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Im a Mess.... - LiveJournal.com
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I think that possibly maybe i've fallen for you....
Its been 4 wonderful months with ryan and I honestly couldn't be any happier. He and I are perfect for each other even though some might not think that. He just is so amazing ahhh :)
Moving on lately I've been feeling really sick and it really sucks. I have no clue what's going on with me ugh.
Also I've been working a lot at TJs and that also blows.
And I actually can't wait to go back to the mount clearly something is wrong.
Last week I sat here in the same spot at the mount with snow falling everywhere and this week it is sunny and the sun is in my eyes. I can hardly see what it is im typing. In general My boyfriend is the bomb.com, I hate school and just wanna be a nurse already god, and I havent even looked at my book for 3 mins and my test is at 6. I have to stop procrastinating and I need to go study.
Toodles.
First off Ashley KC if you read this I really like your haircut!... PS WE NEED TO MAKE TIME FOR KARAOKE NIGHT SOON! I MISS YOU!
Anywho now that I have gotten that out of the way. I haven't written in this thing for a bit and I feel like it is the right time and a great way to procrastinate before my poli sci class. Its snowing here in gardner and instead of reading my wonderfully boring American Government book, I am staring into the snowy distance praying my 6 o'clock is cancelled, but then again hoping it isn't because that means I wasted my time driving all the way here in traffic.
I am also on Meebo.com an amazing site that allows people to IM from all over, its totally my fave and alica is trying to get me to go to amherst which is not happening (sorry Alicia). I have work tomorrow plus the snow means you will not be home anytime soon haha.
If you go to the mount aka the mwcc you probably would not be interested in taking Political Science : Massachusetts and the Federal System. I thought the class would be talking about the po po and like laws etc etc but I was completely wrong. Instead of talking about like murders and police chases we talk about Obama, while my entire class bashes on the newly elected president. They are all Republicans and whenever I speak (since I am marked as a stupid sorority girl who dropped out of real college) they make faces at me, even the god damn teacher, its complete bullshit.
I would also like to say that I absolutely hate MWCC... sorry for anyone who goes here but really this is easier than highschool and it is a shame that it takes 3 years plus to get into a crappy nursing program... therefore I am applying to other schools asap because I am going to say this.. I am better than this school for sure.
Finally What the hell is going on with Michael Phelps. I know he did a bong rip and someone took a snap shot but hes an idiot (whom I think is very sexy) for allowing someone to be in his presence when this happened. Plus hes a swimmer doesn't smoking of any sorts hurt his 100 meter performaces shame on you Mr. Phelps.
Sorry I just wrote about all this crap. As for myself I am talking to this wonderful guy and he makes me smile and laugh. I hate work and school. And I wanna go to karaoke soon very soon (ashley that means you).
-Mal
New Years
So I realize we are only half way through the month but I decided to determine my new Years Resolutions early.
1.) No more soda.. unless it is mixed with alcohol
2.) No more fast food ever. Well for the year I'm gonna see how it goes.
3.) Get More Organized
4.) MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE!
So thats that. Right now I am procrastinating writing a paper on oedipus rex which was due thursday. I also still need to study for my final thats tomorrow and the presentation I have to do on the paper I should have already wrote. Hopefully its all good.
Also I have one more final after tomorrows and on Wednesday I am volunteering for the red cross at turkey hill with my aunt because she has been cooking for a ton of people by herself since friday from 5am to 8pm she needs help...so if you wanna volunteer with me lemme know!
2008 is slowly fading and I couldn't be Happier
I hate 2008, this year in my own book has sucked bigtime.
-It started out amazingly because I turned 21, I did not live at home.. I had complete freedom.
-I became Panhellenic President which was a dream of mine; I was a great leader.
-And I was dating a guy who I had a crush on since Freshman year of college.. who finally after 2.5 years broke up with his fat ugly girl friend.
Everything was going my way and I was soaking in every minute of glory..
Then my life turned for the worst and went f**king sour.
-First I found out that I needed to get jaw surgery again and it would be over summer.
-Next the guy I just mentioned started dating some other girl while still doing the dirty with me haha I laugh about it but its wicked f**ked up.
-I get kicked out of Umass Amherst (there my presidential dreams went down the toilet!)
-I had jaw surgery (which the preceding weeks were all drunken ones) twice because they f**ked my jaw up yet again.. always happens.
-I have braces (still) and look like I am 16 years old.
-I have had relations with many a men and I haven't enjoyed any of their presence.
-I now live at home in a jail cell pretty much, where I am verbally abused like highschool, and have absolutely no freedom whatsoever.
-I have no money, and by no I mean negative. My bank account is horrible looking and I can't bare to look.
-I owe sooo much money to people, I hope to eventually pay them back.
-I was told I had cancer, and went through all these cancer tests etc for 4 months to find out that I don't have it, what an emotional ride that wasn't even necessary.
-Lastly I find out that I might have endimitriosis which may never allow me to have children ever. yay.
2008 so far has = shittiest year of my life
& has left me thinking I will be single and alone forever cuz Everything always gets f**ked up somehow.
Winter is cold, and bitter
And Im so scared that my winter is gonna suck.
Suddenly a sadness has come over me. I hate my life. and I am in such a horrible mood.
I miss Umass. and I miss my best friends.
I have decided 2008 is the worst year of my life thus far and I just want it to be over now...
So Im really scared....
I've been having this pain in my side. that I went to the ER for a few weeks ago. Come to find out its not my appendix at all. Today I am going to another type of doc to see whats wrong with my ovaries.. Im so nervous cuz I have this feeling its gonna be cancer or that I'm sterile and cant have kids which will KILL ME ON THE INSIDE!
Wish me luck!
An Update on the Life of Mal
+Last week went with my girlies to Amherst and got tan at Puffers Pond! I need to do that again! Unfortunately I got pulled over by a cop that was on the stand for a case I was on jury duty for. Luckily he gave me the minimum amount of $100 which I don't have and will end up paying at the last minute.
+Chris showed me to a new bar called the Tankard in the center of town. Its cute but like its def. an older bar. We met a drug dealer who liked us and befriended us cuz we were straightedge. He thought we were together which was a common theme for the night. Brought us to a warehouse in fitchburg where "I f**king hate you & want to kill myself" music was being performed. A fat girl called all the girls on stage and some girl grabbed my arm and pulled me up on stage where I'm pretty sure I had a WTF face on. And then one the count of 3 they wanted me to flash people.. um I refused.. but on the count of 3 that same girl that pulled me up pulled my shirt up and I screamed and held it down. What an interesting night!
+Saturday I had to babysit and as I was trying to figure out the dvd player some weird ass noise came on the tv. I was like wtf and I looked at the TV and there was a live feed of me on the television. THE PEOPLE WERE RECORDING ME!!! how f**king creepy! I legit from that point on was scared out of my mind and did not want to be at that house anymore cuz I couldnt stop looking at the camera.
+That night I went out with Kristy and Chris to Borders and it was nice. Saw Kenny Milton who is so funny, love him! I had 2 drinks and I was pretty drunk. We left and went to the The tankard and again some guy thought chris and I were a couple haha. We played pool and the entire time I was making comments like "We are so done if you don't win this game" and "I'm taking the dog". Hilarious. There I had like half a beer and I was still realy drunk So I left my car at Kristy's and Chris brought me home.
+Sunday I babysat again for that fam except this time it was at church so it was fine.. but let me tell you 2 hours in a church room is so boring and I almost fell asleep twice.
+So I had an opportunity to go to Warped tour from the 23rd to the 3rd but I turned it down.. I want to go but I have no money and honestly I'm not driving all that way.. noooo way!
Morales of my week.... The tankard will forever believe Chris and I are a couple (haha), When you babysit look for camera, & Amherst during the summer is Beautiful and I wish I lived there.
PSSSSSS Im house sitting at my uncles house Today - Thursday so come visit me. Give me a call... they have a pool!
I knew this was gonna happen... I knew they were going to mess up... I was hoping it wouldnt happen but it has. Right now i look like a monster, from my eyes down I am puffy. Also my Lips are mad lopsidded.. like they f**ked my lips up and I cried so much about the other night they needed to sedate me in order to calm down. I have perks, some steroids to help the swelling, i have oxycotin, and like 3 other pills including one that makes me feel like nothing... like im just a waste of a life. Also like it makes it so I dont/ cant cry about getting surgery again on either tuesday or wednesday. I hope I get all my feeling back and I hope it happens sooner than later.. I also hope that they dont mess up again....
Now they messed up because when i bite down my right side of my mouth only touches and not the left. And there is still a gap so to change it they have to like keep taking more and more bone out of my mouth. I just really dont wanna look like a freak so they better fix that and my f**king lips cuz i will cut someone if they dont. And I think since its mal practice again for the 3rd time we are going to sue and I will get a large settlement hopefully...
PS im not going to umass again. its pretty definate.
There is this pain deep inside, that travels from my heart to my stomach and keeps turning and rotating to the point where I can't keep the tears down. Its the pain of realization. It is my surgery hitting me over and over. Its a deep sadness, that no one ever wants to have.. especially after they saw the sex and the city movie. Hopefully everything will be ok. If not I do not know what will happen to me. But Im praying this sadness leaves me soon....
My Life is a joke.
So I just spent a good 40 mins or so reading old journal entries and thought to myself "was I on Crack?" Honestly I might have.. hah.
I decided recently that I am going to write a book, on my insane life I lead. I might even write a book on how to deal with getting jaw surgery: a guide on how to survive the liquid diet. haha which leads me to the fact that...
I am getting jaw surgery on thursday.. aka i have 3 nights and 2 days left to have an amazing time, filled with booze and possibly some adventures before hell comes my way. Jaw surgery is a form of hell, I dont know if you know that? But believe me.. when you have to be on 4 pain meds and sleep upstraight for at least a month it is the worst time of your life. Maybe this time I will not get sick every 5 mins and not look like a sick person. Hey at least I have another chance to write my book haha.
PS I may not go back to umass.. I think Ive had enough of it.
Halloween is Soon. Im working that day so visit me at Michaels.. My awesome employer! HAHA
I Just bought amazing shoes.. I cant wait to wear them.
That is all.
Touch my hands
So I have another day off today, its quite nice actually except i am going to be driving around with my mom all day trying to get things signed and checked out so that I can drive my car this week! Im buying a 2000 Saturn V6 with only 85,000 miles, meaning every year the person drove a little over 12,000, which is totally good for me. Its dark red with black, and it has a sunroof and automatic everything... Im so friggen pumped for my first car, and hey ITS NOT A MINI VAN!
I decided i dont like some friends.. well supposed friends. Like Id rather leave them and move on... why do friendships end?? Well I know this one is because they do petty f**king shit and there is all this f**king drama around 3 of them and its too much for me and lately Ive grown up a bit especially with my promotion haha. but yea that was a little tangent... so 4 people from 2 different friend groupd will be out of my life soon, cuz I dont like them anymore.
And in saying that Im pretty sure I have a day off on thursday. & If i can drive my car by thursday Im going to go see Tay Tay in the Dirty E. (Everett) And We gonna party lol. My cousins wedding is Friday and My friend Sarah Patten is coming cuz my date bailed on me.. f**king a*****eeee. But the wedding with Pattencakes will be fun cuz we havent seen each other since january!
KANYE IS NEXT WEEK AND THIS KID IS TOTALLY PUMPED.. LIKE WICKED!
Ok im done.
I worked 33 hours in the past weekend.. aka saturday and sunday.
I cant wait to sleep now!
Money in the bankk is gonna be sweet in the next 2 weeksssss
Formal was fun... There are pics look onward.
TO tell the honest truth.. I want to be home right now... away from amherst.
SUMMMMMMMMERRRRR in 1.5 weekssss
My friend sang at the taste of Umass... and she f**king won the grand prize of 500 bucks!
Im so proud of her... shes the UMASS IDOL!
So Since yesterday... I do not have Arthritis. Thank the lord I'm not a granny! Unfortunately with that comes bad news. Since my last surgery my mouth has collapsed and still is. My mouth is a lot smaller than it used to and I didn't know why, but now I do. I guess its common in pregnant women (IM NOT PREGGERS lol) and it is stress related, and you could say I am stressed out. So I do need surgery. :( . I have to keep getting bone scans and being poked with radioactive dye until my jaw comes up in the scan negative (not a hot spot). So its gonna be awhile until I actually get surgery but just the thought of me having to get surgery again sickens me. I also had x-rays of my knees cuz they don't know what is wrong with them. Destiny is just kicking right now.....
Futurism.
I Am Twenty Years Young, tomorrow I find out my destiny. Will I need Jaw Surgery? Will I need Knee Surgery? Do I have Arthritis?? Truly my life is destined in some way, shape, or form and mentally I have prepared myself for the worst. I think the negative and just ride the wave. This is now, this is what I call my life. Theres nothing I can do to change what has happened in the past, right now all that should matter is the future. I'm done with all the high school drama, all the stupid fights, all the hate, its all gone, basically I'm living as though nothing happened in the past. I am not saying I will catch up in the past now and later but I am not going to dwell on things like I used to. At this point and time I think that those who are my age might want to do the same, it would really benefit everyone. So I'm hoping tomorrow for nothing, so when I'm let down I'm not hurt because I thought I wouldn't be let down if that makes any sense....
I have one more class.
Then Break is officially Here.
SO EXCITED TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!
thats All I can write because I have to go to Classssss.
PEaceee
blaaaaaah
Im at home for the night.
Im bored and overwhelmed with homework.
Mozilla Firefox provides spell check on everything which is COOL!
I met a boy.
Hes cute.
He probably isnt into me cuz I didnt sleep with him.
Oh well if he doesnt respect that.
Hes probably not for me.
I have to get blood work done.
AKA i need to flush out my system til then!
DARNIT!
I wish i was going somewhere for break.
But instead im Walmart Mountianing it up with Robi-Wan.
I am Sick.
I didnt wake up at 7:30 like usual.
I love my panhel biotches.
This week Im stressin.
I dont have time for lunch anymore i decided.
I love Whole Foods.
I neeeeed to go shopping!
Bank of America Where is my Debit Card??!?
that is basically an update of my life.
I hate bone scans. I hope the radioactive dye gets out of my system soon. Or this is f**king bullshit.
The Dreaded Time of My Life
Yesterday I found out in order to fix my jaw surgery will indeed be needed. Its really sad since I had 2 jaw surgeries before hand. I have some type of disease which basically disolves my jaw joints and this usually happens to women ages 17-20. Of course this just has to happen to me. Im going to get a bone scan tomorrow, where they put radioactive dye in my body, and then after pissing out the radioactivity for 3 hours, I will then have to lay on this thing for an hour without moving. and then of course Im babysitting.. should be a blast.
The solution: IF the bone is not growing anymore get upper jaw surgery again for my 3rd time, to change positioning. Thats is option A
IF the bone is still growing or there is still activity going on in the jaw region..I get my jaw joints replaced with ones made of titanium... what sucks is that i will be cut on the outside of my face possibly leaving scars which will someday force me to get sometype of scar removal surgery later on in life.
Someone must really hate me because why is all this happening to me for the 3rd time :(
If this picture works its a picture of what i will be getting on both sides of my jaw.
What is the singular of Bangs?
Im now offically 20 since last tuesday. And as I have been thinking and looking back on the past 16.5 years I can remember I have evolved just as how my friends have as well. I have changed so much from this really catholic girl in 3rd, when she moved into a public school for 4th grade and suddenly went from that really outgoing child to a timid girl. I changed from that girl in highschool who never drank or did a drug to a college girl who parties sometimes during the week and tries new things. I just feel like so much change has happened and It has only been 20 years, I have a multitude of years left and I can only wonder how many more memorable laughing bursts I will have, how many lyle like people I Will be forced to f**king meet (myluck), How many friends I will lose and retain, what I will be doing in the past years, how many kids I will have, and how many grandchildren I will have.. etc etc. And thinking about the future gets me kind of excited because you really cannot determine it all, its like a possiblity of all these things which amazes me.
What is the singular of Bangs? to me its not a bang its a f**king bung get it right.
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