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In the beginning was the word... - LiveJournal.com
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Instagr.am
This damn app has changed the way I'm posting pictures online. I'm sorry LJ had often become a place for me to compile recent other-internet activities... <3
The birds and I when I returned home from Boston.
New hair.
The Lightbooth at Marquee Saturday night.
Erick Morillo making us dance, Marquee Saturday night.
Tofurkey sandwich deliciousness.
My refrigerator when it's "full".
Between the terminals at Logan Airport.
Boarding at Logan Airport.
Landing at McCarren Int'l Airport.
Holding five-week-old Zoe Grace for the first time.
Stuff & Pics
I'm in Los Angeles right now - I was just here for a week seeing friends and attending a baby shower. I head back to Vegas tomorrow.
I'm just going to make this a photo/update post, since I haven't posted in a little while and most of my updates are on Facebook. If you follow my facebook, this might be repetitive.
My birds are sleeping beside me right now.
Today we were visiting my friend Arachne - she has a conure named Justice, so this is me and the three boys.
I'm writing this on my new computer.
I went out dancing at a Burner party in LA last Saturday night. This is what I wore.
Speaking of Burners - GUESS WHO HAS A TICKET FOR BURNING MAN THIS YEAR!? THIS GIRL.
I've been making amazing breakfasts lately. This is an organic egg fried in olive oil with a bit of salt, pepper and apple cider vinegar for seasoning. On a bed of spinach and green pepper on an English muffin lightly buttered with vegan spread. With a slice of organic provolone cheese and a slice of tomato on top.
I've also been roasting asparagus with garlic and red onion and tomato. It's so damn delicious it's ridiculous.
I live in Las Vegas now. I'm house-hunting for a more permanent location, but at the moment I'm living in a cute little sublet right behind the Wynn hotel. I like to visit The Strip. The Bellagio fountains are gorgeous.
I don't know if I've shared this before, but I've been learning pole-tricks for the purpose of exercise... look what I can do!
Today I've listened to this song a few times.
http://youtu.be/3Gb3faOzvBk
I don't think I have much else to update about today. Life is good.
Picture
Another photo by Peter Paradise.
May 2010.
The Five Year Plan
Cross posted from my website... http://avensobrien.com
Where do you see yourself in five years? he asked me.
I had thought this was a date, perhaps, and then it started to feel like a job interview. I sipped my glass of wine and gave a number of cheeky answers followed by a few of the five-year ideas that spin around in my head. I added more to the answer a few hours later.
I get asked variations of this question often recently, and my answers are usually in the same direction every time, but theyre not concrete. Still, since he asked me Ive started to ponder it seriously.
As he said later, one cannot think about ones five year plan too often.
See, I used to know exactly what I wanted. Granted, teenagers think they know everything but I really did have some five year plans in mind. I was fourteen the day I started college and when people asked me what I wanted to do, I told them I wanted to study law and politics and run for state representative four years down the road. I wanted to move up through New Hampshire politics all the way to Governor, where Id facilitate the great libertarian experiment the Free State Project.
I wanted to make a difference, you see, and I was an idealist.
Then I met a man who I came to love, and he was the kind of idealist who doesnt believe in anything anymore because hes been too exposed to the harsh realities of compromise and selling out. He didnt want to poison me, but it was a thought process I hadnt really touched before, so I was fascinated by it. He drove a wedge of doubt into my idealism, and to this day Ive never been quite sure whether to thank him or curse him for it.
I considered applying to Harvard. At the time I was in my second year of college (at fifteen), I was achieving good grades in everything but my mathematics class (Ive always been terrible at that), and Id just received a Rising Star Award from my favorite professor. Then I decided I didnt want to leave New Hampshire. There were other factors, and I occasionally begrudge various individuals for their hand in convincing me not to even try, but I simply decided that I didnt need to leave New Hampshire to be successful there. I could stay in New Hampshire schools, work New Hampshire jobs, and be successful as the politician who did it all the New Hampshire Way.
I applied to Saint Anselm College, got accepted and attended in 2005. I didnt like it for a variety of reasons and moved onto the University system of New Hampshire.
I met a new man who I came to love, and he lived in Boston. Suddenly I found myself meeting interesting and creative people who didnt simply philosophize about perfect situations but made their own lives full and inspirational. I split my time between New Hampshire and Boston, found dissatisfaction in my political factions and began to cultivate an interest in intentional community. My worldview got a little bigger and I started to think I really wanted to be the person organizing things, making alliances, getting my hands dirty, not standing above it all suddenly I went from idealizing being the politician to being the staffer I wanted to be Josh Lyman from The West Wing.
I also became aware of something random and somewhat unrelated that many of my amazing friends were in their 30s and without children. It was my observation that in this world the people who are reproducing [at the highest rate] seem to be the ones who are too ill-educated or religious to use birth control. Suddenly I realized that if these incredible individuals dont have kids, their values of compassion, tolerance and progressivism will only get as far as they themselves reach, and not necessarily impact the next generation.
Suddenly a footnote attached itself to my five year plan something like find agreeable man, have babies, teach them values. Not necessarily sure the babies needed to show up in the next five years but I knew Id be interested in finding the man within the next five years.
Then I fell in love with a new man. This one had dreams of living all over the world and reaching people through his (brilliant) musical talent. In one fell swoop, pretty much, he cracked open this bubble Id intentionally enclosed myself inside, and he said theres a whole f**king world out there and youre twenty years old. Go see it before you decide what you want.
So I moved full-time to Boston and we planned to move across the country together. I figured I was good at selling political ideas (and retail items, professionally), I could sell his music. I started to promote not just his work but the creative works of all my talented, incredible friends. I knew what I wanted in five years I wanted to be his date at the Academy Awards where hed just written a nominated film score and I was observed by the media as the woman whose skills at networking had gotten him his big break. I knew I wanted his kids someday, so there I was, just living a dream we were doers, we were movers and shakers, and here was the world, wed take it by storm.
Ive been in a constant state of declaring what Im going to do with my life for the entirety of it up until July of 2009. Thats when my heart was broken.
In that moment I gave up plans for the future. I thought I had it all figured out and it just kept changing. I was done being disappointed. I was done limiting myself and then feeling like I hadnt accomplished anything when I looked back at what my five-year plan had been then versus what I wanted now. I was 21 and there was a whole f**king world out there for me to see before I decided what I wanted from it.
I packed all my belongings up, put my birds in a travel cage and I moved by myself 3000 miles away from everybody and everything I knew, to a city Id been to for eight days one year before.
I feel like, on paper, I dont possess a list of accomplishments. But I have all of these experiences, hurtling into specific directions with blinders on about everything else, allowing something along each destination to spin me somewhere else.
And all this time, Ive written about things. Written about what I want, what I am, what Ive done. The only consistent thing in my life is that I experience things with this self-awareness where I feel like Im watching myself while Im doing whatever it is I am.
And its from that place I write.
I dont know what lies in store for me in five years. Im interested in movie production (blame living in Los Angeles for two years for that), script writing, and writing about my current experiences in Las Vegas nightlife. Im primarily interested in experiences different than the ones Ive had already.
I feel like Ive spent a lot of time declaring five year plans which limit my ability to see everything else. I feel like Ive finally put myself in a position where I see so many options and I dont know where I want to go next I just want to see what comes my way. I like to think Im extremely good at adjusting to change, and when thats your talent, what else can you do but embrace constant change until you find something good enough to stick with?
Where do I see myself in five years? Not where I am right now. Not because theres anything wrong with where I am, but because theres a whole lot of opportunity for someone like myself, and Im honest enough with myself to know that I dont know what all is out there so I can only open my eyes widely and take whatever steps lead to higher than where I am.
To sum it up my five year plan is to have a five year plan in five years.
xposted from http://avensobrien.com
Nakoa.
I miss you too, buddy. I'll miss you forever.
Nakoa Moonhawk Estafen
October 5th, 2008 to January 10th, 2012
We lost Nakoa. He has moved on to the next great adventure of the cosmos. I am devastated. My heart aches and I beg that you all hold the Breitbachs and Estafens close in your heart as they process this loss. Just as I log on to notify you all, I find that a dear friend has just given birth to a baby boy today, and I remember that the circle of life continues, heedless to our human emotions. I grieve for one life, try to rejoice for another, and realize that life is continually full of bitters and sweets, but tonight I light a candle for the spirit of Nakoa, and hold the family close. May they have the strength to get through this, may they feel the love we send.
Thank you for all of your love, healing energy and support in this, our darkest hour.
Now for something positive
It's from May 2010 but Peter Paradise just sent this one to me.
Something happy.
Healing Energy Requested
Crossposted from my blog at http://avensobrien.com
This little boy is Nakoa Moonhawk. Nakoa is three years old and lives in Dubuque, Iowa. His mother is Maple Breitbach, who is the older sister of my ex-boyfriend Jackson. His father is David Estafen. He has two brothers Alam, who is 7, and Judah, who is 19 months. I consider them family, despite the bruised hearts between us.
On New Years Eve, Nakoa was chasing a toy of his behind the stove and his skin touched an uncovered, live wire of 220 volts of electricity. He was electrocuted instantly, and rushed to the hospital.
He has since been moved to Iowa City where he has been under constant observation. He has been in a comatose state for six days now. He has had numerous MRIs and CT scans and word passed has been both positive and pessimistic at differing times. Western medicine has kept him here with us for nearly a week now the spirit needs to help.
For those of you who pray, I beg that you pray. For those of you who light candles, make altars, send energy, I beg that you do what you can. We have been hoping for calming, cooling blue light (recommendation for altars, a bowl of water with a candle floating in it?) we need the swelling to go down in his brain and his body to begin healing. We want him to wake up when his body is ready to do so. We want him to be whole and healthy. We want him with us again.
Nakoa is a dear nephew-by-love to me. He is kind and sweet, and theres a seriousness to him sometimes (which implies an old soul to me) but when he is overjoyed and laughing he does so with his whole being. This little boy couldnt pronounce my name for the first few months he knew me and called me Awesomes.
I want to hear his little voice again, and see his little smile. This world will benefit greatly from continuing to have him in it, and I believe miracles are more likely the more people are wishing for one. Please join us.
This message of hope, of love, of light, of healing, has been passed all around this country and this world. Healers and heathens, communities, families, friends the outpouring of love and support has been amazing already, we just want to keep the vigil going as this beautiful butterfly makes his way back out of his cocoon.
If you would, please think on Nakoa Moonhawk for a moment, and hold his family close to your heart, as we struggle to keep hope alive and see the best possible outcome. I cry as I write this knowing I may have to update this post in any number of ways. May it be the best of ways. May all be well. I cant bear to believe it will be anything but good news.
Thank you.
Some words.
Dust collects upon the surfaces about me as I flee my body for the recesses of my mind, rewind - spot the refined lines defined upon the patterns possessed of thoughts caressed by subtle words that don't say anything at all. Reverb is a weird effect, for in an empty space the echoes make false evidence of fullness, and to pin weight upon them would lead to pain within regret. But still - there's a violence to the vastness of desire and a definite pull to chase the bunny down that rabbit hole, there is no goal, just curiosity, for world-tumbling and re-assertion is the ultimate arousal of an artist, and there's still some semblance of purity in my pursuit of art.
The dirt accrued through messy circumstances only textures up the final piece. And still, my thoughts distract in all directions defecting from their loyalties of interest and turning 'round on me, directing like spies upon treaties. But peace is needed in this moment, golden, and the mold unfolds to find there's no need to burn the bridges down, just wait and see as each piece takes its turn to flight and rights itself over the sea. We each ignite a light as we are suns upon the sky, and there's no need for exclusivity as we proceed in our rotation, this animation reveals itself to me.
Update
And again I fail at writing as often as I ought to.
For those who don't know, I Facebook most often and occasionally blog on http://avensobrien.com
But here's what's happened:
After my birthday in October, Iowa boy and I decided to end our relationship. It wasn't a hard call - after my month spent with him in Iowa and the weeks of growing distance emotionally after the return to physical distance, we were both simply over it. It ended mutually and with love, respect and friendship.
I've just moved out of my apartment in Santa Monica which I was subletting for the last few months. I'm on the road at the moment, heading to Las Vegas to find a home for the next 6-7 months.
My life is still in storage, which I'm slowly tiring of.
I was in Boston for ten days over Thanksgiving. I'm hoping to be in Boston for ten days over Yule.
My birds are doing awesomely. A friend of mine has been happy to host them at his house so that I can come and go as needed without stressing them out since I'm heading back and forth between Vegas and elsewhere. I saw them this morning and will see them again in a week after I get stuff done in Las Vegas.
I will actually be blogging more since my life is going to calm down after the holidays, and cross-posting will be part of that.
How are you all doing?
Today
October 10th, 1987 I was born.
Hey look, it's my birthday. Cool.
I'm in Las Vegas for the weekend.
Jackson flies to visit me on Tuesday.
I'm going to a comedy show on Wednesday.
It's been a good year, and I'll be writing about it later. :)
If you'd like to gift me with anything - any of the following will be appreciated:
-Tell somebody you love them.
-Spay/neuter your pets.
-Adopt a pet from a shelter.
-Make a donation to Planned Parenthood.
-Go organic.
Thanks!
I Wasn't There
Today is September 11, 2011. Ten years ago today, nineteen terrorists hijacked four commercial airline jets, two of which forever changed the skyline of one of America's most beloved cities.
I could use this anniversary to talk about how our country came together in the months following the attacks. I could tell you my perspective on how our politicians did and continue to capitalize on the public's fear of further attacks. I could tell you about what I perceive as foreign and domestic policy mishaps prior to and after the attacks, about blowback and wars of concept. I could tell you that a few months ago we learned that the mastermind behind these attacks met his end at the hands of our Navy Seals. But those things happened after, and I want to talk about that day, and this one.
I could tell you where I was when it happened. I could ask you where you were. But the significance of September 11, 2001 isn't about you or me. I can tell you where we weren't.
Neither of us were one of the nineteen hijackers.
We were not one of the 246 passengers or crew aboard United 93, United 175, American 11 or American 77.
We were not one of the 411 first responding personnel of the FDNY, NYPD, Port Authority Police Department, EMTs or paramedics who died trying to rescue people or fight fires.
We were not one of the 658 employees at Cantor Fitzgerald, nor were we among the 358 employees of March Inc. or the 175 employees of Aon Corporation, all of whom where trapped above the point of impact and had no chance of escape.
In fact, we weren't one of the 1,355 people in the North Tower at or above point of impact. We weren't one of the 107 below who didn't make it.
We weren't one of the 630 people in the South Tower, which thankfully had begun evacuating after the North Tower was hit.
We weren't one of the 125 people killed at the Pentagon, 55 of whom were military personnel.
We weren't one of the 2,977 innocent people who died that day as a result of this terrorist attack.
I wasn't there. I was safe. I was alive. I am safe. I am alive. I hope you are safe. If you're reading this, you are alive.
We are alive. We've been able to process, come to terms with, place blame for, respond, and capitalize on a shared moment in time in which many were murdered - and we live on.
It's September 11, 2011. Ten years ago today, nineteen terrorists hijacked four commercial airline jets, two of which forever changed the skyline of one of America's most beloved cities.
Today is just another day that we are still alive.
I'm appreciative of that fact. Please, use today to appreciate that fact.
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