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What a woman wants
 A friend called me the other day and confided in me that she is exasperated and is ather wits ends and does not know what to do. She seemed quite depressed as well. So,I asked her to come over for a chat. She grabbed the proposal and was at my door in anhours time. When we sat down to speak, all she managed was to cry and much later shetold me, my husband, he just does not care to listen to me! The poor woman, I realized,had such pent up emotions locked up within herself, which had never found a vent.
A woman needs emotional support from her husband as much as he needs physicalintimacy from his wife. A couple needs to strike a balance by meeting each of their needs.A woman can read cues from her husbands actions and behavior and know his needsexactly but where she goes wrong is in expecting the husband to read her actions andbehavior to know her needs and fulfill it. Irrespective of the number of years in marriage,the husband is unable to know what the woman really wants? Its a big mystery for him
because it is not his area of expertise, so to say, to read the mind of his wife and so hedraws a blank, everytime he attempts to fulfill his wifes need.
To make matters worse, a woman is not enabled to be articulate about her needs, so,she expects her husband to know it somehow and when the need is not fulfilled, onecan expect an emotional outburst which is generally termed as anger. Remember, shehas been created an emotional being and therefore, she looks for emotional fulfillmentbut when she does not find it, the emotions are bottled up and when it reaches the brim, ithas to burst out. has to vent out her bottled up emotions unless ofcourse she has a veryfulfilling and satisfactory relationship with her husband.
I have a question for all the husbands here. What do you do when your wife bursts outcrying during a discussion/ argument?
Well, most likely the wife expects some emotional support from her husband and the pleacomes in form of tears but what happens is that generally the man does not know how todeal with emotions. Whenever he is put in an emotionally charged situation, he would liketo be left alone. So thinking, he walks away, imagining it to be the best solution. He hardlyknows that her tears are in the first place because of feeling alone, and if he walks awayfrom her now, she will feel more alone and depressed.
Digging a little deeper, we find that, as little boys they are constantly fed the idea thatcrying is silly behavior. So, men grow up with this wrong notion and by the time theyenter wedlock, their emotional side has mostly eased out of them. They also do not havemuch training in how they can deal with others emotions. Men may think that they cando without this skill but trust me this skill will help you keep your marriage going! This istrue because, when a woman finds an emotionally supportive husband, she does wondersto her marriage. You not only gain her confidence and loyalty automatically but you willthat she will walk that extra mile to please you, keep the house neat and tidy, bring upthe kids in a loving atmosphere, cook nice meals for the family, respect your parents andsupport you in all your endeavors. Who does not want such a wife? But it will all be yourswith a little investment into finding out what pleases your wife the most by addressing heremotional needs.
Do you remember a time when you sat beside your wife, wiped her tears dry and consoledher with sweet words of reassurance that she will always find you besides her whenevershe needs you the most. When was the last time you did it? Let me guess, probably whenyou met her first! And why did you do that? Because it pleased her the most when yousaid it. Isnt it? So, what stops you from doing it now? Think deeply about it & you couldsolve a major jigsaw puzzle in your life!
Every womans emotional need is different. To make matters simple for you, I have listeddown 3 broad categories of what a woman wants the most from her husband (not in anyparticular order of priority). This has been culled out of Willard F. Harley, Jr.s internationalbest selling book His Needs Her Needs wherein he lists out his widely researchedemotional needs of spouses and provides a questionnaire to find out your most importantemotional need and how effective your spouse is in dealing with this need.
1. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for thefuture; showing interest in her favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation;using it to inform, investigate, and understand her)Conversation has three most vital aspects to it-
a. Listening: Just listen to her! Listen and not wait for your turn to talk. Most women justwant to be heard, not advised. And most men want to fix, rather than do nothing. So theidea of providing "support" by plain listening, as women want can be difficult to grasp.When she is sharing her day today happenings etc, she doesn't want you to solve herproblems or tell her how to handle it, she just needs you to listen and be sympathetic.
b. Undivided attention (Stop talking to your spouse or answering her questions whileanswering to an email or while reading the newspaper or while answering anotherphone call. Donot multi-task! Sit down and look her in the face and actively listen.)
c. Being non-judgmental She needs to know you will not feel or think differently about herfor expressing herself. Provide her that forum.
2. Affection & intimacy (the expression of love in words and action, creating anenvironment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love free from the distinctively sensualelement. Creating an intimate space to brings about a sense of fulfillment and feeling oftogetherness-need not be sensual).
3. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from thestresses of life; management of the home and care of the children including but notlimited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaningetc).
Other needs listed in his book include Admiration, Family Commitment, Financial Support,Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Honesty & openness, An AttractiveSpouse. You can find the questionnaire at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf
You can research along with your spouse on her most important emotional needs andwork out a commitment plan either stated or unstated and work towards a more healthiermarried life! Trust me, the very fact that you are genuinely interested in knowing heremotional needs will get her immediately on your side.
Radhanath Swami often gets the newly married couple promise each other that the wifewill always be on the side of her husband and the husband will never see a tear in hiswifes eye. He adds that love means to serve and to serve means to please. So, when weserve each other by pleasing each other in our marriage, our home becomes Vaikuntha.
On a secondary note, men are entitled to their emotionsto feel and to express them aswell. It does not make you less manly if you do, rather it goes a long way in creating amore beautiful relationship in your marriage.
- Mrs. Preethi Dhiman
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Communicate Perfection
 Sometimes in marriage we communicate with everyone except the personwe are living with. Radhanath Swami.
Radhanath Swami recounts one of his childhood impressions. Everydayhis mother cooked a loving meal for his father but she thought thather husband didnt ever like it. So little Radhanath Swami (thenRichard) asked his father whether he liked his dinner. His fatherreplied he loved it. Richard asked whether his father has ever toldhis wife how he liked the dinner? Well, I think I did Maybe Ididnt but she should know Doesnt she know?
Generally, spouses take care of fulfilling each others physicalneeds like good housing, clothing, and health. But its the lack ofemotional care that tends to push marriages off-track. Everyone needsappreciation and encouragement. Each spouse has a responsibility ofmaking the other partner happy by providing him or her a fulfillinglife. Mutual respect and care forms the essential framework thatsupports any successful marriage; mutual affection may come and go. Byalways clinging on to this framework, the mutual affection can growinto actual deep love connected to the soul.
For example, many ladies think that their husband just doesnt carefor them, that he just doesnt like anything they do for the husband.But when asked, the husbands say that they really do appreciatetheir wife a lot, but why should they tell that to her explicitly?Shouldnt she already know? Radhanth Swami quips that unless thespouse is a mystic, he or she is not going to know how the otherspouse feels. Communication is important. Sometimes in marriage thespouses communicate with everyone except the person they live with.Communication amongst spouses is to really express ones appreciationand affection for each other in encouraging words. Such honestcommunication is critical for a healthy relationship; the journey ofmarried life can become dreary and unfulfilling otherwise.
Marriage shouldnt degenerate to a life sentence of tolerance justto respect the vows taken at the time of marriage. A true marriageis dynamic, flowing, and very connected to the divine. Strugglesin married life are not depressants, but invigorating spiritualchallenges. By encouraging each other the spouses can face thesechallenges confidently. Every challenge overcome together takes thespouses to a higher spiritual platform. Indeed, notes Radhanath Swami,such a married life is a path of perfection.
- Radhanath Swami
The Yoga of Marriage
 If one cares for the whole picture, the little details can be adjusted to blend with the whole, but if one losessight of the whole picture, little things assume all-importance and cause strife. Radhanath Swami
Yoga means to bring together, to harmonize, to unite. Its highest expression is the union of the individualsoul with the Supreme Soul God. Union is to become one in love. Unconditional and unmotivated love forGod brings about true Yoga.
From a spiritual standpoint, marriage is something more than man and woman living together; it bringstogether two souls on a much higher level. The husband sees the wife as Gods beloved daughterentrusted by Him to his care. God will appreciate the husband based on how responsibly and protectivelyhe treats the wife, how he respects and honors her as Gods gift. The wife looks upon the husband asGods child entrusted to her care. God will appreciate her based on how faithful, loving, and caring she is.When this is the relationships mood, rapid spiritual progress follows.
As partners in life, the sacred principle is to help each other to become pure. The higher principle is tohelp each other love God, to help each other become instruments of Gods love for the world. If marriageis to love and protect each other for this divine purpose, then such coming together in marriage is reallyYoga. No wonder, Radhanath Swami notes, all different societies traditionally conducted their marriageceremonies in spiritual places to consecrate the partnership in the service of God.
Anything great is difficult, cheap things come easy. Cheap relationships are easy, but they break indifficult times. Strong, deep, and growing relationships are found on and supported by higher principles.The mind and senses are flickering. Relationships based on their ever changing demands are superficialand short of substance. But by focusing on the divine principles that have brought them together, thespouses can maturely deal with the unavoidable disagreements that arise in any close relationship byharmonizing everything with the higher principles.
Most marital problems germinate from something insignificant and unimportant. If one doesnt focus onhigher principles, unimportant things get importance. If one cares for the whole picture, the little detailscan be adjusted to blend with the whole, but if one loses sight of the whole picture, little things assumeall-importance and cause strife.
The diamond is but a piece of coal that has transformed from crude blackness to multifaceted brillianceunder millions of years of high pressure, remarks Radhanath Swami. Similarly, (i) the good and bad timesspent together remaining faithful to each other and (ii) negotiating the pressures of married life for thesake of higher principles, are meant to transform the spouses into brilliant gems radiating love of God.This essential principle defines the Yoga of Marriage.
The Big Fight
 Early this week, I had a fight with my husband and the rest of the day I spent thinking (read brooding) how he does not hear me out or understand my point of view. Then, the funny thing happened. Thanks to sacredbonding, in a small way, I sometimes experiment with ideal behavior of a spouse and for a moment, I contemplated on what he must be going through. He must be thinking the same exact thing about me! Because, when emotions escalated to shouting and shouting blinded my intelligence, I was focused & determined to get him to hear my point and had shut myself from listening to his point of view, however valid it could have been. Then I contemplated on how I must have said things about him that I did not really mean and how it would have affected him. I recounted all that I had said and instantly I felt ashamed. I looked at my husband, he was silently working but had a definitely distressed countenance. Feelings of compassion overcame me and I went upto him and genuinely apologized to have not heard his point of view and to have let my emotions go awry. Almost instantly, he apologized too for his hurtful words and then what emerged was real communicationeach one was trying to understand the others point of view and trying to sort things out for the other.
There is a popular myth that fighting clears the air and brings out the truth. But, during a fight, one is so consumed with wanting to show the other that their point of view is rightfully justified and that the other person is wrong and in doing so one drifts away from the truth and as both the parties battle it out, facing impending defeat (of not being able to successfully prove that their point was justified), they shift to the mode of inflicting pain and hurting the other person in the best possible manner i,e by hurling sharp words at the other. In this heated moment, how can anything meaningful such as clearing the air happen? Fighting, if at all, creates walls or widens the divide between the couple and as fights linger on for longer and longer times, it gets more and more nastier only.
In every argument, there are two sides of the story. Both are partially wrong and partially right. If both of them continue with the argument, then they can go on till the cows come home but there will be no solution or peace at home. But, if one person puts ones need to be right on hold for sometime, using intelligence tries to see the pain of his significant other & to what situation he is driving the other and genuinely feel sorry for it and apologize for the hurt caused, then a miraculous shift takes place between them. Energies between them shift from that of resentment and hurt to that of love and forgiveness. When this shift happens, you will see that the other person will not only voluntarily listen to the others point of view but also extend himself or herself to the cause of the other. When that happens, love in our hearts expands to a realm beyond us, leaving us feeling blissful and peaceful.
But, to achieve this is not an easy task for many of us. However, we can definitely borrow the principles and put it into practice in our lives until it becomes a natural quality in us. We can practice it in three stages-
- by recognizing our true self- that were not the doer but just an observer
- by being present in the present
- by learning to forgive
When we recognize our true self, we shift our consciousness from that of being the sufferer or one who has to emerge victorious in the argument and thereby be the enjoyer, to that of the observer. This shift of consciousness enables us to see the other persons point of view and it gives us the intelligence that it really doesnt matter if they see our side. Our job is to bring love in to their/our life situations and to empower ourselves, and those around us.
When we learn to be present in the present, we can easily let go of the argument as it is something from the past and that by holding onto the argument, were only bringing that unhappy state from the past into our present and probably into the future too.
When we truly forgive the other person who has caused some hurt to us, we release all the negative emotions that were holding onto so tightly over the past year (probably years!) By letting go of this false belief eg: he doesnt care to understand my feelings etc (our side of the story), we release the source of pain that weve created for ourselves.
Remember, to create a happy situation in our lives is really in our own hands. We just have to be conscious of it and start living a conscious life, moment to moment. We can achieve any kind of perfection if we consciously practice it. Take baby steps and practice a no fight day, and progress to a no fight week, extend it to a month, three months and eventually a year. Remember, the real battles that weve to conquer and emerge victorious are battles within us. Never give up on the battle within, especially in your weakest moment!
Radhanath Swami in his recent discourse sums it all upThe nature of this world is that there are innumerable reasons to fight, to disagree, to disunite. There is no shortage of reasons. It doesnt take anybody with great intelligence or realization to do that. But what is a sign of greatness is when we prioritize higher principle and adjust all the lower principles accordingly. Cooperation is the way we show our love for Godthat is the higher principle. We may be right, we may be victorious in an argument or debate but thats a very lower level. We won, but if we displease God, then weve lost at a higher level! Its better to lose and win than to win and lose!
Our greatest enemy
 In the heart that harbors the weed of selfish greed, the flower of love cannot survive.However, to conquer ones envy, lust and greed, now that is truly monumental -Radhanath Swami
In a certain place, the fishermen were catching fish. A kite swooped down and snatcheda fish. At the sight of the fish, about twenty crows chased the kite and made a great noisewith their cawing.Whichever way the kite flew with the fish, the crows followed it. The kite flew to the southand the crows followed it there. The kite flew to the north and still the crows followed after
it. The kite went east and west, but the crows chased it nevertheless. As the kite began tofly about in confusion, it got tired and let go of the fish from its mouth. The crows at oncelet the kite alone and flew after the fish. Thus relieved of its worries, the kite sat on thebranch of a tree and thought, That wretched fish was the root of all my troubles. I havenow gotten rid of it and therefore I am at peace.As long as a man has the fish, that is, lusty desires, he must perform actions andconsequently suffer from worry, anxiety and restlessness. No sooner does he renouncethese lusty desires than his troubles fade away and he enjoys peace of the soul.The kite cannot live without the fish, for it needs the fish to survive. But luckily for us,there is no such compulsion, as we can survive without lust. However, when we learn thatlusty desires and suffering come bundled together in a take-it-or-leave-it package, we areexposed to a choice. What we choose thereafter leads us to the path of suffering or ontothe path of liberation and eternal bliss. The choice is ours!
Lord Krishna tells us in the Bhagavad-gita that, It is lust only, Arjuna, which is born ofcontact with the material mode of passion and later transformed into wrath, and which isthe all-devouring sinful enemy of this world.
An enemy to whom you show kindness becomes your friend,excepting lust, theindulgence of which increases its enmity - Saadi
God Loves You
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