Description:
"This is the sound of my soul."
-Spandau Ballet
Contents:
Remember the time
"Do you remember
When we fell in love?
We were young
And innocent then.
Do you remember
How it all began?
It just seemed like heaven...
So why did it end?"
Words cannot express the sinking feeling I have as I watch all the footage on various media outlets concerning the loss of arguably the greatest entertainer that ever lived, Michael Joseph Jackson. I also am deeply saddened by Farrah Fawcett's lost battle with cancer, and am a little dismayed that her death is eclipsed by that of Michael's.
But admittedly, I was a fan of Michael's longer than that of Farrah's, and Michael's body of work totally obliterates that of any other artist of his generation. His attention to detail was inspiring, his energy tireless, and his work ethic worthy of note. The fact that he is the first of his family to fade away is perhaps an off-putting irony, but fitting in a peculiar way.
Fitting? Why do I say that?
I often wished that I could have been a friend of Michael's. He was a person that I think needed good friends, like the ones I have. He was close to several people, but the man was obviously and painfully alone. In his darkest moments, I so many times wanted to just give that guy a hug, drink a beer with him, or a glass of wine, and just let him know that it was all gonna be good. I realize that he may have heard that alot, but it never sunk in.
Most of us have heard the stories of folks that have befriended him, only to use him and his star for the purposes of their own gain and his defamation. Most notably was Martin Bashir, who interviewed him over a span of eight months and twisted the star's words and thoughts into something dubious and sensational. But Michael's life was littered with Martin Bashirs and others who, in my opinion, took advantage of his kindness, his generosity, his innocent spirit and his light.
I said fitting earlier because if you follow the timeline of Michael's life, you can't escape the thought that the man was tired. All he did was give, and all he got was dogged. Death can only be viewed as a release for this incredible man, and he is probably better off where he is.
As for Farrah...her battle was fought long and hard. She was a bright light that not only illuminated every teenaged boy's dreams, but also gave young girls that spark that said, a decade after Helen Reddy, they were strong and invincible. And all these decades later, she was still giving women strength.
I'll admit, my blog is lopsided today, and Farrah had the misfortune of dying the same day as The King of Pop. But they both will be remembered by me for their goodness and their greatness.
The world was no doubt a better place because of their existence.
Peace.
Michael Jackson
Pleasure principle
"I'm not here to feed your insecurities;
I wanted you to love me."
So much has happened since I last spoke to you guys...the most important of which is, I've found my soulmate.
Stella has brought a light to my life that I had stopped searching for. It was a pretty rocky start for the both of us I suppose. We both had baggage, misgivings, and insecurities that we struggled to work through. But the basis of our relationship, we both agreed, was to always be honest with each other.
Easier said than done, right?
That may be true, but we've decided not to let fear of the unknown to stop us from being upfront with each other. It has prevented us from falling into major arguments. That honest approach seems to really be buoying us along waters that would soak and drown other less stable pairings. Granted, we've only been close since January, but it's clear, at least to me, that nothing short of a seriously dishonest act is going to be able to come between us.
Fast forward to a conversation we had in the car on our way to work today. She said something to me that immediately bristled me. My reaction to her words ended with me saying, "That's insulting. I can't believe you think of me that way." What she said hurt me. If it were not for the fact we had already arrived in the parking lot at work, we would have no doubt ridden the rest of the way in silence.
As it was, we exited the car. She said, "Paul? I'm sorry."
I offered a feeble, "It's okay."
We walked to our respective work stations, and soon, work had me forgetting what had transpired.
Not more than an hour later, I received an email from Stella. It was so much more than an apology. In it, she mentioned how the tone of my voice and the look on my face told her how much she hurt me. She explained her thinking and what drove her to say what she said, and assured me how much she loved me. But the line from her email that struck the loveliest chord was easily this:
"Please believe that I do love you very much and respect you deeply."
Her email touched me, and I told her so. Later at lunch, I made sure that she knew how much I appreciated her sharing her opinion. I reminded her that at the very beginning of our relationship, one of my ground rules, yes, that's the exact phrasing I used at the time, was that we always be honest with each other. Today, I qualified that rule by saying it includes even honesty that might hurt. I told her that although I didn't agree with her assessment of me, that didn't mean that she wasn't right. I told her that what she said was special, because it wasn't vicious, and it wasn't meant to tear me down. It was offered in a spirit of love, and I'm sure it was meant for my edification.
She told me that in her last relationship, she pretty much cowered when it came to sharing opinions that she knew would be met with resistance. She avoided confrontation at all costs. I hope I helped her understand that despite my earlier reaction, she should always be comfortable sharing how she feels with me, her soulmate.
Fearing to share with your lover how you feel is born from insecurity, pure and simple. There's no room for it in a healthy relationship. I promised Stella that each time we have a disagreement, it would always end in a calm discussion, and a kiss. That's not to say we will always end up seeing eye to eye. That is to say, however, we won't feed each other's insecurities by sulking and retreating to our respective corners in a spirit of bitterness and divisiveness.
Peace.
Janet Jackson
Refugee
Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have
Kicked you around some.
Tell me why you wanna lay there,
Revel in your abandon?
Honey, it don't make no difference to me;
Baby, everybody's had to fight to be free.
See, you don't have to live like a refugee.
(Don't have to live like a refugee)
No baby, you don't have to live like a refugee...
When I get depressed, I really get depressed. I've been known to just shut myself up in my room, turn off my phone and ignore the world. That's how I started out 2009. Actually I had to work that whole weekend; Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but Monday, I didnt want to see anybody, or talk to anybody. I didnt want to answer any texts but I did out of sheer politeness. I went downstairs a couple of times for sustenance, but I was hating myself that day. And like Janet said, When you hate you, you hate everyone that day.
I wont go into details here, but lets just say I had a reason to be pissed off at myself. So like I said, I stayed in my room, didnt shower, didnt get dressed, and stayed covered up. I wouldve stayed there til the next morning were it not for my persistent friend coming home from work and demanding that I come downstairs for our weekly meeting. I was still pretty much depressed and didnt say much although everyone tried to cheer me up. It worked a little bit, but all my friends who were there just kind of reminded me why I was upset in the first place. So I was pretty much still in my little funk.
So after everyone left, I went back upstairs, feeling worse than before. And to top it off, I was sick too. So I had a miserable night, and a miserable workday the next day, which was yesterday.
But this morning, I woke up and remembered something from a book I read. This author wrote about his own experiences with depression. He said, While I might sit for hours or even days trying to think of what my next move will be; while I may even cry when I have to confront uncomfortable situations, I dont let them consume me to the point of no return. I dont let things take over.So I crawl out of the hole, wounded perhaps, yet resolute.
Resolute. A fitting descriptor for this time of year. Ive figured out that resolutions come from the inside, and theyre really not that difficult to keep, if they are realistic. People who resolve to change themselves, whether those changes are physical or psychological, can make those changes in a day. If you decide to make a physical change in yourself, you can do it as early as breakfast. Mental changes can be made at the very idea of the change.
So Ive decided that I want to make that change, as that other Jackson sibling proposes. Ive gotten into the habit of being disrespectful to my friends and family, even the closest ones, all in the spirit of fun; or so I thought. Ive realized that this is not me, that I only do it to fit in. I can be funny without being disrespectful, especially to women. So thats my psychological change for 2009.
My physical change is a biggie. Im 44 years old, so I resolve to stop drinking alcohol. Ive convinced myself that drinking is necessary in social situations, when nothing can be further from the truth. Overindulgence to me is weakness, and Ive been weak for far too many years. My friends may greet this resolution of mine with a snarky yeah, right, but I hope theyll be supportive and respectful of my choice. I also hope they wont come down on me too hard if my resolve is stronger than my will; which I doubt is the case.
Its very important to me that my friends dont act any differently around me just because Ive decided to act more like the man I think Im supposed to be. My resolve is my personal project, and I dont think anyone has the right to make me feel like Im bringing them down just because Im not the same Paul that I was in 2008.
I plan to remain the social butterfly that Ive always been, and I refuse to live like a refugee in those social settings.
So lets all raise a glass and resolve to have fun and be successful in 2009 and beyond!
Peace.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Black or White
"Don't tell me you agree with me,
When I saw you kickin' dirt in my eye!"
In 1982, Tom Bradley, the Black Democratic candidate for Governor of California, ran against the White Republican candidate George Deukmejian. Polls up to the day before the election showed Bradley with a comfortable lead. Some early editions of various papers even had Bradley as the projected winner; but lo and behold, to the surprise of most Deukmejian staffers and the chagrin of all Bradley supporters, the Republican narrowly edged out the Democrat and won the Governor's seat.
From that situation was coined the phrase "Bradley effect," which is the phenomenon of White voters expressing support for a Black candidate to pollsters to try to hide any evidence of racism, but when in the booth, voting with their heart for the White candidate.
That phrase is now being floated around with regard to the current race for President of the United States of America. Most polls show Barack Obama with a lead over John McCain, but experts warn that the polls are totally misleading because of the Bradley effect.
Michelle Obama tried to dispel the notion of this so-called Bradley effect, intimating to Larry King that if it really existed, then her husband would not have been named the Democratic nominee.
She could not be more nave, that is, if she really believed that. But I know she's being politically correct. She cannot avow that she and Barack are worried about this phenomenon, because White privilege does not allow her to express such concern without appearing bigoted.
The Bradley effect is a real concern, because there doesn't seem to be any ill intent attached to it. Some psychologists have suggested that we're all wired to some extent to exhibit varying forms of racism. So that's why the Obama campaign is so focused on getting as many folks registered to vote as possible, because both candidates need adherents who will vote with their hearts.
I suspect that there are some White voters pulling for Obama that don't even know they're going to vote for McCain. I can't claim to know what it feels like to be a White person in the voting booth, but if there is some unseen force that causes a White person to go against what he knows is right to side instead with the dictates of his race...then that is a real problem.
Now, it should be noted that there has got to be the exact phenomenon that happens among Black people. If you're Black, and you really feel that McCain is right for the country because of his experience in the Senate, his war record, his politics or his sensibilities; but you're voting for Obama because he's Black, then you have to reconcile your inner struggle as well. Especially if you're expressing your support outwardly for Obama, but internally you're like, 'I don't trust his limited experience.' Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?" So this voting with your heart is a treacherous and desperate move.
When we go to vote, if we're going to vote, that is, we must make sure that our heart is playing no part in the process. We have to make sure that we've examined the issues that are important to us, and that we choose the person who we think (an activity that is a primary function of the brain, not the heart) will exact real change, and would most effectively deal with those issues.
The question was posed to a Black man, "Are you voting for Obama because he's Black?" The Black man replied with the legitimate question, "Are you not voting for Obama because he's Black?" Race should never have been allowed to be a factor in this election, but that's like saying, ice cream should never be allowed to be a part of summer. It's there, always there, crouching at the entrance. It's too bad that it's got to be this way in this country, supposedly one of the most progressive countries in the world, but since race is a factor, we must deal with it. And by dealing with it, I mean fighting our own demons to make sure we're thinking and acting in our own and our families' best interests. And hopefully our thoughts and actions are correct.
We can't tell each other to squash our racist tendencies when each of us are laughing at the racist jokes our friends tell, or when each of us feels uncomfortable within a group opposite of our own race. We are each one of us an individual project, and we have to fix ourselves before we can hope to foster those fixes on the people we're closest to.
So when you're in that voting booth on November 4th, vote with your brain. I guess that's all I'm trying to say.
Peace.
Michael Jackson
Friends
"Friends;
How many of us have them?
Friends;
Ones we can depend on.
Friends;
How many of us have them?
Friends;
Before we go any further, let's be
Friends...
Is a word we use everyday.
Most the time we use it in the wrong way.
Now you can look the word up, again and again.
But the dictionary doesn't know the meaning of friends."
The following is an except from my book, Brotha2Brotha: Da View From a 'Brotha's' Perspective. Recent events made me think of this topic.
"...Love, Peace and Soul!"
Ive never found it difficult to make new friends, although sometimes the work involved in maintaining those friendships can be daunting to say the least.
And therein, we find a truism: the best friendships require little to no effort to maintain.
My two best friends, the guys I talk to virtually every day, are two people who constantly stay on my mind. I think about what theyre doing at the moment, and I call them just to hear their voices. I see a Chevelle with brand new rims and Im on the phone with one of them right away to laugh about it. I miss them when they leave, and my enthusiasm when I see them would make the casual observer think its been years since weve been together. And, most importantly, all the feelings and actions Ive described are mutual. Theres no mistaking that.
However, I have an extended set of friends who I love to be around, yet Im cautious of what I say and do around them. Why? Because theres been blow-ups over small things that turned into big things and I dont want to revisit those times. To call my friendships tenuous would be unfair, because they are all significant to me. But calling them fragile would not be such a stretch.
So, can someone around whom youre walking on eggshells really be considered a friend? I suppose that depends on your definition of a friend.
I went to the dictionary to look up the word friend. I perused the definitions, but what really stuck with me was the history of the very word:
Word History: A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amcus friend and am I love is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos friend and phile I love. In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frond, the Old English word for friend, was simply the present participle of the verb fron, to love. The Germanic root behind this verb is *fr-, which meant to like, love, be friendly to. Closely linked to these concepts is that of peace, and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, peaceful ruler, and Siegfried, victory peace. The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, day of Frigg, from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris dis, day of Venus.
Two concepts stand out for me as I look at the history of the word friend, and those are love and peace. It seems that those two ideas are intertwined in the realm of friendship. Now it would be unrealistic to think a true friendship would be devoid of disagreements; but it is expected that true friends resolve conflicts in a spirit of peace and love. I have that with two, possibly three people. I do not have that with the rest of my friends.
So, are the friends with whom I constantly bump heads my true friends? I think so. But those friendships are clearly not as strong as the ones I described in the beginning. The fragile friendships are the ones that need my attention to get to the same place as my more enduring friendships. The strong friendships I do have were born out of boyhood memories. They were born from a time when we had only a thin concept of what it meant to be a friend, and apparently that was all we needed.
The other friendships were born from adulthood, and had the unfair disadvantage of being subject to comparison of what I already had. Its like the inevitable comparisons that a second marriage mate, or a step-parent would be subject to.
My more fragile friendships can get to the point of my stronger ones, I know. They just need the love and care that Ive given to my more enduring friendships which seem to come so effortlessly.
In any event, Im blessed to have all my friends, and I deem them all worth keeping.
Peace.
Whodini
Can you feel it?
All the colors of the world should be
Lovin each other wholeheartedly.
Yes, its all right!
Take my message to your brother
And tell him twice.
Spread the word and try to teach the man
Whos hating his brother,
When hate wont do.
Cause were all the same;
Yes the blood inside of me is inside of you.
You guys know how I like to take a song lyric and apply it to my posts here. There is no better lyric than the one above to capture what my cousin and I have accomplished.
Wait for it
Wait
Ready?
WE ARE PUBLISHED AUTHORS!
Brotha2Brotha: Da View From a Brothas Perspective, by Miguel A. Bryant and Paul B. Bellamy is available for purchase right here!
We are so excited for what this means. We dont really expect this book to be the next Chicken Soup or Men/Mars Women/Venus. But what we do know is this book will survive us. This thing that weve written is our eternally lasting testament. Long after the two of us are gone, what weve created will be here. One hundred years from now, in 2108, someone will be able to pick up this book and know what we were thinking way back in 2007. And that someone will most likely be our own progeny! That thought to me is both thrilling and humbling.
There are so many people to thank regarding this endeavor. Im sure Miguel would join me in thanking the men and women at PublishAmerica. They were so supportive, easy to work with and generous in praising what they called our unique voice. Personally, I have a few people Id like to thank. Phons., Dodi (Dorianrae), Nikki and Kathy were a few of our staunchest supporters. Everyone who offered kind words and criticisms are equally appreciated. It is the feedback we received that enabled us to understand what an incredible impact our wordsthe words of two ordinary guyshad on folks from all different backgrounds.
God, it sounds like Im bragging. I am. There are very few events in my life that rival the euphoric high Im feeling right now. The birth of my son remains in the top spot. These two events to me seem to be things worth bragging about.
We look forward to what you guys have to say about our book. Theres some stuff in there that will make you pump your fist and go woo hoo! And theres some stuff in there that will make you hang your head and groan. Theres things thatll make you laugh, and most certainly make you think. Youll go way to go! and WTF? You might thank us, and you might curse us.
But mostly, what we want you to do, is look for your own voice. Miguel and I decided with this project to stop standing on the sidelines and put ourselves out there. We decided not to be fearful of stating our OPINIONS, however radical, or however benign. Young and old alike, be brave, be loud, be heard, but be gracious. Be community leaders and organizers, no matter how much disdain Sarah Palin may heap upon your efforts.
See, right there. I aint scared, and this book proves it.
Thanks a lot for your support. And thanks for your love.
Yes, I can feel it.
Brotha2Brotha: Da View From a Brothas Perspective
Peace.
The Jacksons
If your heart isn't in it
"Its a fragile situation.
It could fall apart at any time,
And none would be the wiser
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