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Miscellaneous Joke.. I'm your son's teacher... Miscellaneous Jokes.. Little Johnny Jokes..
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Miscellaneous Joke
The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, Son youve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.
I'm your son's teacher.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Miscellaneous Jokes
There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say f**k him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, " I forgot my lighter!"
Little Johnny Jokes
One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I'll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where's the P, and Johnny responded it's running down my leg.
Kids Joke
Willy runs in and tells his mother youd better come out. I've just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I'm busy.
Willy says, Mom he already knows, he's hanging from the roof.
Miscellaneous Jokes
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by. "What are you doing?" he asked. "We need to know the height of the flagpole," said one, "and we're discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it." "Watch!" said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, "Exactly 24 feet." Then he replaced the pole and walked away. "English professor!" sneer the mathematician, "We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length."
Getting married
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says
Idiots Jokes
Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. "You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting."
"Waiting for what?" asked Larry
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller."
Animal Jokes
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
I didn't realize you had a prescription.
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Dating Tips
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Judges Jokes
The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days. But, my good man, you are wealthy, said the judge, amazement ringing his face. Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me. Its like this, Judge, the man explained. Our chef left and my wife figures itll take that long to find a new one.
Marriage Jokes
At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; "Oh we"ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship." "My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening."
Farmer Jokes
The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. Uncle, Im mighty glad to see you, he greeted. That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take em out and they ran all over the place. I chase em through my neighbors yard and only got back eleven. You did okay, said uncle. I only sent you six.
Shut the f**k up
A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights! So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit." So the man said, "Shut the f**k up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"
Olympic condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
Doctors Jokes
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some a*****e's got my pen."
Kids Joke
His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Teachers Jokes
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"
Marriage Jokes
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made 200.50".
He asks, "What a*****e gave you 50p?" and she replies "all of them".
Husband-Wife Jokes
A couple named their 3 kids - NC, MC and ABC......
1st Natural Curousity
2nd Mutual Consent and
3rd Absolute bloody carelessness....
Doctors Joke
Man on phone to his doctor:
"Doctor, I think my son has VD, and the only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid. Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."
"Oh crap!" the doctor roared. "That means we've all got it!"
Marriage Jokes
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kid"
An American general
An American general was speaking, via an interpreter, to a battalion of Vietnamese troops. At one point, he told a rather long and somewhat convoluted joke. When it was the interpreter's turn to interpret, he spoke for about 4 seconds, and the audience burst into laughter, pleasing the general. A captain, along on the trip, turned to a Vietnamese officer and asked how the interpreter managed to convey the general's joke so quickly.
The Vietnamese officer replied, "The interpreter said 'The American general has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'"
Beat up
Woman goes to doctor bruised and battered and cuts. Doctor says oh my dear what happened to you?
Women answers its like this doctor my husband comes home drunk once or twice a week and beats me up! Doctor says Himm! I see. Well I can recommend some thing for you for that! Doctor says when you husband comes home drunk I suggest have a cup of tea take a mouth full and dont swallow till he goes to sleep! Two weeks later women turns up again and looking good and healed up and she says doctor it is worked! I did follow your advice its miracle! And doctor replays: see the benefits of keeping your mouth shut.
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