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a new chapter in an old book - LiveJournal.com
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a new chapter in an old book... some things never change
it looks like livejournal may have come back a little bit while i was gone. it looks like i have a lot to change here. while i seem to be in the same place i have always been, the adventure between then and now has been amazing and should have been documented. but what was it that happened? oh yeah, facebook. with its one to four sentance statuses that tell everyone in your life the condensed version of whats going on? my creative writing suffers because i no longer write about my real life like it was a story, but more just a phrase. i may not fill in the gaps here, now, but may reference them later. i'm not done writing the story of my life. i always wish i had someone to tell all of my thoughts to. i feel like, now that i have so many friends, if i feel something and dont have anyone to say it to that i should keep it to myself. anyone who has ever read this journal would know that would make me crazy. i remember when gary decided i was airing my personal laundry too much on this site and how lonely i felt not being able to write out my thoughts for public viewing. he made the point that its silly and i know that it is, but if i can open myself, i can be free. if the truth is always able to be found, i have no reason to lie. if i can say irrational things to myself, i am less likely to make irrational decisions. my life is an adventure and i would like to get back to documenting it.
well then
alot of things have happened since i last wrote and a lot of things are happening now and in the near future. im getting old and everything is changing, you cant be punk rock forever. i will be trading in the stripping industry for the bar industry and i already have my foot in the door. i should be living by myself soon, something that i am actually really looking forward too. while i love my roommates, ive found that i just prefer to live alone. i have finally become comfortable with being single, ive gotten used to the idea of having to be patient with love. you cant just love anyone, so the idea that the person you will love will be one of the first few people you encounter is rediculous. im not saying it cant happen, im just saying im finding its best to wait.
wow so
its been awhile since ive updated, but ive been a busy girl. what with getting myself in a relationship with addison that he very quickly ruined and then him ruining every other aspect of my life. mostly coming from him losing his job and making absolutely no effort to get a new one, but also from him just being a complete loser all together. we all know ive been down that path a million times so i was quick to cut it off. only a couple of months wasted on him. also, i went to jail a little while back. ill be going back to jail probobly sometime around summer. ill be fine, im totally set to sit it out, all i have to do is get my outside shit in order.
in new, happier, more exciting news, i have met someone who borderlines on perfect :) his name is shaun and we met eachother a couple of weeks ago through andre (of all people) he caught my attention right away because he was wearing a jack-o-lantern shirt. we got to talking and he loves halloween and scary movies, and works at haunted houses. his dream is to own a haunt thats open 365 and hes so creative, im more the technical side so between the two of us we would have an awesome haunt together. he was really impressed that i worked at the parker house and i told him about texas frightmare weekend. then we started talking about movies and thats where he got me. he brought up more than one movie i had never heard of and was all "really? thats a classic." so i decided we needed to do a movie night. we went to his housee and i just about hit the floor. movie posters, skulls, bones, and haunt props in every room. <3<3<3 yessssss. we talked through every movie he put on, we just have so much in common.... and then the sex. oh my god the f**king sex. its phenomonal. that was 2 weeks ago and i have spent maybe 2 nights without him since then. not everything is perfect there though. you see, hes recently out of a year long relationship (as in only a few days before he and i met) and hes agreed to try to work things out with her at some point in the future (hes so honest with me!!!). i know. my loveluck is totaly gay, but i figure i will ride this out as long as i can. its worth it to me. let me put it like this, normally when im single everyone sees my guy collection list. theres normally about 4 and they interchange and such, not this time. im single and im only dating one person. this is so unheard of for me, i just dont want anyone else. if i were to try to date around right now there would be bunch of broken hearted motherf**kers in my life. because he is so close to perfect for me that i wouldnt want to waste my time on anyone less.
im really excited about all of this and the possiblities there. i hope that in a few months ill be writing in here about having the perfect boyfriend.
so i was wrong
it happens. i thought it was okay to let my guard down and it wasnt. on top of being like every other guy, hes not even very good at it. everyone who plays the game knows you always avoid haveing your guys/girls in the same place at the same time because its not only a quick way to get yourself caught, it is also overly disrespectful. if you do and you have actually been smooth enough to get away with it, dont go home with one when its what you promised the other. so what happened, you ask? well, last night of the haunt there is always a party, so he went with me to get the jameson before we opened. he contimued with his charming "i actually care" front on the car ride including us getting into why gary and i broke up. all night we were flirting little bits here and there. a quick stop in my room to talk to mme and my actors, a poke in the ribs in the break area, a quick slip of hands or flirtatious whisper when no one was looking. i couldnt wait for the party because i really thought something wonderful would be coming. and at the beginning it really seemed to be that way. we shared our first kiss. we had a few drinks. we were having a great time. then he tells me his best friend is coming up to the party and that he and her have history, that she was very flirtatious and not to be jealous. that was fine, i knew who he was coming home with because we had talked about it earlier. i knew it was a lie at the time, but it didnt really matter to me. it was a smooth one though, ill have to give him that. so i gave him his space and they hung out together for the rest of the party. i turn around at one point and hes giving hugs and telling everyone goodbye. i ask him where hes going and he didnt answer or look at me and practicly ran out to her car. i was crushed. you know, not everyone gets this cause not alot of people have close friends whos sons are close enough in age to date. but generally, when you do, they are off limits and you only get involved with them if you absolutely cant help yourself. i really dont think brent understood what i was putting on the line for him.
i cancelled our date after that ofcorse and went to the bar to have a men-suck party. i got rediculously drunk and got it out of my system. while i was drunk i came to the realization that i have some wonderful men falling all over themselves to be with me and that, if im going to find someone to focus on, it should be one of them. so ive been out all the rest of the week. i met a new guy who shares alot of the same nerdy interests as me and is in school to be a history teacher and we have been out twice, and i have also been out twice with addison who told me yesterday that he loves me. im a little scared of that, but i do like him quite a bit and he listens when i tell him something, so who knows.
excitement
so..... i think i may have finally found someone. i dont want to jinx it by naming any names, but i will tell you this, hes a rare type of guy. he actually has feelings. hes sensitive and empathetic and passionate (about things, i havent even kissed him yet) and beautiful inside and out. hes damn near perfect. we have been flirting a little while but only recently admitted our attraction to eachother (yesterday he said he thinks he has a crush on the devil and i just about melted {i was satan for halloween}) so, to avoid f**king this up, im going to avoid all the other guys. you had to gasp, right? i know no one saw this coming since i was finally so happy with my single player ways, but thats always how it happens, huh? we have a date... i wont jinx it by saying when or what we are doing, but we do and im excited :)
so appearantly he thought i was just calling to gossip about monica and her boyfriends fight, and didnt realize i was in it. he appologised... i forgave him.
eventful, to say the least
so, i have been really busy the last couple of weeks. i have been busting my ass at work trying to put together money for a car and i have been out alot in my time off. here it goes.
the week before last malory and i went out and she introduced me to her cute friend john. we really hit it off. we went skinny dipping, we had some drinks, i accidently shut his finger in a door (i know, im so charming. lol) and he got very cutesty kissy cuddley with me. so i put his number in my phone and lo and behold the next day my screens turn black. so, i called metro pcs' insurance people and they tell me the upgrade is on back order and i will have to wait for it. fine. i can deal with not being able to send or recieve texts for awhile. not like anyone ever really texts me anyways, right? wrong. i swear i didnt get many texts before my screen problems and now my phone is just blowing up with texts every day. things got pretty borring there for awhile after that, and i spent quite a bit of reflection time at home with my no weed. wich, in the end got me looking around at pictures of "them" together, and for the first time, i wasnt mad, i wasnt hurt, i was talking a little shit in the back of my head, but thats just because im a b***h... or so i thought. the next day im all "yey! lets have a couple of drinks because im finally feeling better!" and jennifer came back to work that day too, so i was extra happy. my customer came in with a big bottle of crown and i told him about it and he says to me that he thinks that im not over gary because it was the first thing i mentioned when i sat down. it was one of those "damnit, your right" moments. we talked about it a little and came to the conclusion that while i may be ready to move on, im not over him. well, several drinks later, near the end of the day, it hit me like a ton of bricks and i started crying. jennifer was trying to comfort me and domino came up between us, so i started talking to her. well, jennifer turns to someone and says she should kick garys ass, and all domino heard was she was going to kick someones ass. so domino was quick up out of her chair chasing jennifer and i had to tackle her. they both got suspended that day. malroy and cali convinced me to go out with them to a bar and on the way malory got into a car accident. no one was hurt, the other car looked fine, malorys car got the hell crunched out of it on the front corner. it was still drivable though and malory still wanted to go out. so we get to the bar and im hungrier than hell cause i didnt even get a slice of the pizza i threw in on that the club, and my heart was set on mozzerella and maranara. luckily there was a pizza shop right next to the bar and i go in and the cutest guy is working the oven. so, after hyping myself up, i finally get up the guts to ask him for his number. he gives it to me and starts telling me about how beautiful i am and how he would have never had the guts to ask me for mine. it set off my night. we went to the bar and danced so much i was in pain the next day, it was awesome. i tried to call him friday, but no answer. anyway, saturday rolls around and i meet this nutcase that has a cute little friend who was really into me and just had to have my number, wich made me feel awesome, wich helped me make alot of money at work that night and monica and i had alot of fun together. so much fun infact that we lost track of the time and didnt get out of work til 4. monica starts panicing because she was supposed to be home at midnight. she asked me to come hom with her because her boyfriend wont hurt her if theres someone else there. wrong. we had not even been at her house for 20 minutes before i heard her yelling and crying. so im up and on my feet and he and i got into it bad. he kept trying to beat on her and i kept trying to protect her and in the end i had tore a few giant gashes in his neck from where i tried to strangle him and he was made to leave.* monica was crying at first when he was packing up his shit, but by the time he was headed out with his last bag we were both talking shit and laughing at him all the way out the door. by that time it was already light out, so monica and i didnt get to go to sleep that night, we just went to work dead tired. monica was bragging all day about how i came to her rescue and tore his ass up, wich made my limping around and our bruises not so bad, because they werent the bruises of victems, they were battle scars. later i got a call from eric (the guy with the nutcase friend) and we went on a date that night, wich was awesome. we went for a rde on hs motorcycle, got some tacos and beer, there was lots of playful banter and me showing off my little projects and it was really great. so i start thinkig my dating life is really taking a turn for the better with all of these awesome guys that im meeting... or so i think until monday night when im dead board. i call addison (the pizza guy) and no answer again. i have left 2 messages with him now and still no call back. i call john and he tells me he and his ex got back together. i would have called eric but he lost his phone right before we met, and he has still not called me since our date. i would have called andre but *i called him right after the fight and left a message about what happened, and he never called or myspaced or anything to ask if i was alright, so im pretty upset with him. yesterday i went out and bought my car. a 1999 ford contour, i was so excited, until it started f**king up this morning. just shutting down completely while i was stopped once and once while i was idling out of a parking spot. i got to work and who should come in? andre. i did not speak or so much as look at him at all while he was there. it was a crappy day for money so i left early to get some things done at the haunt. i stopped down the street from my place to get some tacos and my car wouldnt start. at all. not even turn over nothing. so i was on my phone for about an hour dealing with that, and had to walk home. at this point i felt my day had been bullshit, so i went to bed way early for me. i wake up around three and andre had myspace me. what the f**k is my problem, he didnt appriciate being ignored today blah blah blah. so appearantly its okay for him to gnore me when i need someone to talk to, but when i ignore him when he just wants to hang out, i am f**ked up..... because that makes tons on sense.
i told you things had been eventful.
so, heres whats been going on lately
i have become pretty miserable with my current situation. im living in a hotel, alone, with no mode of transportation. im also not getting laid wich really dosnt help with my mood. so what am i going to do about it, right?
well, for starters im making an effort to drink less at work, a couple of super hung over mornings has been helping out with that one. lol. im also making an effort to stop just sitting around hanging out with people that dont want dances, wich is going to be really difficult when a friend comes in but i think i have a system worked out so that i can make it happen and still be able to spend some time with my friends. im also making an effort to be on my phone less on the floor wich has been pretty easy since my phone is all half broken and a piece of junk. i am currently saving my cash up for a little scooter so i can get back and forth without having to pay a cab wich will save me 20 a day and add an extra 20 on most days because ill be more likely to get to work for shift pay. once i do that it should be easier for me to save up the money to move into an apartment farther from the club. i am also seriously concidering trying to take on a roomate. just a couch hopper who will give me 100 a week to sleep on my couch, and really its not even about the money its more about me not being alone. dont get me wrong, i love having time to myself but i get so lonely sometimes and then i do stupid shit or i get so desparate for a little attention that i wierd people out. problem is that most strippers cant be trusted and the ones that can generally already have thier shit together.
heres whats been going on with my dating life
Brandon- i broke things off with him. im probobly going to get some shit for this because hes a good guy, but things just werent working with him. i rarely ever got so see him when one of us wasnt working and it has been complicating me getting my shit together. we would see eachother sometimes early in the morning, like still dark out early, wich f**ked with my much needed sleep. sometimes we would see eachother at the club and i would just sit and hang with him instead of trying to make money. what made it all even more f**ked up was that, after the sacrifices i would make to hang out with him, we would be so worried about what i might have been doing while he wasnt around tha we couldnt even enjoy our time together. it just had to end. we are going to go on one last date, but i told him it had to be at a normal time like normal people, so it may not ever happen.
Domino- the newest addition to things. i finally got my female. lol. she is so hot and we have so much fun together. her boyfriend is really good about the no touching me rules, but unfortunately he has his own list of rules for me and her. like no messing around when hes not around, wich is pretty gay, but ill live. the other is no other guys, for now this is not a problem cause im not serious with any guys, but it will eventually make me stop seeing her. if i get serious with a guy it then becomes both guys get to watch or niether of them do, such are the rules.
Andre- so, andre has rejected my advances for something a little more serious, wich is probobly for the better with the haunt coming anyway cause im not going to have alot of time for a relationship. im really really unsure on what he wants and how he feels so i am just going to stop trying to make things happen with him. im not going to send him messages unless he sends me one first (with the exception of the drunk texts that i cant stop myself from sending to him). i am going to stop taking off days im supposed to be working to try and see him and as far as trying not to spend so much time with him when he comes to the club, well, we will see how that works out when it happens next. but i am giving up on trying, he knows i want him and if he wants me he will show me.
Yun- he is probobly the sweetest, least complicated guy im messing with right now but for some reason the chemistry hasnt developed. i dont understand it. we have so much fun together, hes down to try just about anything, he listens to the things i say, hes smart, hes romantic and he really thinks alot of me. to the point that he assumes i must be able to pull in guys so much better than him that hes too nervous to sleep with me. maybe it would help with the chemistry if he had better self confidence?
whats mesed up about this is that they all wont sleep with me because they think i am sleeping with the rest of them, and the only person i have f**ked in the past couple of months is a girl.
in other news, im going to try to get on medication for my depression. it is to the point that it is ruining my life. its part of the reason i have f**ked up relationships with people, its part of the reason i cant motivate myself to work, and its a big part of the reason why i am not handeling life on my own well. i got the numbers to some clinics that will help me for cheep and possibly let me pay out my bill. i know ive been a big anti-medication person in the past, but i just cant do this anymore, i cant function like a normal person and thats really all i want.
i made stuff
i did. for real im getting better at photoshop.
so i made this one out of a tatto design, black rose, and a cool optical pattern.
this one ofcorse was a tatto design and two mudvane logos. i made it for andre because he loves mudvayne too :) he likes it.
he learns nothing
so, gary read my last post and got all upset about it. granted, i figure he would but i didnt write that post for him, i wrote it for my sanity. see, a friend of mine has been in therapy and one of her exercises is to write down all of her thoughts and emotions o attempt to bring balance back to her life. now, the crazy has been a coming on a little stronger than usual lately so i decided to give it a try, and you know what? it worked. i was still unhappy about everything i posted about, but i was at peace with it. well, i tell gary this and he starts reading through a bunch of other things ive written and he decides he is the root of all of my problems and it would be best if we didnt see or speak to eachother. i tell him thats not going to help (dude, its not even his stuff thats been upsetting me, id see it weather i spoke to him or not) but ofcorse, who cares what i think about whats best for me, and he deletes me from his myspace. i am hurt. REALLY f**kING HURT. and hes got it private, so i cant even check up on him. so yeah, he read the post, but learned nothing from it. what the hell? i mean, its my emotions and if i thought it was best for me to not have contact with him or not be able to check up on him then I would have deleted HIM. what he needs to do is just go ahead and come out with the truth wich is that that was the best opion for HIM. im sure he thought that would make him seem selfish, but it makes him seem alot worse when he is making my damn decisions for me. i f**kING HATE that. what the f**k ever, i knew that wouldnt change.
so, in thought yesterday i realized why i am being such a psycho sometimes and scareing off all of hese guys. i really think i have it figured out. so, for 2 years i formed my life around garys. i changed my schedual at work so we could spend more time together, changed clubs to work closer to home, worked my ass off to make sure we had money to do things we wanted, traded in going out with friends for sitting on the couch with him, keeping my weekends open (including not schedualing trips to see my family) to make sure we could do what he wanted to do or had planned. my life was about him and now that i am without him i dont know what to do with myself. so, unintentionally, i have been trying to build around these guys that i have scared off. stevo, bobby, andre, all scared off (although andre seems to like coming back for more just when i stop caring that ive scared him away.....) because im trying to spend so much time with them right off the bat. and its not that i HAVE to be around them all the time, its that i dont know what else to do with myself. so, here is my solution, i am going to start centering my life around me. i am going to work whenever i need to to make what i need (wich im already doing, but thats because i am a responsible stripper) i am going to start going out with the girls again (as long as i dont have to spend much money and its not on a big money night) when i go on a date we are going to do what i want to do (whenever i actually have something in mind, that is) and when i want to spend my after work time by myself, im going to do it. im done doing what everyone else wants to do or what everyone else wants me to do. the only way i can stop being a super psycho b***h is to make MY life about me.
its about f**king time
that i get all of this shit off of my chest. i am f**king pissed as ...
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