Brian Croft: Ten Practical Ways to Love and Serve Your Wife

1. My mom feels like she's "not good enough." That we're unhappy with her in some way. That she doesn't measure up.

2. She says something self-deprecating that implies I'm being critical of her. (Which, by the way, in my teens and twenties would have been true---I was a total Proud Jerk Christian who did judge her and did criticize her.)

3. I get defensive and impatient because OF COURSE I want to be all gospel-focused and gospel-infused and only ever communicate love and grace and acceptance; and I want her to KNOW that I'm all accepting and loving and grace-filled.

4. I feel like I'm "not good enough." That my mom is unhappy with me in some way. That I don't measure up.

5. Spin. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

"Oh, thank You, Lord, for a good friend who knows my daughter well enough to notice this and also to let me know. Thank You, God, for access to medical care and for enough income this month to pay for an exam and glasses. Thank You, Lord, that my daughter has eyes to see. Even if, apparently, they can't see very far."

"Tara? When do you look at distance things with Sophia? Your house is VERY SMALL. There are no chalkboards (or walls) very far away from her. She can see books and music just fine. 99.9% of what you do with her doesn't require long-vision. Give yourself a pass on this one, OK?"

" ... Here is something that I have heard a number of times on the “Not Helpful” list. I have heard it often enough that it deserves to become part of our body of pastoral wisdom.

“If you need anything, please call me—anytime.”

Those who mentioned it didn’t say that the comment was meaningless to them, though it was. They said that it was actually unhelpful. Why? ...

- If “comforters” knew anything about real hardship, they would know that sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need.

- If comforters knew anything about the sufferer, they would know what the sufferer wants or needs.

- If comforters really knew the sufferer, they would know that he or she would never make the call. Never.

The comment is the equivalent of “ta ta, see you later,” “luv ya, call me sometime,” or some other mindless goodbye. The speaker is not giving any real thought to the comforter’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it ..."

"First, they listen and understand the suffering person. They pick up on to-do lists that are growing and impossible. They identify tasks that are especially important. They don’t barge in and do trivial work or serve in ways that leave more disarray. For example, I could imagine that someone would look at my chaotic arrangement of books and attempt to serve me by organizing them in a way that would make a librarian proud---and I wouldn’t be able to find a book for the next year (which actually happened, but it wasn’t because I was suffering. My wife could tell you the story. A small home office renovation project that was supposed to be a surprise, and it was, but . . .).

A good friend can identify what would be truly helpful.

Next, they do it. They get the dog groomed, do the dishes, drop off a meal, cut the grass, baby sit the kids, bring a meal over and eat it together, clean the house, give a ride to small group, drop off a note of encouragement and then another and another, arrange for a hair cut, and so on.

Any of these acts of love and service make life easier for the suffering person. That certainly helps. But a meal is never just a meal; maid-service is never merely maid-service. These say to the suffering person, “I remember you,” “I think about you often,” “you are not forgotten, you are on my heart,” “I love you.” That, as they say, is priceless."