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Dear You - LiveJournal.com
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All The Things I Kept Inside
Dear Kyle,
Honestly, starting this letter, I want to puke. They way you treated me when we dated was horrible. Your mind is completely f**ked up. Who wants to go days and days without talking to their girlfriend? Do you know how shitty that feels? Men in the military HATE that they can't see their women and can talk to them rarely. They would frown upon you. You remember that time you told me you loved me then told me it was all a lie? I stuck with you when I shouldn't have. I was always wrong and you were just perfect and know how to handle anything.
I remember on our three month anniversary when you told me you had a crush on Stephanie at work. I remember every time you hit on a girl right in front of my face. I remember every time you got upset at me over the silliest things then played it off like it was something I did. I remember EVERY SINGLE TIME you told me you didn't want me, then I always came back. I remember how mean you were to me and when you pushed me around the first time.
I know you broke up with me for Christina. You know what Kyle, you're worth nothing. It's time for me to be happy and to be free of you.
You used to use your fake brain damage as an excuse for treating me horribly; yet you were unhappy in the relationship? Really? You say you couldn't handle that I didn't trust you? How should I when you're all about every other girl except me.
I thought I wouldn't make it without you. You thought I'd be broken. I thought I wouldn't find someone like you. I'm making it without you. I'm not broken. I don't want to find someone like you, I want and deserve better. This letter is all about closure.
Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for putting me down. Thank you for never being on my side. Thank you for using me. Thank you for lying to me every day. Thank you for accusing me of being too in your face when I was trying to make us work. Thank you for breaking my wall down then tearing me to pieces. Thank you for making me cold hearted. THANK YOU FOR TAKING MY VIRGINITY WHEN I MEANT NOTHING TO YOU. Thank you for making me stronger. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I have nothing left to say. There's nothing left to try. I just want to be free; free of you. You said we can just be friends but when I tell you I have cancer you shrug it off and say, "oh well". I really hope something aweful happens to you.
I was sad and upset and missing you. Now I'm angry as hell. I don't miss you, I'm just angry. I am so glad I finally made it to this point of getting over you. I'm glad I'm talking to other guys now. One day you're not going to be able to walk into the store without seeing my face on the cover of every magazine.
Never thought I'd actually post on here...
Dear Jessica,
I didn't keep the promise that I made months after you died. I just need another chance.
Love, M.
Dear Oogie,
You have every right to be upset/pissed at me over that accident, and the fact that I didn't have the guts to tell you right when it happened but rather let you find out for yourself. However, that most certainly does NOT give you the right to insinuate that it was anything other than an accident--or furthermore insinuate that I knew about the other damage (I most sure as shit did NOT know until you discovered it) and was trying to distract you/keep you from going to look at it. It hurt like hell that when we had a moment to just the two of us, without anyone else around for the first time in nearly a year and a half you went straight to that. I know that it means a lot to you, especially considering who gave it to you, but that doesn't make it sting any less that you made a beeline for it as opposed to me. And that comment you made in our phone call last night--"Whether or not this weekend happens depends on that [getting fixed]" was more than a little f**ked-up. I know you're quite distraught over the damage--as am I; I already felt like a massive pile of shit about it without you making me feel like a massive pile of shit AND a half-inch tall, reduced to tears.
I know that you needed to get that off of your chest, but there's a thin line between being brutally honest and just being a cruel d******d...and I'm sorry baby, but you crossed that line by a good bit. I don't appreciate the love of my life insinuating that I'm a liar, and I SURE AS SHIT don't appreciate you insinuating that I intentionally damaged it. IT WAS A f**kING ACCIDENT. I do realize that the fact that I didn't tell you right away does not help my case much if at all--I was scared shitless to tell you. YES, even knowing that you prefer honesty no matter how brutal. Why? Because, as I've said, I know exactly how much that means to you. Good intent ended up biting me square on the arse like I should have known it would. And your comment that "[you] leave it in [my] hands..." wtf?! Do you seriously think that I'm not going to try to fix it?!?
Not to mention that your comment that "Saying sorry doesn't fix [it]"...no shit Sherlock. Just like you saying "I'm sorry" at the end of the conversation doesn't fix the fact that I damn near cried myself to sleep last night--and am honest-to-the-Gods on the verge of tears just thinking about that conversation!!!
Don't think for a moment that I don't see/understand why you have such a deep mistrust and suspicion of the intentions of others...hell, between your "See You Next Tuesday" mother and your even bigger "See You Next Tuesday" ex-wife as well as the time you've spent in prison, I do see exactly why you're so damned and determined to see the worst in people over the smallest damn mistake. I do recall in a letter of yours from awhile back that you'd said that your counselor had said perhaps you should seek therapy to resolve the issues your mother caused, and that you didn't want mistrust and suspicion to end up damaging/destroying another relationship in your life. Like I said in my letter in response to that one, therapy would probably be a really f**king good idea.
Honestly, if I didn't know better it almost feels as though you're trying to push me away sometimes...I know that you've got a lot of shit on your plate right now, but guess what, baby? SO DO I--WE have a lot of shit on our plate. I know that you're used to having to do shit on your own--as am I. But for the love of the gods, I'm not the only one who has to break free of the "I/me/mine/my" mode of thinking...so do you. Yes, we were able to cover the cost of your meds without breaking our bank account, it is our apartment, our couch, our car (and you have no idea how hard it was on me to stop referring to it as "my car" and start referring to it as "our car"--mainly because I bought and paid it off well before I met you or the person we met through).
Baby, I love you so much...and I really feel awful (to put it mildly) that my f**king clumsiness caused damage to one of your most prized possessions. And contrary to what you have in your mind, yes, it CAN be fixed, and without having to resort to getting a replacement part that doesn't look half as nice as the original damaged component. (Thank the Gods for the Internet) Also, I can fix it for less than HALF the cost of what it would be to buy a replacement part that might not even f**king fit on there. Will it be a 100% perfect repair? Well, no. I'm not a f**king miracle worker. But the point is, it CAN and WILL be fixed, CAN and WILL be made functional again.
...I'm sorry that I probably sound so damn angry, but what you said last night hurt like hell--not just because of what you said, but because you mean the world to me. We've been through too much shit together for you to turn into a d******d over what was an honest-to-the-Gods accident. For the love of everything, quit overanalyzing shit in your head (Occam's razor, anyone?) and learn to let go of things...not just for the sake of us, but for the sake of you not ever ending up in f**king prison again (or worse). As I told you before, I'm only human...I'm far from perfect, and I do tend to f**k up sometimes. I forgive you for your f**k ups; kindly return the favor and forgive me for mine.
Love Always,
Alex
Dear You,
I do appreciate that you held out the offer for me to talk with you about what was bugging me. It was a sweet gesture, but I don't generally hold counsel with those nearly eight years younger than me. Hell, I hardly hold counsel with anyone (the rare exceptions being my mom and a few very close friends). It really isn't anything personal...but this is just something I'm going to have to handle on my own. Not to mention eighteen-year-olds aren't generally the world's best source of good advice when it comes to relationship matters...
--Alex
Dear You,
I know how insecure you are when you wear your glasses.
On the contrary, I find them absolutely adorable and really quite sexy. (Of course, I couldn't actually tell you this today, but I hope you got the gist).
I wish you knew. I wish you knew everything.
(I have a feeling that you actually do.)
All my love x
Dear anybody,
I woke up to another fit of unpleasant dreams and I decided that it was time to write. Time to vent.
I think the number one thing that people take for granted is their health. They think they can do whatever to their body and it will recover and they will just go on like always. It's only when something compromises their health that they realize how important it really is. That is certainly how I treated it at least. Now I miss nothing more than being healthy.
I miss having the energy to get out of bed and buy myself groceries. I miss having the ability to work and make money for myself. I miss being able to see my friends and join in on the fun. I miss being able to run. I miss social interaction. I miss being outside.
It's only been two weeks but I feel like I have already been sick forever and like I'll never actually be well again. I missed out on what have should have been the best times of my life because of this stupid illness. Working cinco, seeing Portugal. The Man, through my grad party and graduation, all my friend's parties and the first days of summer freedom. I got to celebrate for one night and it happened to be cold and made me sick as ever.
I wanna b***h and complain about how unfair it is that I have gotten this illness twice when you are only supposed to have it once. I want to ponder why it had to happen now, when I was hoping to finally feel excited and happy again after a semester/year of so much unhappiness and stress. But then I just feel like a child crying about a cold. There are much worse things that I could be going through. There are much worse things in this world. I can't sit here and cry about it. I just need to get through it. I need to do the best with what I have right now. I need to take care of myself. I need to make healthy meals for myself. I need to fill my brain with knowledge rather than sitting and wallowing.
I'm hoping I'll have the energy to make it to the grocery store tomorrow and pick up healthy food. I'm hoping it will be warm so I can sit outside and read with the sun on my skin and a breeze in my hair.
Here's to hoping.
-Sick girl
I watch you float away from me in photographs, memories like spies, and salt betrays my eyes again
Dear you;;
These conversations I have with you in my head make me feel retarded, but I can't help it. If you were still alive, I'd call you up on the phone and we'd have talks of god and injustice and how sometimes life isn't fair. But you're not alive and the number remains unused on my speed dial... Four years and almost three months to the day, and I still can't bring myself to remove that number from my contacts, still can't make myself delete it because in a way, it feels like I'm deleting you. I know I don't visit your grave like I should, and I know I was the only one to not show up at your funeral (earning scorn because as "the baby and favorite, I should have been there, don't I have any respect?"), but I know you understand. You know that out of the 28, I was the one who watched you waste away for five years, I was the one who missed school and sleep and my life I should have had in high school to make sure you'd take your medicines, to talk to you when your disease hit home and you thought I was five again and missing. I was the one who sacrificed more than anyone, and I didn't want my last memory of you to be in that coffin, looking peaceful after five years of hell. Maybe I'm selfish. I wanted to remember you as you were the last day I saw you, the day before you went into your coma. You were you, the old you, and you knew me. I still replay that last conversation in my head, and I still think about all the things I could have said, should have said. But looking at back at those five years, I regret nothing. And everyday when I think about it, because I always think about you, your last words a constant repeat in my head, I'd take those five years of missing school, friends, life in general, and I'd put them on repeat, not your pain and suffering, but the times I got to visit you and talk to you and know that if I dialed your number at anytime, you'd be here for me. Because in the four that you've been gone, it's been hell. I wish you were here. I wish I could hear you talk, hum, wish we could sit out on the porch like we used to in the summertime and people watch. I miss my best friend. More than anyone can possibly imagine. So I'm stuck here, having conversations in my head with you when I need advice, and this isn't healthy, but it's all I've got. And maybe, it's just gonna have to do til we meet up again on the otherside of things. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but I sure hope there's a special place for you. You were too good of a person to deserve to just be a body six feet under the ground, a feast for the worms in your Sunday best. Thanks for being there even when you can't be, and thanks for being that little voice of reason in my head when all else fails and the world is out of line. Thanks for everything, really. I love you,
Your youngest granddaughter Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Dear Friend of Boyfriend,
I'm really sorry for your loss. First your father dies of a sudden, massive heart attack just a few days before Valentine's Day 2011, and just a few months after the one year anniversary of his passing, I read on Facebook that your grandmother has died. :-/ I'm sorry. I have given Boyfriend this news, and he has said that he will call you, which I hope he does at some point today.
- Me
Dear American,
So you decide to just drop in and then drop out of my life again? That's really not very nice. Now that I think about it, I was stupid to respond to that email. What, did you decide you didn't want to talk to me because I have a boyfriend? You were lonely and wanted someone to give you attention. Like an ass I did. And now I'm the one who has to let go of you AGAIN. You have NO IDEA how much you mess me up. Every single time. So now I've told you to stay away. I have a beautiful boyfriend who loves me very much. Who is doing his best to work through all my crap and make this relationship something healthy and good for the both of us. The last thing I need is to remember how I feel about you. I don't need those reminders. I don't need to put him through this. Especially because all you've done is proved that any hope I had for us is completely unfounded and misdirected. You will never love me again. And despite all of this, God I'm still so desperate to talk to you. A huge piece of me wishes beyond all hope that you'll email me back, tell me that you want to be in my life... somehow. Tell me that you know, just like I do, that we were destined to be together. That our love at first site meeting was not just by chance. That we weren't just a moment. We are a lifetime. But, everything that's rational in me knows that will never happen. You will ignore what I've said, write it off as some childish thing and probably delete it. So be it. I'm so done with playing yo-yo for you. No more. I will make a beautiful life with my boyfriend. And one day when I'm old, I will laugh at how stupid I was to think that some boy in another country would ever be able to give me a better life than my gorgeous boy.
Still way too much love,
Aussie.
Dear you,
I saw you in the store yesterday. It took everything I had in me not to storm over to you and punch you in the face. I actually regret not doing so. How could you drive eight hours to get here so you could spend mother's day with your wife's parents and visit your daughter but you couldn't even stop for five seconds and tell your own mother happy mother's day? Do you know what she has been through? Look, I get you two have never been really close, but that's no reason to break her heart like this.
Make no mistake. This is your loss. I guess in the end it all works out because we do not need nor do we want you or your f**king wife in our lives. You are a hypocritical, racist, immoral, white trash a*****e and your wife is just a straight up f**king b***h. We may share the same bloodline but like hell will I ever acknowledge you as family ever again. Good riddance. I hope you do better with your kids (which I already see you aren't).
Sincerely,
Your ex-sister.
Dear You
I don't know what I am to you anymore.... I care deeply for our friendship but all you do is shun and ignore everything I do for you, like it doesn't even matter.
I feel like I should detach myself from you so I don't have to get hurt anymore because I am getting sick of being upset by your uncaring behaviour.
You clearly give far more attention to those other people, even when you're with me you never put your phone down from messaging them. And I bet when you're with them you never touch your phone to message any other person.... I think you're not treating me right as a friend at all, and if you actually do forget about me once you've moved out then I will definitely have to cut you off because I shouldn't be made to feel like this from a friend who should be treating you the same like I treat you.... you're such an ungrateful b***h....and you don't even see it and goes with it, expecting me to be okay with your ignorant attitude.
And I know that if I tell you all this (even in the nicest way possbile) you will get upset
and I've been hurting over and over again for the past year in case you didn't notice!
I wish I could ditch you right now but I happen to have that little piece of feeling called "caring" , something that you don't have enough of!
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
Never Thought I'd Be Speaking of YOU Again...
Dear Danny,
I find it absolutely hilarious that you were in my store yesterday. And YES, I recognized you--the double-take you did when you saw me is what gave you away, as was the triple-take you did when you heard me speak. I find it beyond hilarious that it didn't seem like you recognized me at first. But considering how many years ago it was when you last saw me, you can't honestly say you expected me to look the exact same...
I also find it quite funny that you rather quickly scuttled off upon confirming your suspicion (upon hearing me speak) that it really was me you saw. Yeah, I was with a customer when you walked by, but they were gone shortly after you scuttled off...I'm surprised that your curiosity didn't get the better of you and have you coming back to see where I was. Not that it would have done you much good; I would have just laughed in your face and asked you what the f**k you were doing in this town. Oh well.
--Alex
P.S. FFS, get a damn haircut. The mop-top look is soooo not cute on you...
Dear You,
We have never met...and now it looks like we never will meet...at least on this plane of existence. Oogie told me the news yesterday, and he is (understandably) completely torn up over what's happening to you, what your fate is all but certain to be. And while you may find it odd (seeing as we have never met) I'm fairly torn up over it as well--mainly because when Oogie's heart aches, so does mine but also because while few would deny that you have made some serious f**k-ups in your life, this is not how you deserve to go...and certainly not there...far from family and friends.
From what I heard from Oogie yesterday on the phone, I hear they're saying about three months. I can't help but get the nasty feeling it's going to be closer to three weeks than three months. I hope like hell I'm wrong...
Regardless, I do hope you are able to obtain some sort of peace with those who you have wronged before...you go. I do hope Oogie is able to forgive you...and that more importantly you are able to forgive yourself. I get the feeling your list of regrets will be long enough without failing to do such...
And even though we have never met (and now almost definitely never will), and there are so many reasons I could wish ill on you, I know it is futile to think ill on a dying man...just as I know it is rather futile to hold out hope for a miracle (especially considering where you are and the resultant sort of medical care you're getting...but I know I'm preaching to the choir there!). But I do hold hope that you are able to make amends where you can...and that when the end comes (and I do fear that it comes on swift wings for you) that it is not an end filled with pain...and that you're not left to face the end without someone by your side--even if it's just a nurse. Because I think it's safe to say that the chances of you being allowed to come home for the end so you can at least see your family one more time are remote at best. Compassion is not exactly the policy nor attitude of the institution you're in, after all...
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