Every 6 seconds someone turns 60. That also suggests that every 60 seconds, someones aging parent turned 80, 85, or more.
Theres a sea of us with aging parents who are presenting all manner of challenges for us Boomers. One of the most daunting is the necessity to interface with siblings. Maybe we never got along. Maybe weve been estranged for a few years. Whatever it is, we find ourselves having to make decisions we never considered making.
Does Mom or Dad have enough money to live on? What about paying for help at home? Who is going to be the caregiver when an aging parent requires our involvement? There are disagreements about who makes the financial decisions. There are disagreements about what kind of care a parent needs and how it should be paid for.
We at AgingParents.com are advocates for the family meeting. We think its a great place to start the process of ironing out the difficulties with siblings who in one way or another share the role of addressing aging parents needs. Part of our work is to conduct family meetings.
Consider these alternatives:
If you and your siblings dont do well face-to-face, try email as a start. Keep it objective and dont personalize anything with a sibling who has never stepped up in the past. Test the waters.
If the siblings can meet by phone, thats even better. It allows for exchange of ideas and efforts at problem-solving that cant be done as well by email.
The best way to get everyone on board is the in-person family meeting, which can be done after any family occasion, or before, if all are willing to plan for setting the time aside. If you shudder at this thought, heres a quick way to learn techniques to stay sane through any family meeting.
You can download in a few minutes a 39 page instruction manual, How to Handle Family Conflicts About Elders. You can also get it in print. Find it here: http://agingparents.com/products/information/364-how-to-handle-family-conflicts-about-elders
When youve got more confidence about this subject of dealing with your siblings, it will be easier to show some leadership in your family. Whether you parent is turning 80, 90 or beyond, youll know what to do.
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., elder law attorney, mediator, AgingParents.com
Imagine this: two sons agreed to keep Dads inheritance in the bank for safekeeping. Hes a disabled vet. He has trouble handling money and trusts his adult sons to help him, and watch over the funds. Sons promptly spend whatever they want, select a neighbors dad as their financial adviser to invest the rest of the money, and no surprise, its all soon gone.
Dad is now living in poverty. Sons are going to school, or working, having a good time and seem to be entirely disinterested in their fathers fate.
Is this about greed? Of course. Is it about a sense of entitlement by the sons to do whatever they wanted with Dads money? Yep. What have we come to when we think of a parent as a throwaway person who does not deserve our concern and care? The sons seemed to have no idea of a duty to their father to be sure he would not struggle in poverty.
This situation is real. The Dad called us at AgingParents.com in hope of mediating the case with his sons. Our jobs as mediators are to remain neutral, to suggest solutions, to help the parties work out a plan to resolve the conflict. Dad wanted the sons to pay him back for what they had taken, buying new cars, traveling and having a grand old time. They didnt have his permission to deplete the funds.
The sons did not care to really participate in problem- solving with their Dad. They met, but would not offer any cooperation with trying to fix the situation. Dad didnt want to sue them and he generally gave up. It was quite sad. The best we could do was to get them all to agree to keep talking and to work on re-establishing their relationships.
This is an example of financial elder abuse. It came about as a result of many factors. First, Dad made a dumb decision to just give all the money to his sons, in their early 20s. What was he expecting? Neither had proven themselves to be particularly skilled or wise about handling money, much less Dads money. He might have put it in a trust and had a qualified trustee manage it for him. Yes, it would have cost fees to do that but the trustee has a legal duty to do what is right for the person who owns the trust.
Another factor in the financial abuse was the opportunity it gave the sons, who obviously did not understand that the funds werent for their own enjoyment. Communication was either lacking or poor. Nothing was ever put in writing.
A third factor was that the sons chose an unqualified advisor to invest the money for them. They knew him but did not educate themselves about his qualifications nor his track record. He made very poor choices and lost the remaining money on bad investments. Dad would have been better off with a conservative investment in bonds or other low-risk choice. An experienced and qualified financial adviser is a must when a large sum of money is at stake for any elder.
We think this is a somewhat unusual situation. Yes there will always be greedy kids. However, we see many honorable, loving, trustworthy adult children stepping up to do the right thing with an aging parents money. We encourage, acknowledge, and applaud those adult children. For many of us in the caregiver role, handling an aging parents funds is one of the caregivers jobs. If you are spending your hours at night or on weekends watching over your aging parents accounting, paying bills, minding the books,, we respect what youre doing. The time it takes, the attention you give it is an act of caring. You are truly honoring your loved ones and are making the world a better place.
Mom has dementia and her daughter, Jennie, is worried. Mom clearly should not be driving anymore.
Jennie finally just took the keys away. Have they talked about it? No. Argued some, maybe. But talking starts out with anger and ends up worse than ever.
Jennie saw the dents in Moms car and asked about what happened. Mom refused to discuss it. First of all, she doesnt exactly remember. But shes embarrassed. She had a perfect driving record. Not even a parking ticket. Now this. Something is happening to her memory and keeping track of things. She doesnt want anyone to find out. It feels horrible to Mom. What if they put her away?
Jennie threatens to stop Mom from doing something stupid. Mom wants Jennie to butt out. How dare she tell her own Mother what to do? Can this be solved?
This scenario is real. Its also not uncommon. The problem of how to approach a person who may have a vague idea of something wrong with their memory but wont admit it is affecting thousands of families every day. Driving is one area where memory problems can affect lives and can put the public, as well as an aging parent in danger.
Consider the concept of mediation of a family dispute about an aging parents driving.
Mediation is a way of resolving disputes of all kinds. Were quick to say use mediation for a labor dispute, or between warring countries to bring about peace. But, we usually dont think of it for situations like Jennie and her Mom. However, it can bring hope when conversations and arguing end up in a standoff and anger is destroying family relationships. There is a way to resolve even the stickiest family issues.
Think of mediation as a way to get an outside, skilled person trained in resolving conflicts to come to your aid. Think of it as a way to end the fighting, and to work out solutions with help and guidance. Sometimes a few simple suggestions youve never thought about can turn the tide of a family conflict. People who do this are called elder mediators or even family mediators. The process is elder mediation. People come to their own resolution with the help of a mediator.
You can find one by doing a search in your area for mediators who work with elders and their families. There is normally a fee, though some community mediation services provide mediation at low cost or free. If your family is suffering over a driving issue, or any other elder-related issue, think of mediation. It may be the way out youre looking for.
To learn more about adult children and dangerous older drivers, see my article in Forbes.com.
To download a short book with step-by-step guidance on how to deal with your aging parents driving, try How to Handle a Dangerous Older Driver .
By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, nurse-attorney, mediator
We recently mediated a case involving a 70-something man and a 20-something woman who had been living in the same house. The relationship had boiled into a lawsuit. It was not a sexual relationship; rather, it was two people who were probably using each to deal with the pain in their own lonely lives. It ended badly and elder financial abuse was alleged. There were two lawyers, both trying to do right by their clients. Lots of bitter feelings were expressed. After a long day of negotiations at AgingParents.com, we were able to provide a solution, with the mediators shuttling back and forth between the parties and their lawyers. The mediator’s creative suggestion to trade a car and money to make it go away worked.
We observed that this was a lawsuit that should never have happened. Neither party was free of blame. The most compelling thing to me was how loneliness drove them both to be in an unhealthy relationship together that ended up a mess. Can’t we do better than that? Addressing loneliness is doable without damaging yourself.
In an earlier post on this blog, we show you a video of my mother-in-law, Alice, who is 88 years old. She’s a widow who had a wonderful 62 years of marriage. She wanted to die too when she lost her husband, the pain of loss was so great. She managed to find reasons to live, her family among those reasons. Loneliness is always a problem, but she has learned to fight it.
We’re pretty proud of Alice. She’s a survivor. She takes field trips offered at her retirement community. Today they’re at a golf tournament. She goes out to dinner with a group after the meetings of her “bereavement group”, comprised of others who have lost a spouse or partner. She listens to audiobooks on her iPod. She goes on vacation with us. She even went out to dinner by herself for the first time ever and it was okay. She takes herself to the movies. She goes to the gym. She takes a current events class. We’re so grateful that she’s able to get around on her own, and she makes the most of it. “I count my blessings every day”, she says. Now there’s a guy in the picture.
She’s not crazy about him, but he’s company for some things. Hey, the guy drives at night and she doesn’t. All in all, we know Alice won’t do anything stupid like the poor fellow in the lawsuit whose case we mediated. We’re involved. We watch out for her. My husband calls his Mom every evening, to check in. It’s that kind of caring that makes the world a better place.
If your aging parent is widowed, they need you. Yes, even if they weren’t the best parent possible, or even if you don’t love their company. Taking the time to call your aging parent, every day, even for a few minutes, is a pretty easy way to stay connected, safeguard against the feeling of isolation that can come with widowhood, and to do the right thing.
As for Alice, she’s already planning her next vacation. Wouldn’t you love to be like that at age 88?
Money seems to lead the way when we look at the various things that are the source of conflict for elders and their families. While the elder is in declining health, the family may be fighting about who is in charge of the financial decisions. After the elder passes away, the courts see a never-ending stream of heirs fighting over the estate.
Mediation at any stage can help keep things from boiling over. Because relatively few people understand how mediation of a conflict can help people involved in everyday disputes, the American Bar Association sponsored a contest to encourage members to make brief videos illustrating this. At AgingParents.com, we entered the contest by producing a video on a typical dispute about an aging parent, and won honorable mention. Heres the link to our video on elder mediation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFwLjUFaUQs
What the video illustrates is how a brother and sister are arguing about Dads care and what should be done for him. Threats are made, and theyre stuck in their opposite views. Of course, in our video they do work things out.
What we often see in dealing with elder related disputed is friction over who has the power to make financial decisions when the aging parent loses the ability to do so. We cant emphasize enough how the basic document, a durable power of attorney, along with other basic planning, can avert some of these hassles altogether.
If you are over the age of 50 and your aging parent is over the age of 70, its time to do your durable power of attorney. While the language of the form document varies from state to state, the basic function is the same: an aging parent has named someone else, often a spouse or adult child, to take over the financial decision-making if the aging parent loses the capacity to make these decisions.
You can likely get the form for free in your state. We offer it free to anyone who visits AgingParents.com in California and asks for it. One thing to know is that it has to be specific about the powers it gives the the person appointed (agent) to take over when needed. And, it has to be notarized. If you dont have one, please get moving!
Here at AgingParents.com, we see a lot of problems involving families of aging parents and their adult children. Often, the daughter or daughter-in-law is the one asking for help. Daughters-in-law sometimes tell us that they feel that they must walk on eggshells. Their spouses may not have a good relationship with mom or dad. They are the conduits for help and good communication. It is sometimes surprising to see how a daughter-in-law, and sometimes a son-in-law has a better relationship with the aging parent than their spouse does.
Maybe the complexity of relating to parent is less for those who came to the relationship with the elder later in their lives. Maybe the in-law adult child has fewer issues, more courage, and possibly, feels there is less to lose by speaking out. Sometimes sons have trouble taking charge of Mom. They have resistance to dealing with the fact that Moms competency is failing. Whatever the reason, we have the deepest regard for those dutiful, respectful daughters-in-law (or sons) when we meet them. They are true peacemakers.
We think the daughter or son-in laws voice does, indeed count. Often as not, they are the ones who want to get a conflict out in the open and to work on it. We have yet to see a son coming to AgingParents.com for help with conflict resolution, a service we offer families. Its always been the daughter, or daughter-in-law.
For those out there who are in that role, keep reaching out, keep being the voice of reason, keep looking for ways to solve the familys difficulty when your spouse cant seem to get off the dime. Your mother/father-in-law is lucky to have you.
When 3 sisters are in conflict about how to take care of Dad, is there any way to stop the fighting? One shares power over finances with Dad. Dad is making some pretty crazy decisions lately. Hes 88, partially blind, lives alone, has memory loss, gets lost on his way home, and oh, yes, he still has a drivers license. Is anyone in charge here??
Working with families can be a challenge, especially when siblings dont trust each other. A conversation tends to deteriorate into ancient family history about who said what 40 years ago. They will take each other on and forget the problem at hand: Dad!
Aging parents can be hard for anyone, particularly when the elder wont give up control of anything. Dad says, Im ready for help, but no, on second thought, Im not. Lets go ahead and sell the house, but, wait, Ive changed my mind. I think Ill live with my daughter, but no, I dont want to. I do have some memory problems, but theres really no problem. Sound familiar?
Families can get very bogged down in the question of how to handle the elder who needs help but isnt ready to accept it. Perhaps adult children themselves are having trouble facing how much help Dad needs and are making excuses for the danger signs they see. They react to each other, get polarized against each other and forget that they have a common goal: to help their aging parent stay safe at home, or wherever is best.
A mediator can do much to help them get back on track. A series of family meetings by conference call with an elder mediator can work quite well to focus the family members on the most important tasks. A mediator can sometimes be a referee, breaking up the argument, and refocusing attention on how to solve a problem. A mediator can keep order, let everyone be heard, and repeat any agreements that are made so everyone understands them.
If this hassle were describing sounds like someone you know, consider mediation. It is an efficient way to reduce conflict among family members, and is a whole lot cheaper than hiring lawyers and having siblings suing each other.
We all want to believe that we can handle the problems in our own families without any outside help. Getting a professional mediator into the mix might feel embarrassing to some. Others will complain that its too expensive. But consider the cost of any lawsuit: thousands and thousands of dollars just to get rolling.
Lawyers representing you for an hourly fee will be very happy to keep doing work and keep getting paid. Most litigators are not trained to resolve conflicts as they arise; theyre trained to be your vigorous advocates. No matter how you look at it, mediation is cheaper than any lawsuit. And its way less stressful, too.
