everything is good. I saw the Chicago Fire take on Chivas USA today. Of course, shitty refereeing....thus Chicago winning. I wrote an awesome guitar riff the other day, any takers on starting a side project? I'm feelin' artistic this summer. Anyways, everything is well with the girlfran. I'm currently missing her mucho! It's been kinda weird when a lot of girls hit on me, cause it's been a long time since i've been in a long relationship, but it's all goood.
Anyways, when two people know each other well...when they have a strong bond, they can read each others minds. You know that? forreal. This sounds like a drunk entry, so maybe i'll put this one on private too. haha
f**king b***h
Motherf**ker. Cross that, so I passed the exit exam, but failed the class. Fuccccccccck! in other news, heading to miami possible on saturday.
7 months today <3
f**k yeah!
Mission accomplished! I finished the Fall semester, and finished my math final. I had to cheat to pass it, but f**k it. I'm so happy right now! :D
I got'cha back, hit me up anytime
Still waiting to go to a different world, become the protagonist, do something big. Waiting forever, wonder when it'll happen?
dream over?
took forever for that sun to shine
Damn man, life is really beautiful, it really shines through all that ugliness! Looking through pictures...i've been in pictures with people that have been dead, married, pregnant, ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, lovers, haters, and really i'm just so glad to be alive. Forreal. So crazy...i'm just happy to be where I am, I remember just being in fifth grade wondering how long it would take to "grow up". I'm still not done growing! but damn. It feels good to be this far. I guess i've just witness so many people really growing up...people that used to be skinny are now fat, people that used to be alive are dead, and damn, time really does go by fast.
I guess i'm just kinda ramblin', but chances are if you're reading this i'm glad you're still in my life. Lets grow old together and not let memories fade!
crisis averted
Wow, am I late for an update. I guess to make a long story short: I went on tour, it wasn't half as bad as I thought. We actually ate healthy and for the most part had a place to stay. I'm glad it wasn't any longer though. I got to meet Cait (doverpeak) in Connecticut! and sadly I didn't get to meet bagel, even though we were literally about 15 minutes from each other. Ahhh sucks! but I met a lot of other people on tour too. I formed a camaraderie with our tour mates Change of Ideas, and together we went and play shows throughout the East Coast.
I'm still with my girlfriend, it's gonna be six months soon, five officially. I'm still in school, and now trying to form a clothing line with some people soon. If we manage to do everything right, I know it'll do well. It sounds clich, but I find most clothing brands so repulsive and sloppy. I'm trying to take in a lot of urban type ideas, and Japanese and European type influences. I know it'll take a lot of time, ideas, promoting, and work.
I think...that's all. I pretty much lost a really close friend, I guess a best friend you can call it. I tried, but in the end I guess he severed that bond. Maybe one day we'll be close again. Anyways, here are pictures from tour.
 </a>
^^ All of us including me looking like shit. No sleep. haha
South Carolina.
So i'm back from tour. I can't really update fully cause I have no internet. I'm currently at school. More to come when I get internet.
On tour
In a few hours i'll be leaving on tour. Man, I'm so nervous. I miss my girlfriend so so so so much. It's crazy. I haven't talked to her in days because she's on a cruise and she has to keep her phone off (because of roaming charges) So I have to talk to her until Saturday. She wrote me a letter for every day of tour though as a my christmas present, but I can only open one letter a day. Today is day six, so I have to open it. Man, I really just hope this goes by smoothly and quickly. I wanna be back home and with my girlfriend real bad.
For those of you outta state coming to any shows, check the dates/address here.
(www.myspace.com/therookies407)
(www.myspace.com/changeofideashc)
Dates:
Jan 1 - Our drive up
Jan 2 - Murky Upstairs in Arlington, Virginia
Jan 3 - LFM Garage in Forked River, New Jersey
Jan 4 - Double OO Pub in Redford, Michigan
Jan 5 - Red Planet Skatepark in Oswego, New York
Jan 6 - Woodbury Skii Area in Woodbury, Connecticut
Jan 7-8 - I don't know what's going on these dates, nothing is booked. So I think we come back down? I'm not even sure though.
Jan 9 - Black box collective in Orlando, FL
Please, wish me luck and a safe trip. I can't wait to have her back in my arms. f**k. Happy new years everyone.
moosejuice
Things are so good right now. Christmas was good, I got a PSP and a game. I miss and like my girlfriend so much, we've become so so attached. We pretty much see each other every day. Today she left though...and I won't see her for another 16 or so days, because by the time she's coming back, i'm going on tour with my band.
I'm kind of afraid and unmotivated by the tour. I feel like it's a burden, and I don't really wanna go that bad. Mostly because of the time of weather...I have no coat and it's snowing, barely any money, and I hate not having a plan. I keep feeling like i'm gonna die or something can happen on tour, and I really don't wanna be in the situation where i'm updated on someones livejournal about how I died, i've seen that too many times this year. It's really scary how many people i've known that have died. And here I am, venturing into the great unknown. An astronaut on earth, in the dark and the cold on my musical excursion. f**k.
Why do I get put in adventurous situations when my life is finally getting perfect.
seven
Heh, man, my girlfriend is so cute. I've been really really happy lately. I surprised her and wrote her a song for our month and she gave me this book called "I like you". Needless to say, I've been smiling since. Anyways to wrap up my life:
- My band played with attack attack, gwen stacy, my children my bride, and stick to your guns last week. We've been playing bigger shows lately, and we recently got shirts and hoodies out. We go on tour January 1st til the 10th. The dates are already booked. So if you live in New York, CT, NJ, PA, NC, SC, or anywhere around there lemme know.
- I start school again the 12th, two days after I get back from tour.
Damn, basically to wrap it up...i'm in a really happy time in my life. I think this girl is just what i've needed and have been looking for for a long time. We basically do everything together. I see her almost every day, and it's weird...cause when I don't see her I get in this blah mood. So i'm just happy. I'm happy with her.
 </a>
the Lion
Man...I wanna tell you I feel like a little kid when I see you. That I get so full of courage and happiness and wanna go on adventures and see things with you, that I become fearless when I see you, high under the influence of your eyes. I adore every minute of being with you. I wanna tell you.
But i'm just a boy, and I don't say that stuff. If only you knew.
the wolf with wings
What a day today is. The day that crafted and molded me into the person I am now. It's crazy to say nothing happened today, when years ago everything happened today. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes you'll go kicking and screaming, but eventually you'll take flight.
Sit and delivered the lines that would prove to be the seeds of trust
I am genuinely happy. For the first time in forever, I am really really happy. Not like, fake happy, real happy. Not satisfactory happy. I've just felt like...I've been going on small adventures every few days. It's really quite refreshing. I have an awesome girlfriend, I had to go through some drama with a few people, but I'm happy that's over. I went to Disney last weekend with my family and my girlfriend, we went to Animal Kingdom and MGM Studios. Then today we saw Changeling. My brother got a job at Polo. My band won battle of the bands a few weeks ago, and I also jammed with my old Of All Reasons bandmates.
And i'm touring, this is officially confirmed. We already have almost all the dates booked. I think, this is the best life has been in a good while.
 </a>
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