My pain may sound small. With that said, I recently joined the group and feel I should let you intrude on my "life". I grew up a New York City boy in the deep south. No I never lived in NYC; some may say metro sexual. Anyways, from the time I can remember I got myself ready for school (if I went), no breakfast. To the bus I went all alone to school where I was called fag from the begin to the end; among all the others. My brother and his friends were the ring leaders, when I stood up for myself I would get the beat down; I learned to keep a knife on me at all time. After school I would arrive to an empty house and as I grew older turned to all the "fun and feel good things" in "life". My best friend was being molested by his uncle and what he learned was shared with me.....Growing up I have heard every lie to get me into bed and have what i concer the worst empty, hatefull souls around!EVERYONE NEEDS A GREAT BIG PILL COCKTAIL HUG; Aka my doctors have me loaded on pills and hugs!

mybodytaken

I'm writing this now because I can't get him out of my head. There's a guy I've talked to for around 7 years...I don't know how normal it is for internet pen-pal type relationships to end up really deep confidants, but I've listened to my friend for years now and I really love him. We're both gay, both around 20, and he confided in me a few years ago (when he was scared he had AIDS, he didn't) that he was raped as a child. I'm going to tell you something, and I don't want you to ever mention it again. I haven't...that may have been the only time he ever told anyone about it.

He's moved away (we used to live nearby, only saw each other a few times, he told me its a bit scary to be around me in person because I know so much about him and he's not used to honesty with friends face-to-face), and last night we were talking. He's an addict, alcohol, marijuana, he told me he took adderall to get sober last night...I guess it had a weird effect on him. Rather than just the usual existential angst, relationship issues, the fact he's still in the closet and what lying to family and friends does to him, he started to talk about sex. He's been having sex with his self-centered room mate. The room mate was assigned him by his school, there was no prior relationship. he's a heavy drinker, not very bright, arrogant, mean, and cliquish. Despite all this my friend has developed feelings for him over the course of their physical relationship, and he was going on last night about how little self-respect he feels he must have to have feelings for a guy he doesn't even like. Then he got to talking about the kinds of men he's gone for...most of them 33+

He said he's been with 9 guys, and only ever climaxed once. He said he likes it rough as in, tied to an older married man's bed being hit in the face and physically hurt. He told me about how a man choked him during sex...god, it's too obscene for words. I don't think I've ever been so angry as when he told me what that bastard did to him.  that's not even the rape, that's the situation he seeks out to try and cope with it. He talked about how even though he doesn't like the sex, he likes the feeling of satisfying the other guy...of submitting and being desired and not having any responsibility for it at all. I don't think he ever used the word "like" - I don't know what to call it.  I know a little of how that feels...but that came during the darkest part of my life and reminded me of things I didn't enjoy, and only did because I was lonely, depressed...stuff I compulsively showered after. consensual only in the sense I was too shy and too depressed to say no or ask to be taken home. I'm glad for it, though, if it helps me see a little of where he has been, and is.

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he needs help to overcome the emotional scars he has. He won't see a therapist...he's implied I'm more useful than one since there's no money involved and my attachment as a friend is more genuine than a professional relationship. (I've been through therapy and my classes in college right now are aimed at becoming a social worker/therapist, in part because of my own experience with mental illness and also because this isn't the only friend who talks to me about these kinds of issues) I feel like I'm the best shot at help he has right now...and I'm no kind of qualified.

I guess I'll ask you guys...is there a normal process for recovery from sexual abuse? Like the stages of grieving or something? What can I as a friend (maybe a romantic interest? I have no idea, and I absolutely do not want to put my desire for that kind of intimacy with him in front of what's best for him emotionally and spiritually) do to help him? What would a real counselor do with him?

The most difficult part in finding help for dealing with this is that he's a guy. Most of the resources out there are for women, and even more than that, he's up to his eyes in machismo and intellectualism...so the suggestions I've found about prayer and laying in the park looking at clouds aren't the kind of thing I think he'd take seriously. I'm deeply religious, often very open emotionally, and he finds that part of me more a curiosity than anything. He's not emotionally dense by any means, but he definitely doesn't want to be seen as superficial, effeminate, or soft.

Does anyone know what to do? Any advice, similar experiences...anything at all is appreciated.