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I'm one hundred kinds of crazy - LiveJournal.com
Contents:
Dream
Had a dream that I was doing something with Caitlyn, Kayla and Michelle (planning a party or something) over at my house when my neighbors across the street asked me to come over and help them with something in their backyard.
They wanted me to help them stack all of the things for their sons wedding (which were all in black garbage bags), but they already had it done when I got in their yard.
I didn't want to just leave, so I stayed to be nice and intruded on their family gathering where they were eating and singing strange songs (some from Fiddler on the Roof...they're not Jewish).
When I got back to my house I missed dinner (and they didn't feed me at the neighbors). My Nana and Grandpa were visiting (who I haven't seen in about 10 years) and my dad suggested they take me to McDonald's. My Grandpa was complaining about it because he didn't want to spend the money or something.
When we sat at McDonald's (like it was a gourmet restaurant) I recall Caitlyn, Kayla, Michelle and her mom, Karen, running out past us and Caitlyn screamed "You're not going to win!"
And we had a conversation with Karen and Michelle about how my Grandpa used to call her just to hear her voice (which they don't even know each other...so weird).
I got back home and there was a party happening across the street so for some reason I went back and had Karen Ruffini (my brain must have thought of all the Karen's I know and put them in one dream) make me a drink.
I had some sort of project due (must have been my thesis) and everyone was asking how it was and they (whoever they were) were all proud of me.
And then I woke up. I have the strangest dreams.
It's Been A Long Time. Now I'm Coming Back Home
I've been away for quite some time and I really want to update about EVERYTHING (because it's really a lot) but I have much to do and no time to fit it in.
Just wanted to post for my own records the dream I had last night
Had a dream I was somewhere, outside my house maybe. I forget who I was with but we all ended up on a boat leaving in like..the bay at Jones Beach. There was a lot of traffic coming back in and apparently our boat got stuck so a truck (yes, a truck in the middle of the ocean) had to come and pick us up.
After that I met this very cute guy who asked me to go on a date with him later that night so I said yes.
I went in the shower in my dream, which was in my bedroom, as well as a toilet. He came over my house and watched baseball with my dad.
So I was finally ready for my date and my parents were driving me for some reason and my mom was sitting in the backseat with us. Apparently he lived right across the street from me.
When we picked him up at his house, the person that walked out wasn't him- and I knew it and so did everyone else but no one said anything.
He had a long long long beard and was heavier than the cute guy.
They dropped us off at these people's house who had a restaurant in their living room with like 3 tables.
We ate dinner and then the guy was like "I need to go to the bathroom."
So he left, and then when he came back he was a totally different guy.
These three guys thought it was funny to play a trick on me- so I flipped out on them and they apologized.
I asked where the first guy was and I never got a straight answer. He like didn't want to date me.
Such a weird dream.
I feel like I'm forgetting things, but if they come to me I'll have to edit.
There Are Places I Remember
I'm getting sad with the point I'm at in my life. I'm only a junior in college, I'm working really hard at it with really tough classes, my work will never get easier from this point on, when I graduate I don't know what I'm going to do...it's really stuff I don't have to worry about right this second.
I just feel like I don't have too much to be happy about. I'm pretty depressed.
In a gigantic rut.
I get sad going to bed every night lately. I am lonely. It's okay to be single, I'm not saying I need or even want a boyfriend. But I don't like sleeping alone anymore..or not having anyone to snuggle with when I want.
I don't need attention, I just want comfort and protection.
It takes me a while to clear my mind and fall asleep, which is why I should get in bed earlier.
On another note, but related, I don't understand the dating world.
Quite frankly I'm scared of it. Or I'm just scared of getting attached to anyone again.
Uh oh. I have problems with this now? I'm that girl?
But I can either experience it and live day by day or I can just read Cosmo and have them tell me what to do.
Can't wait for Valentine's day- the first one in 4 years where I'll be unattached again. It's okay though- because that only really mattered to me, for some reason, in middle school and high school. It's not really an awful holiday.
If I don't end up doing anything (besides being at Shakespeare rehearsal from 12-5), I will watch Sleepless in Seattle or some other chick flick. I also would love to see that Valentine's Day movie soon.
Alright well I have Modern Dance III at 8AM tomorrow. Goodnight
The Older I Get, The More I Procrastinate
I am certain I'll never stop procrastinating.
It's just the way I am.
I wanted to get all forms of distraction out of the way though because I sit down to tackle the first of Spring Semester 2010's homework.
This semester isn't going to be easy. I will be stage managing the performance of Shakespeare here and I know that's going to be a lot. I won't have much of a spring break because I'll be back here by the end of the week for rehearsals.
I'm upset because I've let myself turn down multiple auditions for different productions already this semester.
It would be good to be busy and have some things to distract me, but I know that I would complain a lot.
I do need a little time to breathe and do homework and crochet and just relax. Next year I'll spread myself too thin.
If I did do them then I wouldn't be free any night of the week. I like free nights.
Being back at school is alright. The first week was manageable and I definitely had a lot more time to do nothing with than last semester. Not so sure the rest of the semester will be this way, but after March it probably will. I found myself getting back into bed almost every day.
I'm worried about my lack of ambition and drive to do anything. I've put off going to the pub and eating for the past 2 hours. That's the smallest of my problems.
I've been constantly obsessing and worrying about the credits I have and need and if I will graduate or not. The good news is I freaked out for no reason. I'm in a good place- I'm just never going to not be busy.
I enjoyed our first weekend back, as well. It was quiet and nice. I'm afraid the quiet will soon lose its appeal and we're going to get bored. But I enjoy the company I'm surrounded by. That's a plus.
I'm dealing with things better than I though. The break was good for that. It's still not easy- but it's easier. Only up from here, I guess.
I have to start focusing and working. Even though the semester's not that tough yet, I really have to get and stay on top of things or I'm not going to be happy.
A stressed me is not fun. That makes the getting out of bed harder and the stomach constantly in knots.
I don't want to write this paper right now. So maybe I'll focus my focus (heh) on the rest of the stuff I need to get done.
Really enjoying something lately.
The Beginnings of Carpal Tunnel
TEN HOWS:
How did you get one of your scars?
I (knock on wood) don't have any real scars. The only thing I can think of is a big chicken pox mark on my chest that has faded. Oh- and a broken blood vessel on one of my ring fingers. I got it from petting a straw elephant (I still don't know why) at my brothers music festival and I got stung by a bee. I was probably 4 or 5, it's my earliest memory and it too has since faded.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
Family, friends and boyfriend came over and we celebrated like we normally do.
How are you feeling at this moment? Tired. But fulfilled from the movies I just watched
How did your night go last night? Went to see Leap Year, ate Chinese at Jani and watched the Golden Globes
How did you do in high school? I was an average student. I could have easily put in more effort.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing? Christmas present
How often do you see your best friend? Almost every day- I live with her
How much money did you spend last month? So much. If this was 2 months ago I would have said almost none
How old do you want to be when you get married? Well I've got it all planned out. Married by 26 or 27 and be poppin' 'em out before 30
How old will you be at your next birthday? 21 :)
NINE WHAT'S:
Your mother's name? Christina, or just Tina
What did you do last weekend? Um..Went to the movies, went out to dinner, saw a couple friends, crocheted
What is the most important part of your life? Getting myself in order
What would you rather be doing? Living without thinking [too much]
What did you last cry over? I just cried watching Up. But the last event I cried over was stress in my current life situation
What always makes you feel better when you're upset? John Mayer, chocolate, crocheting (absolute catharsis) and Golden Girls
What's the most important thing you look for in a significant other? They are my accent- I'm okay without them, but with them I feel better. I need to feel protected
What are you worried about? What am I NOT worried about? It's just the way I was born!
What did you have for breakfast? D&D Iced Tea and a chocolate chip muffin
EIGHT HAVE YOUS:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? Technically, I suppose
Have you ever had your heart broken? Stomped on, ripped open and put back in upside down and backwards is more like it
Have you ever been out of the country? Only to Mexico and I don't count that trip at all
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? That's my middle name
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? Yes.
Have you ever had sex on the beach? Nope
Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Nope
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Yes, Georgia Nicholson
SEVEN WHOS:
Who was the last person you saw? My sister
Who was the last person you texted? Steve
Who was the last person you hung out with? My parents, my sister and my dog
Who was the last person to call you? Caitlyn
Who did you last hug? My Grandma
Who is the last person who texted you? Steve (he answered back haha)
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to? Grandma
SIX WHERES:
Where does your best friend live? Depending on who, there are several locations. My house, Long Island or Maryland
Where did you last go? Went to the grocery store
Where did you last hang out? My den
Where do you go to school? Manhattanville College
Where is your favorite place to be? My pink bedroom
Where did you sleep last night? My pink bedroom
FIVE DOS/DOES:
Do you like someone right now? I'm not sure
Do you think anyone likes you? I don't think, I know.
Do you ever wish you were someone else? Never
Do you know the muffin man? I've taken this before.
Does the future scare you? Absolutely
FOUR WHYS:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? Because she's my twin and I've known her forever
Why did you get a facebook? Because I was young and impressionable
Why did your parents give you the name you have? My mom always like the name Courtney because it she thought i was rare and she heard it when she was young because it was Jack Lemon's daughters name. Patrice is after my mom's father, Patrick (Pasquale)
Why are you doing this survey? I saw that Kathryn did it and I was in the mood. It's fun to do these periodically and look back at how you've changed
THREE IFS:
If you could have one super power what would it be? Reading minds
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? Definitely
If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? My laptop. How else would I farm??
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVERS:
Would you ever get back together with any of your exs if they asked you? I've done it before. I'd do it again (not necessarily the same one haha)
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Yes! Hair grows- and mine grows fast. It would be hard because I love my hair so much.
ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now? I could always be happier. I'm getting there
Stole This From Jackie
What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
went to Texas, crocheted a blanket (or two), go to therapy
Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never keep them. Just be healthy
Did anyone close to you give birth?
no
Did anyone close to you die?
no
What places did you visit?
Houston, TX
Connecticut
What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Have more time for me and concentrate on myself
What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
Jan 6, Valentines Day, rodeo, the retreat, Chris's wedding
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Dean's list Spring '09
What was your biggest failure?
losing what I want
Did you suffer illness or injury?
the wisdom tooth extraction from hell
What was the best thing you bought?
that dress from Urban
Whose behavior merited celebration?
I'm not sure
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
no comment
Where did most of your money go?
I managed to save a lot more. It mostly went to necessities. Very rarely for pleasure
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
moving into 2-6 :D
What song(s) will always remind you of 2009?
That's Not My Name- The Ting Tings, Love Me Please Love Me- Michel Polnareff, Sicko- The Harlem Shakes (listening now, and it's making me think of last year), Friends, Lovers or Nothing- John Mayer (that will continue into 2010)
Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. Happier or sadder?
sadder
II. Thinner or fatter?
thinner
III. Richer or poorer?
richer
What do you wish you'd done more of?
seen more movies
What do you wish you'd done less of?
sit inside
How will you be spending the holidays?
at home with friends and family
How will you be spending New Year's?
At Kaycie's house with friends
Did you fall in love in 2009?
yes, and hard.
How many one-night stands?
zero
What was your favorite TV program?
So You Think You Can Dance, 90210
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone- but I am upset with people, certainly.
Do you like anyone now that you hated this time last year?
Yea kinda, actually
What was the best book you read?
I liked every book I read. I read more in 2009, which was great.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
I discovered some really cool bands! Coconut Records, Phoenix, Fela Kuti, Fleet Foxes (that may have actually been 2008 though), Lady Gaga! haha
What did you want and get?
Alex
What did you want and not get?
the bedspread I dream of
What was your favorite film this year?
Up In The Air. I watched Amelie 300 times though and wrote a paper on it
What did you do on your birthday?
Spent it at home with a boyfriend, family and friends
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
the end of it being entirely different.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Lots of skirts and dresses. Wishing my winter wardrobe was better
What kept you sane?
Really good friends/roommates
Which celebrity/public figure did you f
ancy the most?
John Mayer
What political issue stirred you the most?
I wasn't stirred. Wish I was- that would mean I was paying attention
Who did you miss?
Alex
Who was the best new person you met?
AJ!
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Worry about yourself. Concentrate on others feelings
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
There's so many ways to act and there's many shades of black- The Raconteurs
n
Bored
I really have nothing else to do but update. Or play with my Farmville of Roller Coaster Kingdom.
I'm home and so far so good.
I'm pretty bored.
Christmas was fab and I can't believe New Years is tomorrow. I say "so long 2009", you jerk.
The majority of that year was so great and then it all went down the toilet..so now it's time begin a new year. I say every year that "this is my year". But I guess I mean it this time.
I could make resolutions but I know I won't stick to them, but that's probably a bad outlook. Sometimes I can't even remember the resolutions I make!
Every year they're the same though. "Be healthy", or some crap.
That I will do, actually. Really going to start concentrating on healthy food intake, working out (dancing, people. Me at the gym, really?) and sleeping right.
I got loads of goodies for Christmas:
headphones
dress, sweater, shirts
The Ugly Truth, The Hangover, Golden Girls (s1 & s2), Friends (s5 is lost somewhere and s6).
The new and final Georgia Nicholson book, which I've already finished.
lots of gift cards that I plan to spend wisely
pajamas, socks, perfume
Went to the city for Joanna's 21st birthday and we had an excellent time. We shopped and had a nice dinner at Yaffa Cafe.
I've been crocheting a cool looking blanket for Caitlyn. It kind of looks like puke in yarn-form but it could be cool.
I'm going to work on it now.
Extreme
I don't like when I take extreme hiatus's like this.
I usually love to update for my own sake just so that I can later look back and keep track and reminisce about it all- shouldn't be too hard to catch up though.
Life has gotten better. It always does- but in the moment you never really think it will. I see a therapist once a week and it has been a great outlet to discuss and also to sort out my stuff.
I haven't really been doing much of anything. I fell behind on my work, wasn't getting good grades and wasn't making the efforts. Everything is sorted out and I'm back on track- whether or not my grades will reflect it is another story entirely.
The dance concert was two weeks ago. That was a completely unenjoyable experience because of how I had to play a man in both dances, and didn't do much dancing. What could have been a fun thing just turned into another stress and another way my life hasn't gone the way I want it to this semester. But that's over and the performances were fine. It was really nice to be able to dance and stretch the whole week-I felt really in shape and good about myself.
I've already made my schedule for next semester and it's going to be stressful. I will have a lot of work to do and I know I'm going to be a basket case..but maybe I'd rather have that be the case than a lot of down-time that I won't do anything with.
The most productive thing I've done this semester is make an entire Afghan blanket. It's granny squares and it's beautiful and I'm really proud.
I just need my life to get back to normal. I need everything to just be calm and I need to be relaxed again.
I am looking forward to the winter break because I will have time to do some breathing and thinking and calming down. It's hard to calm down when the situation is constantly in your face- but I think I've been doing a pretty good job, considering what I've been given to work with.
I am tired of the he-said she-said bullshit that goes on at this school.
I am a big person and I am taking care of myself.
I am probably stronger than I've ever been in my life and I'm really happy that I've done it all on my own.
I am on my road to independence and I am getting happier every day and when I'm unhappy I let it bother me less.
I am also lucky to have Joanna because she's been a really great support system for me and so helpful. I'm lucky to have Sam too because she's a great friend too.
May or may not go to Winter Formal- and if I do..I really don't give two shits if you think you can't have fun. Either avoid me, or man up and don't let it bother me. If I saw you- I know it would bother me..but I'd keep it to myself and act like it didn't. I don't make things awkward.
This entry wasn't really jam-packed but I guess it's better than not writing.
Who Am I?
I'm sad still.
I know that I can't define myself by a guy- but he was a great accent to my life.
I am depressed.
I have no social life anymore- and I am dragging Joanna down with me and I feel so bad about it.
I wake up with a knot in my stomach, petrified of what the day will be.
It's hard for me to focus, it's hard for me to not daydream.
I have been to therapy twice already and it's good. It's just hard to actually apply the ideas we come up with to real life.
I guess I have to work on myself as an individual to really find out what I want to accent my life.
It sucks that I didn't choose to be where I am- it just happened to me and I can't do anything about it now.
I'm upset because this isn't the way I wanted anything to turn out in my life. I am so unhappy with my entire situation- I don't even see happiness in the near future.
I have things to concentrate on- whether I will or won't is another story.
I'm Broken.
I am so broken hearted right now and I can't accomplish anything.
I think maybe writing about it right now will help me focus? I was supposed to go to the counseling center at 1 but AGAIN they have cancelled my appointment and moved it to Wednesday now.
This just goes right along with the way everyone treats me lately. I have had several good friends stick by my through this- but the rest are absolutely nothing.
I am so hurt by everything that happened it's STILL making me shake and hurting my stomach.
I've been abandoned by my best friend and boyfriend in a time of need. I don't understand how someone who said they loved me THAT much could have done this.
At first I don't think anyone thought that- we all thought it would end differently. But I don't know what he's been telling everyone- not one person cares about what I have to say.
Not one person cares that this whole situation had to deal with me. I am in the middle of all of it, yet I am so far on the outside.
Not one person cares that they shouldn't get involved.
I am hurt and sickened by everything that has happened this week.
I am perpetually sick. I am nauseated all day and I can't get any of my work done. I have no appetite and I don't sleep well.
I have dreams/nightmares every night about him.
I had no closure.
I hope he's just as miserable as I am right now for the same exact reasons.
I hope he feels guilty.
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