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Understanding the unknown... - LiveJournal.com
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Tonight I have a rehearsal dinner for one of my best friends wedding that is tomorrow. I'm one of the groomsmen. And tomorrow is the wedding and the reception and who knows how late that will go. I'm looking forward to it for two reasons. First, well, it's going to be a wonderful weekend. But also I actually get to and need to dress up. Obviously I'm in a tux for the wedding, and tonight I'm wearing a shirt and tie. I now actually like dressing up sometimes cause I'm so much a slob the rest of the time, mainly cause I work in construction and have no life. Well, not so much no life as no need to have to dress up, and no desire to spend money on nice cloths I'll only wear once in a blue moon.
Plus, to be honest, I think I look damn good when I clean myself up.
Nope, I was wrong. Same waters, they just looked a little different in this light. I swear, the next time I get the "good, nice, friend" line, heads are going to roll.
I really am entering uncharted waters for myself. I don't think this is supposed to be the case for someone over 30. I hope it comes off a quaint, and not sad.
I think I may be mistaken. Maybe I won't learn. Let's be honest, if I haven't learned by now, am I ever going to?
I never open my mouth when I should, and never keep it closed when I should. This time it's going to haunt me for a while.
Hence why I can't sleep right now.
I would have to place last night's WTF moment as the biggest WTF moment of my life...at least that I can remember. I'm almost talking alternate reality type WTF. Of course, that was just the moment.
Why did I never say anything? That's me. I'm not mad and I don't dislike anyone. The only person I can blame and be mad at is myself.
Some day I will learn.
As an addendum to the last post, I just read an email I got from an old friend. And the thought I had before I even knew I had the email was echoed in the email.
I never say the things I want to say most.
Which, in my view, has a very simple explanation. It is the result of a lack of self confidence, and a head full of too many pointless questions..
I often describe myself as astute, and I do believe that is a fairly accurate view. The difference however, is that I do not always act on it. It's kind of strange. Often times, I wonder if it is my mind playing tricks on me, putting pieces together and coming to conclusions that frankly I don't want to believe. The reason for that is either I don't want the conclusion to be true, or I tell myself the only reason I came to the conclusion is because I want it to be true.
But that's besides the point. The fact is, whether I want to believe it or not, my mind came to a conclusion for a reason. I'm always saying that my greatest trait is my mind, maybe I should start listening to it more often. Yeah, that sounds weird, but in my world, my mind and my self are two different entities.
But it still sucks to be right when you don't want to be. :/
I needed a test to tell me this?
You are The Hermit
Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.
The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.
The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.
The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
You know, there are just some things I can't let go. My car is still working. In fact, my car is working better now than it was before it died, since well before it died. All the little problems my car was having, I assumed it was just old age. The prime example is the traction control. Now, I don't quite know when it started. I want to say shortly after I had the last work done on the car (big surprise) but I never did make it a connection to the work. However, since the problem I found was a bad ground, a problem that slowly over time got worse (as was evident by the car finally dying), it is a strong possibility. Anyway, my traction control stopped working. The ABS brakes worked fine though, so I didn't place it as a big problem. Now that I have fixed the ground, my traction control works fine.
How the hell does a mechanic not put bolts back in? This is why I am so cynical.
I contemplating whether or not to tell my former mechanic they suck. See, a while back my A/C died right after I got it back from them replacing things like the water pump. Turns out there was a LARGE leak in the A/C lines. Which, according to how I understand my car, is near where they were working. They af course said they never went near A/C lines. I just left it at that. While searching for my ground problem, I discovered a few bolts missing, bolts that should not be missing. I never took these things off, but they needed to be taken off when they did that work.
Is it possible that the A/C broke by chance, and these bolts were missing beforehand? Yes, it is. But not probable. It's things like this make me so cynical.
After 2 months of sitting dead in my driveway, and almost two weeks of prodding and probing, my car is finally working again. Take that complicated computerized cars! In the end, besides my time, I spent only about...$50 to get it working again, and that was an investment in tools that I will have use for later. I may still have to pay a mechanic to permanently fix the problem, depending on which of the only 2 possible causes are left.
See, late last fall, twice my car didn't start the first time. I 'd turn the ignition off, wait a few moments, and then it started. Then, around thanksgiving, it just never started. At first glance, someone might say it was the fuel pump/level sensor. The fuel pump would not turn on, and the fuel gauge would not register any fuel (there is more than half a tank). So last weekend I was going to suck it up and try replacing that. But, I decided to bounce the idea off a couple mechanics I knew. They said it might be an electrical problem, and provided me with some golden resources to understand the wiring. I've spent my time since them pulling out panels, computer modules, wires, all in an attempt to figure out WHY this that and the other thing didn't do what they were supposed to do. I checked and found a few bad grounds, fixed those, still no dice.
Last night, I found out that despite the engine ground being good, there was a slight resistance between the engine control module case (ECM) and the engine. Which is odd, since it is bolted onto the engine block. So I took the ECM off last night and kept it inside. This morning, I tried to find where the resistance was coming from, but it would mean taking apart things like the intake manifold to get to it. So instead, I just ran a wire from the ECM bolt to the ground. And boo-yah, it started up.
So, the two possible explanations are either a bad ground (a little resistance will kill you when dealing with computer stuff) or there is something in the ECM that stops functioning when it is too cold. If it is the ground, I can wait till the weather gets warmer and I need to do some other work on my car to fix it. If it is the ECM, then the car has to go to a shop because it needs to be replaced and reprogrammed. But, since I know what the problem is, all I have to do is tell them to replace that, no hours and hours of trial and error to find the problem.
As I always believe, if I know how something is supposed to work, I can figure out why it isn't. A nice and oft underappriciated gift.
I have to say, you can't script this stuff. There always seems to be something unexpected. This has become the month of the unexpected. I wonder what is next.
I guess my friends and I, my social circles if you will, are starting to get to that age where the s&!t flies. I always wonder what I am doing wrong, but in the end, I think it is that I always try to do what is right.
This is what I generally know/believe of myself.
I am a good, kind, nice, polite person. I'm honest, loyal, and always willing to help. I think of others before I think of myself. I'm rational, logical, and always willing to listen to reason. I have a wide variety of opinions that I've come to on my own, and am wiling to admit they may be wrong. I'm understanding and amiable and always think that a solution can be reached through communication.
I am, however, a poor communicator. :) And I do have my bad moments like everyone else, but I understand them for what they are, moments.
Kids, divorces, cheating, beating, threatening, stealing, lying, provoking, I hear about it all and realize my problems pale in comparison.
But then again, I'm also not an a*****e. Maybe without realizing it I learned a very important lesson when my father left us, a lesson that most people don't learn till now. There are more important things in life than just yourself.
Let me go back in there and face the peril
I often times get crazy ideas. Well, I wouldn't completely call them crazy. Sometimes they are probably good ideas, even though the seem a little out there. Thing is, I rarely follow through with them. But I've had this one idea itching at the back of my head for a while. To the point now where I keep going back to it no matter how I try to not think about it.
What makes this idea have staying power is that it requires little risk for great reward. That, and I have a friend that may be able to accomplish the most difficult part with ease. And this idea also gives me motivation to accomplish other things that I need to do anyway.
There are of course unknowns that may derail the entire thing. But in following my "decide based on what you know, not what may be" I'll tackle them if/when they show up.
Not a holiday for me.
Well, I guess today is even a day off for the plow that clears my street. Up until this point, I was very happy with the job the guy has done. Haven't had a problem yet. But, this morning I wake up and find out he hasn't been by once since yesterday, and we got another 4 or 5 inches of snow last night. Put that light fresh snow on top of the packed and not totally cleared street underneath, and that means I can't go anywhere.
And if I had today off, I wouldn't really care. But I don't. And it doesn't matter which way I try to leave, I have to go up a hill before I can go down the hill to get to the main streets. Oh, and of course state and local government offices are closed today, so there isn't even anyone I can call to b***h to. And the DPW number just goes to a generic voicemail. Like they can't be bothered to put up a message that actually lets you know you reached them. Kind of the way people leave generic voicemail greetings.
This is why I say government is the problem, not the solution. They don't care about "service to the people". They're never professional. They always seem put upon when you expect them to do the job that frankly, I pay them to do.
Well, nothing left to do but hurry up and wait.
Along similar lines of needing a new job, I also need to move to a place of my own. Well, I need to not be living with my mother. Simply put, she is an enabler. I admit I have no real self motivation, so my situations have to motivate me. And so long as I live at home, I have nothing to really worry about, and thus, no forced motivation.
And it has been starting to grate on me as well. Asking me in the morning when I leave to work if I'm going to be warm enough. Always wondering if I want something to eat. Every time I walk downstairs she subconsciously makes a noise, in a "hey, I'm here" way. I cut the apron strings long ago, and somehow, they got reattached.
It just seems like the simple things that most people have no problem with is what is most difficult for me. I missed something along the way.
Bah, can't sleep. Don't know why either. When I came home Friday after work, I had started with the evil tickle at the back of your throat cough. I just went to bed and slept till 11 or so this morning, well, saturday morning...about 18 hours. That might be why.
My computer's running better again. I have the reinstall procedure down cold at this point. And thankfully all my saved games still work.
Maybe it has something to do with me thinking about quitting smoking again. Sure I can quit, done it a bunch of times already :)
Set goals
In an effort to get over my problems of always thinking too far ahead, I need to start viewing situations as they are, and figure out what my immediate goal is. If I look at it that way, my current action is based only on the information at hand. I'm not trying to figure out all possible outcomes and using that to influence my actions.
This is somewhat difficult for me, because the way I operate by default involves trying to figure out where something fits into a system. This works great for static systems where each action has a common and predictable result. But when you start dealing with a dynamic system where you aren't even aware of all the variables, prediction just becomes frustrating and somewhat of a hindrance.
Basically, when I find myself asking ... myself ... what to do, that's the point where I need to start simplifying things.
Just to tack on to the last post, my phone, while it still works, which is a good thing, now has a crack in the external display and both of my chargers no longer work. If you look for patters, you'll find them. But in the same token, you'll miss everything that doesn't fit into what you are looking for.
I need clarity. I need things that I can not get just by myself. I need things that can't be asked for. I know the difference between want and need. In order to get what I want, there are things I need.
On a different subject, I think I have reached the next stage of my desire for a new job. I'm no longer saying "I'd like another job", I'm now saying "I need another job". Still don't see that happening any time soon, but now I might actually starting doing some things towards that end, like think about what kind of job I'd like. I should change that to "what kind of career I'd like". Although, the benefit of of my current job is "what economic downturn?" But on the flipside, more ice damns.
One thing that I am very sure of though is my driving abilities. And with that, I have no problem scaring people when they do something stupid. One guy recently tried to cut in front of me cause he didn't want to wait to make a left turn. I of course gave him a dirty look and continued driving towards him. He thought he would be a smart ass and just stop right in front of me, forcing me to hit him. That of course didn't happen, I stopped my truck just inches from the side of his car. He starts flipping me off, and I just wave him on. I know my right of way, and I use it, and respect others as well, especially at rotaries. I hate traffic, and one of the main causes of traffic that I see on city streets is people not respecting others right of way. That, and no one knows how to merge either. They need to teach "The Zipper" in driver's ed I think. But hey, this is Mass, what do I expect.
But you know what, at the end of the day...
I Kin' Do it
...I love Dunkin' Donuts and their ads.
It's Back!
The piece de resistance of 2008 was clearly the remodel of the kitchen and bath. On the opposite end, well, it all boils down to I'm basically where I was when the year started. I'm trying to tell myself I have had worse years, but I really can't say that for sure. It doesn't feel like it was the worse year, probably neutral.
2009 on the other hand, I hope is going with the "get it all out of the way now" philosophy. I was sick last week, the year started with me breaking ice damns at work, I bruised++ my forearm and it is still a bit tender, banged my knee which was then stiff all weekend, and joy of joys, my computer has a nasty virus.
As such, I'm just going to put this out for all you peeps out there, DO NOT USE GOOGLE CHROME!!! For years, and I mean years, I browsed and surfed the web with nigh an issue. Torrent sites, warez sites, pr0n sites, the dirty internet if you will, and never did I get viruses, cause I never trusted anything I found there. I have not changed my habits, but Chrome seems to have holes in it big enough to fit a star destroyer. Of course, it tells you that something on the page may be harmful, but by that point it is too late. So, after I finished reinstalling everything since I last reformatted my computer cause of a virus from Chrome, I must now do it again. Google FAIL!
But, lest you think this is all more fo the same, there have been a few bright spots this year. The company holiday party last Friday was a blast. I got to the nice happy drunk, bought rounds with my football pool winnings, did a few rounds of shots with the boss, and somehow managed to outlast all the youngsters.
And finally, while I was at Dunks a short while ago, treating myself to a Coffee Collatta, I noticed that the Dunkaccino is back! Boo Yah!. That is the one item that I always said they should bring back, and they have. I think I know what I am getting tomorrow morning. :)
And now, time to find that Windows install disk, and while Firefox may be bloated...it isn't Chrome.
Whoever it is that scripts my life has quite the sense of humor, at least I'm sure that's how he sees it. Although, I guess it is kind of fitting to end the year like this, kinda of a statement as to what this year has been about for me. And no, I won't be sad to see 2008 go. If you know what it is like to feel that every choice you make seems to be the wrong choice, well, that's how I'm going to remember 2008.
I do find that I am bored a lot. It's times like this where I try to clean my room...never works though. I also have the urge to rearrange my room. I just realized that I have never changed my room since I moved back home. It MIGHT have been different when I first moved in, but if it was, I changed it real quick. When I lived out in Albany, even though I move about once a year, I rearranged my room at least once at each place, sometimes more. However the room needs to be cleaned, at least a little, before I can do that. It usually involves picking up all the empty diet coke cans, empty bags, papers, packaging. Then all the cloths, and then I can see what's on the floor :) Which involves a couple bucks in change, cds, books, more papers. Then I have to find a place for all the stuff, never been good at organizing. The few shelves I have have things on them that I never use. The drawers have things in them I never use. What I need to do is box THAT stuff up, and then I have place for all the new crap that I will never use :/. Then maybe I can also unbox my DVDs and actually...watch them :) I'd also like to rip down the fugly white wallpaper with little pink and blue flower, and paint the room some nice shades of deep blues, greens, and purples. And while I am at it, make the closet a closet and not just a bit of attic like it is now. I have some cedar paneling I can put in there too.
But I need to clean the damn room first.
...how can "fugly" not be in the spellcheck. As for the dictionary, it has it, listed as "Vulgar Slang. Very ugly." ... vulgar slang...hehehe :)
Well, 2 for 2 in the office football pool. The first time I won it was a blowout, this year, it was only 6 points, out of about 1500 total. Now, also imagine if I didn't put points into New Orleans each week cause I can't pick against them. Now, if I play again next year, and go three for three...well, at least there is something I'm good at :)
I haven't yet reached the "I don't give a damn" point, I kind of want to though. Oh, and I also spied a couple of white hairs on my head the other day, joy. Oh, and I also used to have a job where I'd be one of the people off this week.
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