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Yes I meow - LiveJournal.com
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Maybe if I keep sharing it will hurt less.
More stupid nights (well mornings rather) of laying in bed feeling like there are vines literally strangling my throat. What a stupid stupiod stupid way to feel! Even more annoying because I know its foolish and I just need to learn to let go. I'll probably rant more here, but not in this post. Instead Im going to list things I experience throughout the day that I should focus on, appreciate, etc.
Today during my first walk, just before we reached the house, I spotted a deer standing ever so still behind a neighbors house. It was beautiful, though sadly a little thin. Im sure the snow isnt helping. As I looked back I realized there wasn't just one deer, but three. One of which was small and must have been born in the spring.
At 2am, as I layed down to try to sleep, I was joined by my dog Lau who settled into the back of my knees, my old cat Murdock who tucked into my belly and proceeded to snore, and White Paw who purred loudly while snuggled into my back. I was literally surrounded my simple little furballs of love, who may not understand whats going on right now, but gave me as much love and warmth as they possibly could.
While ranting to my mother on the phone today about being lonely and missing having someone to truly vent to, she reminded me that I always have her.
My scaredy cat Asher actually going up to Lau Lau and rubbing on her not once but twice. Asher rarely rubs against anyone.
First post in 20 weeks
I think I stopped posting because I had penpals, played wow, had a job, home, etc. Of course Im posting now at 12:30am because I can't sleep. Full of worry and fret, but isn't that usually when you post? When you're feeling extraordinarily happy or upset?
There's just so much on my mind. I worry about not having a real job. Worry about the money I could be making, should be making, to help pay bills and make it so Pax and I can actually do things like go on a date or a vacation. Then I worry that I wont be able to take care of the house, of the grocery and eating habits of everyone. What kind of job can I get? Something else menial? Can't really commute far, my car isn't long for this earth.
I worry about the fact that Pax wants to have children someday soon and I no longer know if I really want to bear that burden? And the fact that I even think that way! Plus if Im getting a job is it one Im leaving so soon to have kids? Will that be enough to pay off debt? How can one think of kids under the burden of debt??
I'm lonely here. I made a friend, but in her presence I am left wanting for the friends I had. Does that make me a terrible person? Is there anyone out here who will become a friend like they are/were?
These choking feelings catch in my throat and strangle me. No longer I can't sleep. My mind wont stop. Cant focus on the good it seems, so foolish really.
Tomorrow
We officialy move furniture! Got a great rate on a 24 ft Budget truck for $75 including the mileage it will probably take. We have one person coming to help, luckily its the guy I call Super Boy, so we are in good standing and my back can cry a little less.
The kitchen is 85% complete, just a few more dishes, the contents of the fridge and of course the dining table to go. I scored a great deaL on some solid oak chairs, 4 for $85! Originally the lady wanted $125 but I didnt call her back right away so she called again. She even delivered them to my house today. Its nice to have real chairs to use and not the rickity plastic metal ones we found dumpster diving.
Thursday the cats all go in for their yearly physical and depending on how the day goes we may move them to Round Hill. If not definitely by Friday. Between those two days I need to clean the apartment so we get our deposit back. Should be pretty easy with no furniture in the way.
So much to do, so little sleep.
Ah that lovely drowning feeling
This is just an emotional dump needed to try to clear my mind.
I'm feeling an extroardinary amount of stress at the moment. Ridiculous considering I was really lucky to have not one but two friend visits within the last week, but at the moment all I feel is that keen sense of lonliness.
Most of my stress is based on money woes. I feel crsuhed by bill worries. I want a job asap, well as much as one can want a job. I just need something, anything to get me by for at least the next few months. I hate not being able to buy groceries without worrying. Its really rather annoying. I know these anxieties are just exacerbated by the stress I'm going through right now.
We will be officially moving this week, whether on Tuesday, wednesday or Tursday I dont know. Pax sent out a brief email to see if anyone at the fire dept can help and that will determine the day. This is a good thing but at the moment it feels more like a noose tightening around my neck. Im worrying about whether or not everything will truly be ready to be shoved in a truck. Gah! Well at least it will be there and we can stop this stupid back and forth every day crap. That in and of itself is costing more money than we should be spending.
Another major point of stress is my parents and the things they have/want to bring to the house is a major point of contention. While I know they only want to help, this need to bring things down right away is immensely frustrating! Theres too much crap to fit in their car, but the rocking chairs and other various furnishings arent enough to fill a moving van or warent to insane $400+ they want for the rental! I had a blow out with my mother on the phone saying what a waste of money it is and that it be better spent just giving to me! haha
Then the whole conversation de-evolved into a frustarting lack of communication. Most of the time my mom talks on the phone within earshot of my father, which modifies her ability to communicate. Its amazingly aggravating to have what amounts to a one sided conversation. Again I know they want to help but I think they dont realize that a lot of the help feels like they are trying to take over the furnishing and decorating of my house. Perhaps Im just over reacting due to being stressed and emotional, perhaps not. I'm not so sure anymore.
We left it at basically pushing out the date of when I will come to visit, so now I have no idea of when I will get up to MA. This smacks in the face of how lonely I feel. I was looking forward to seeing my friends, now its not going to happen at least not for a while. But it cant be sooner because I cant have my parents stay at my house, there's no room well technically no bed which is the major issue.
Ugh! This is a circle of anxiety. I know it will work out, I know I will not actually be crushed by these issues and feeling but thats what is swimming in my mind.
Thank you Oops Section in the Paint Dept and a long ramble of paint
The idea of cheaping out on paint in a very poor one, yet one we all have. We watch these DIY shows on HGTV that say they bought $100 worth of paint for an entire house and voila! Instant Make over! Yeah, well, thats not quite so accurate. When youre thinking of painting you usually forget all the little things that quickly add up in wallet damage.
First things first, you need to clean those walls. Seriously folks, how often do you clean your walls? Not often and especially not unless theres a direct stain, like jelly on the kitchen wall. Dont ask, lets just say Pax is very liberal in his jelly use. So back to cleaning, you need this stuff called TSP. Great stuff! Though I went with the TSP alternative because you didnt need to rinse it. Its hard enough wiping down walls, why go over it twice?
With that TSP you need buckets to put it in, you also should be wearing gloves. No, you dont HAVE to, but ouch this stuff is harsh! If you are washing the ceiling you might want one of those handy sponge mops. So now we have buckets, TSP, gloves, mops on our list...and we havent even painted yet!
Prior to painting you have to prime, really, you have to. Why put in al that work only to have it chipping right off because paint doesnt stick to paint all that well? We purchased 2 gallon size buckets of water based Killz which was affordable at $24.95 each. So far one bucket has gotten us through the kitchen, hall and living room. Of course we are forced to put on many many many coats due to the doodles and sponge painting the previous owners liked. If we didnt need to do that I feel pretty confident that 2 gallon bucket would last through 3 rooms.
Now the paint. Oh the arguements people will get into reharding the type of paint. There are die hard advocates of Benjamin Moore, experienced users of Ralph Lauren, overall the only thing most agreed on is that Behr sucks. Which is a bummer because Behr definiately has a more user friendly assortment of color swatches and design books listed for free at Home Depot.
We are going to go with Benjamin Moore for the kitchen and the living room, which will be a lemon yellow and a spring green respectively. What made the decision was mostly access to paint samples on the day we decided we need to know NOW! This is probably a foolish way to decide, but noone ever said we were smart. Down the road from our house is a nice small independent paint store that sold samples of BM paint. The goal was to compare two colors per rom, kitchen, living room, bedroom.
We bought 6 samples for a whopping $25, yikes! Back home we were able to see how the colors looked on the walls, but I will say that I was extreemly dissapointed in the limited amount of samples that BM has, something like 200 out of their 6000 paint colors. The two brown/beiges we choose for the living room were terrible, the darker one looking like something you would find in a diaper! Out of the two kitchen yellows, one barely looked yellow at all! Instead it seemed like a cream, truly aggitating when I think of how much that stupid little bottle was! For our bedroom we had chosen a pale blue and a spring green, but decided to throw those colors on the living room wall after how terrible the browns looked.
The light blue was nice and I wouldnt have minded using that, though that would make both living rooms blue, which makes me think that we would refer to that side of the house as the blue wing. The green was initially startling, but very compelling. Its such a pretty green. It will require a bit of work to match furniture and decoration, but it will be well worth it I think. Our current blue furniture, what there is of it, will fit happily in the blue room :)
I did try putting that light blue down in our basement bedroom, but it looked blah and washed out. While we have a window down there, its technically under the deck so the amount of sunlight is limited. I was a bit frustrated because I didnt want to be stuck buying more pricy samples and I was begining to doubt the integrity of buying expensive quality paint for a room that is never going to look great. My salvation came in the form of the oops section at Lowes where I located a taupe/beige color in eggshell finish by Valspar for $5! That'll do pig, that'll do! I know I can liven up the room in other ways and saving myself $45 on the paint is motivating for sure.
Well that was quite a segway from the list of wallet ransackage. Besides primer we had to buy rollers, roller pads, trays, handle extensions, edging pads and drop cloth. havent used the drop cloth yet, instead Ive lined most of the house in newspaper. It has an odd puppy training feel to it and the ink gets all over! The edging pads were something I was curious about, having read many reviews from the UK advocating them. They are awesome! Very convenient to use, especially in high corner places. They apply a thin coat, which is the only drawback, but Im thinking of buying the next size up to use during actual painting. Has anyone used them? If not, did you use rollers? What brand of pads did you buy, cheapies or ? Or were you a brush fanatic?
Now I need to find a decent shade of white that I can use through the house on the windows and trim. It needs to coordinate with the vibrant colors we have without being too bright. Some of the other rooms we have will likely not be fully painted but the built in shelving really needs it.
So far I think we have spent $125 in supplies and prep alone, that may be an over exaggration since Im not looking at the receipts, to be honest Im a bit afraid to...
Home-ownership is bad for your diet.
This past week of home "work" has been terrible for our diets. The stess encourages the consumption of chips or cookies. When not stress-eating, the shear amount of work means we find ourselves ravenous! So much so that its like I never pack enough food to bring with us. It is rather frustrating! I will be happy when we are finally done painting the kitchen so I can at least set up the basics. Even just having a pot of water to boil would mean a much needed bowl of noodles would be an option.
Oh and the fact the Ice Cream truck comes through on the weekends doesnt help, haha!
So today is a much needed break day. Yesterday was full of priming, priming, priming. The rooms are going to need at least 2 coats, though that horrible cranberry red hallway may need 3 or even 5. Another annoying thing is that the terrible trim in the kitchen will not disappear. Its been three coats now and yet it still shows. Seriously people, dont stencil your walls, its just wrong.
Tomorrow may be another pseudo rest day. Ruth has an oh so fun colonoscopy schedule for 11am so we may not be free to go to the house until 1pm. May not be worth it with Pax needing to be in bed by 8pm. I won't be terribly sad to avoid another day of painting. :)
Plenty to do regardless. I started more packing today and will do so until I run out of boxes. I also need to buy some gardening tools, all this rain has created quite a forest of grass! tThe lawn is huge and I fear that if I wait much longer I may never dig out the gardens. *sigh* So I need a mower...hello craigslist trolling here I come!
This LJ is about to become a home-owner blog of sorts.
I've not been a homeowner a week yet I feel like I'm already learning a ridiculous amount...more than I evr wanted to know. Should I ever buy a home again I think I will demand that the home get professionaly cleaned prior to purchase.
So a bit of back story. The previous owners were smokers, so when you enter the house you are hit with that wall of stale cigarette smoke. Not pleasant. We are trying to tackle this by airing out the place when we are there. Today I will bring lots and lots of baking soda to cover the rugs with overnite as well as vinegar. Supposedly Pax read that vinegar mixed with water will help eliminate some of the odor. Here's to hoping...
Along with smoke odor usuallu comes smoke filth. Growing up in a duel smoker home I was already aware of the horrible things a combination of smoke and grease will create in a kitchen but I guess I didnt recall just how heinous that stuff is to clean! One tip to future homeowners is that TSP substitute is your friend. This is the heavy duty chemical you need to use to wash down walls prior to painting. Oh the things coming off these walls! Truly disusting!
While tackling the walls we also started removing the grates on the air vents to discover that a large amount of them had been painted over and thus NEVER cleaned! I removed years and years of built up lint and dust. Of course I hadnt expected to clean like that so I wasnt wearing a mask. The inside of my nose is black...which makes sneezing into a tissue sorta fun.
Yesterday we also started to tackle the primer. We purchased a 2 gallon bucket of Kils water based primer and cheap rollers. You get what you pay for...and I intend on buying better roller pads today for sure! One thing that would have been good to know is that its better to use oil based primer when trying to cover smoke damage. *sigh* I really hope this won't be a problem for us. How long can smoke smell really last?? Dont answer that.
With the kitchen mostly primed we truly see just how not white our ceiling really is, so today's battle is tackling the ceiling with primer and paint because we can't do the walls until that is finished. Of course this means we need to get some serious tarps and such. I'm going to try to use some old sheets instead of buying lots of drop cloth. Be forewarned, no matter how careful you are you will have splatter.
We are sticking with higher quality paint so its not nearly as bad as if you used cheap stuff. Behr is supposedly like water. We are likely sticking with Benjamin Moore, which is of course expensive, but what isnt? I also read good reviews on Ralph Lauren paint, which is actually about $15 cheaper than BM, but we got samples of BM so I think that is what we are sticking with.
Paint tip we learned to put in use tomorrow. Edge first, and by a edging pad,
So here I am, its almost 4am. I got about 5 hours of sleep when the dog decided to shake in her crate and wake me up. All this stupid home stuff is banging around my head so I can't get back to sleep. I NEED sleep, like a desperate water type need. Hopefully putting some of this down will release that hung up part of my brain and allow me a few more hours of rest, even if they will be here on my too small couch. I figure this LJ will become very home-owner blah going forward as this adventure consumes my life. Of course I never seem to get a chance to jot down all the whitty things while I experience them and trying to remember them at forsaken hours is near impossible. Be forewarned
We Are Homeowners!
Signed the paperwork yesterday. I may never sleep again! Now my mind races at the thoughts of packing, cleaning, getting back security deposits, moving trucks, paint, new fixtures, backsplash, etc etc etc
Seriously, I've not slept fully well in weeks! I seem to be sleeping 5 hours then up for a few and then back down for another 3-4. Its insane!
http://s28.photobucket.com/albums/c203/nickodemus23/VAHome/?albumview=slideshow shows pictures with the old homeowners stuff still in it. I want to go back in the next day or so to take new ones so I can then post and ping ideas of paint color off people.
This is all scary and exciting but ultimately I wish I had my friends nearby to experience this with.
Shameful lack of posting
I blame facebook! Its like the microwave version of posts. We all want our updates in 30 seconds or less, but we get exactly what we seek. Its like EasyMac, good in a pinch but no where near as good as regular mac and cheese.
Ok, that was a weird analogy.
Sitting home this sunday feeling rather restless and so far unable to inspire Ruth to get up and out of the freakin house! Somedays she is slothlike I swear! Pax now works in the actual fire department so his schedule is 3 sets of 24 hours on, 24 hours off, followed by a 4 day break. Its a weird thing to get used to. Its odd to sleep alone every other night and some days I have to get up at 5am to get him off to work so my sleeping is ALL out of wack.
I fell off the exercise bandwagon over the last month or so between the constant house hunting and a weeklong stomach flu/food poisoning that left me fairly out of the loop. So here I go to try again. The goal is to try to run 2x a week and the double the amount of walking I'm doing. Currently I walk about 2 hours a day with the dogs. Some days its fast and other days its a slow walk, so I figure I can easily add a standard 30-45 minutes of fast walking daily without it being too much of a hassle. I'm also going to add in sit ups, many many many sit ups. 100 or so a day, 3x a week. 100 sounds excessive but I know I dont have the best form when doing them so surely Im getting about a third or so correct out of it. :) Push ups are another need, I dont think Ive ever been able to do a real push up. By george this must be accomplished!!
Besides my delusions of exercising grandeur, most of my attention is being focused on our new house. We close at the end of the month and have til Aug 22 to move out of this apartment. That gives us roughly 3 weeks to do the cleaning, packing, and painting the new place needs before we officially move. Because the previous owners were smokers and had some scary paint tastes, most of the interior of the house needs a new paint job. The deck also needs a good quality stain. Most of the yard has been long neglected so I need to work on reestablishing the gardens, removing random brush/debris and pulling out some old dated bushes. I guess thats one good part of being unemployed. I have the time to put into all this repair.
I hope to really look for a job by September. Initially I will do my own searching but I think I will have to look into temp agencies or possibly a head hunter. I just dont think spending my days couped in the house with the ol MIL is a wise idea...
AHA she is up! I must drag her about before she changes her mind.
Poems usually stem from sadness
Dear FireFly flying.
Your lonely blinking saddens.
We polluted you.
I was just looking outside my patio door, waiting for the dog, as a slow and rumbling thunderstorm passes through. I noticed a few fireflies, just a few. I thought back to something Morgan had said while we were camping, how the fireflies were dying out, much like the bees. (I remember reading an article about this from Tufts.) I was suddenly inspired to wrote a haiku, not a usual thing for me. Danielle has been writing them so that inspiration comes from her creativity. I feel blessed for the moment of creativity, but saddened by the truth beneath it. What will our children's children catch in the summer?
Camping
So Pax and I went on our first camping trip together this weekend. We scored a $20 3 person tent at a yardsale last week, candy apple red! and in good condition. Our friends Rick, Morgan and 3 year old Portia joined us, it was Portia's first camping trip too.
We met up Prince William Forest Park, which is a very convenient 35 minutes away from us on 95S http://www.nps.gov/prwi/planyourvisit/directions.htm . It cost $5 per car to enter and $15 for up to 6 ppl per campsite, dogs are welcome. On our way to our campsite we saw a deer, nice start.
The campsites themselves were nice. Basic and clean. The bathrooms were nice and clean too, a big perk, though I heard there was no hot water for the shower. Then again you ARE camping right? Each campsite had a fire pit with flip over grill. Pax wants me to note that there is almost no firewood around so you must bring your own coals (Im not sure what the park policy is on bringing firewood). I'd also like to say that you shouldn't count on your man to bring everything youll need because you will end up missing some vital things. At this point we noticed we didnt have chairs...
It took no time to set up the tents and since it was lunchtime we had the veggie sandich and ramen pasta salad I made for lunch. Yum! After this we decded to take Portia on her very first hike. We saw a skink with a bright blue tail and a few salamanders, but other than birds that was all we encountered. Foolish us misread the trail signs and instead of going on the shorter Farms trail which was under a mile, we ended up on the extended loop trail, which took us over 3 miles of terrain. Portia actually did really well, walking herself over half of the way. The adults were a bit concerned once we realized we went the wrong way, but overall it wast too bad. Next time though we will be smarter and bring water (and TP, I had to pee!)
We got back to the campsite to relax the lack of firewood was discovered so the men went to buy some coals. Once we were fueled we started a fire and roasted some weinies! Portia was more excited about the access to chips. We had a variety of snack sized bags and I think she ate 2 on her own! Apparently 3 yr olds LOOOOVE chips! Next on the noms list was Banana Burritos! Take a flour tortilla, place in half a banana sliced lengthwise, 3 marshmellows, 3 tabs of chocolate (hooray for pretabbed Herseys)and roll up the tortilla in tin foil and throw on the grill for 5-10 minutes. These are so insanely good!
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