A journal, I wouldNEVER write a jounal,

but that is what I am doing now isn't it?

It doesn't matter, I reject your reality and substitute my own (as usual).

Anyway, gotta fly, I am getting paid to draw, not write in a journal.

Cya

I was just thinking about my day, the way that it all seems to blend together, my daily ritual, construct the system, export it, render it, title it, go back and start agian, Ctrl+Home P La Plan2, it is just never any different, I seem to be caught in infinate recursion.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth atm, and I'm still not being payed to update a journal.

Cya

I am having problems with a person that I have to teach in the ways of our trade, he takes it all on board, takes notes on what I teach him, he has picked up what I am trying to teach him very well. BUT, he still makes me answer the same simple questions over and over, I for one, hate repeating myself, especially when the answer just is not all that deep. It annoys me that he just can't seem to think for himself in some of the simplest matters, especially when he is a very smart bloke and learns some of the most complex stuff in seconds.

Yesterday was an utter shocker.

I was at work for 10 hours and still really achieved nothing, I spent most of the day either jinning around running after people, answering phone calls, ordering paper, toner and other supplies, helping the manager to fix the network, all in all after 10 hours at work, I had done only a fraction of the work that I needed to do. Which means that I am probably going to get hammered bythe client today.

ThenI am having a rather large issue including my "good friends" Ihave tried to talk to most of them in the last week or so, but every time I do, I get afirm (but disguised) "f&%k off", generally in the form of, "got some stuff to do, ring you later", which of course they never do. For a long while I just wrote it off to them being unreliable, but it has happened too regularly for too ong to write it off as coincidence any longer, and the only person that actually does talk to meclaimed that they were too busy this weekend to do anything, yetthey have gone ahead and have descided tospend the weekend with some other people, perhaps there is another explaination, but the way that the rest of my friends are treating me, it still hurts. I am really getting sick of the s&%t that other people seem to revel in putting me through, what have I done todeserve it?

I am really beginning to feel unwanted, I feel as though even when talking to me or spending time with me, all the people around me really just want to be somewhere else with somebody else. My "friends" don't seem to understand, accept or value me. I just keep being taken for granted, my hard work, my effort just being pissed away by those who don't truly care. when I organise stuff, people continuously cancel at the last minute, often because they got a "better offer". I am UTTERLY SICK OF IT. I feel that no matter what I do, I can never do it well enough to please people, or when I do things well enough, I take too long to do them. I am stuck in a bind, in a game of catch 22 and I don't know how long I will put up with it.

Anybody that is interested in chess. If you have not already go to www.RedHotPawn.Com It is a very good online chess site. And if you want a fairly easy game, seek me out. My Username is funily enough Blademaster777. I wish you all skill, because luck runs out.

Just the result of a blogthing I just did, You've probably already seen it. But I think the result sums me up perfectly.

You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

Creed - Inside Us All.

When I'm all alone,

and noone else it here.

Waiting by the phone,

to remind me I'm still here.

When shadows paint the scen,

where spotlights used to fall.

And I'm left wondering,

is it really worth it all?

There's a peace inside us all.

Let it be your firend.

It will help you carry on,

in the end.

There's a peace inside us all.

Life can hold you down.

When you're not loking up.

Can't you hear the sound?

Hearts beating out loud.

Although the names change,

inside were all the same.

Why dont we tear town these walls?

and show the scars we're covering.

There's a peace.

There's a peace inside us all.

Let it be.

Oh, can't it be your firend.

---------------------------------

All life needs balance. Balance to live and thrive as it should. Even the slightest tip in this balance can have disasterous effects. Look at life itself, where even the smallest thing on it's own, slowly spirals downwards. Often such a small disturbance to the ballance of life could end life as we know it. The temperature rising, doesn't seem like a huge problem, untill you factor in the Ice caps, and then after that, where we will find a place to live. It's like a spinning top as it slowly looses speed, it begins to wobble as it leaves it point of balance.

Is the human soul the same way?

Hate balances Love, Joy balances Pain, Bliss balances Suffering. As in everything in life, the soul requires balance. I fear that I am losing my soul's balance. The way that I let negative emotions have so much sway over my life. I have begun to feel it, my very existance begining to wobble, like a spinning top, wobbling further and further, untill everyone else notices, until eventually the soul dies as the top falls over.

Am I on the path to the end? In most ways I hope not. I think I really need to make some changes in my life. To once again be able to feel happy about my place in this world, so that I don't become the empty shell that I am starting to feel like.

Life ain't so bad at the moment, I am beginning to work over my issues, my fears, my insecurities. I still worry very much about where my life and my relationships are going, but at least I am trying to kick the attitude that everyone wants me out of their life.

Finally ended up going to training last night, after missing the last two, for either not being focused enough to train to high standards, or just being too damn lazy. It was a pretty good training, helping the juniors practice for their gradings in just under a month. I am fairly confident that they are all going to pass fairly easily. I am a little bit sore, but that always happenswhen I trained the day before. The fact that I am going to be playing Indoor Cricket tonight is probably not going to help matters either, and my legs will probably dis-own me tomorow, but then again, I don't intend on doing much but sit down and play games tommorow somy legs complaining should not pose a problem.

I have finally gotten my life in order enough to start work on my first game as a personal project (I completed a game during Uni as the end of year assessment). I was going to do something fancey, a concept that (perhaps) hadn't been tried before, or if it had tried before had always failed. In the end I descided against that as If others can't do it, why should I think I could (as while I am a fairly good programmer, I am not brilliant in any sense of the word). So instread I am going to do a CloneUpdate of one of my favorite games 'MechWarrior 2' cloning that game, and putting in some element of my own and a few elements from the 'Mech' games that have follwed 'MW2' (i.e. 'MW Mercs', 'Mech Assault', 'Mech Assault 2'). All in all it is probably going to take me a number of years to get the game to the stage where I could even think about showing it to anyone, perhaps I will make some regular updates here in order to tell people where I am at.

I didn't get to do very much this weekend. I spent all of Saturday at Fantasy Lair (A comic/collectables shop in Beenleigh) playing some of my favorite hobbies (and getting hammered in every game) Between going 1& 2 in D&D Minis 0& 3 in L5R and then having a party twice as large as is actually manageable in D&D it was an enjoyable (though not very productive, nor very successful) day.

I spent most ofSunday either planning my game (trying to find a title for it) or playing Star Wars- Racer Revenge. It is not a bad game, though far too easy when I can finish the tournament with Anakin in under a day.

And that was about it for this weekend, and next weekend looks even worse, but we'lldeal with that when we get to it.

I got MechWarrior 2 from the manager this morning, so now I can begin really planning what it is that I am going to do.

I intend on publishing the basic story line as soon as I have it written.

If you could please reply to this post with your sugestions for names (i.e. Game Title) it would be much apreciated.

I am feeling utterly helpless. My dearest friend is having so much trouble and I don't know how to help them, I don't know what I can do. I feel so lost, so uttelry useless that I can't be of any help when my friends need me the most, it is probably the most rotten feeling that I have had for many years (2002 probably would have been the last time I have felt this bad)

Training was really good last night, with 4 people (me not being one of them) going for gradings in 2 weeks it really pushed me to try to better my own technique. It worked, oh damn it worked. I don't think I have ever felt the sword leave the saya so cleanly or so fast, it felt good, really good. My cuts were still somewhat ordinary, my tendancy to overexagerate the cut still being the major flaw in my technique. All in all it was a good end to an otherwise fairly bad day. I really love going to training, it loosens muscles that have been stressed out all week and gives me a way to escape the worries of this world (you try imagining that you are cutting all of your worries, your miseries to little itty-bitty pieces and see if you don't feel better about it (note: this also works imagining enemies being cut to little itty-bitty peices, but that is another story)), it gives my something to live for, to aim towards (i.e. the goal of actually deserving the name that I take).Unfortunatley we have been informed the the Grand Master of Hokushin Iaido will not be comming toAustralia this year as he is not well, this is somewhat unfortunate as I was hoping to do my next grading (3rd Kyu) in front of the Grand Master, but that will have to wat another year or 2.

Anyway, myappologies for boring you alltalking about Iaido.

My contact in our client company is on holidays for a couple of days, I have finished all of the work that he wants me to do and he's not around to give me more. YAHEY.

*does a stupid little dance*

*falls over*

*enough of that*

So Ihave 1 perhaps 2 stress free, deadline free day's commingYAHEY.

*does a stupid little dance*

*the rest is history*

Questions

What is it that they want from me?

I'm never really sure.

Do they want me in there life?

Or do they want me out the door?

Should I sit and wait and wonder?

Or act and pray I'm right.

Should I go through the door left open?

Or stay out here in the night?

What happened to the man I was?

To the warrior true born.

Should I stand and sieze this moment?

Or should I live my life forlorn?

My Lord

My Lord I need your guidance.

I truly need a helping hand,

I need to know what I can do,

To truly be your man.

I am little but a warrior,

And bushido guides my heart,

But I wish to know your will,

So thatI may do my part.

My life, My sword, My honor,

is pledgedeach and every day,

And forever shall I serve you,

In each and every way.

Individuality

Within the herd we stand,

Just one amid the crowd,

But noone is insignificant,

Be strong, Stand tall, Be Proud.

We all can make a difference,

We only need to try,

If noone made an effort,

We all would wonder why.

So live the life you're blessed with,

Live it each and every day,

And when you're old look back,

And be glad you found the way.

A few days ago I was inspired by a friend of mine (ThePoet). her blog contains so many wonderful, powerful poemsthat I descided that I would give it a go myself.

Following are my first three efforts, writen last night when I finally had the time to do something.

I would apreciate any feedback that yougive on the three of them.

And toThePoet, firstly thankyou, you have opened my eyes to a larger world and my applogies to being named as inspiration for such clumsy first efforts

Cheers

I was talking to a friend of mine (we graduated together from Qantm a couple of years ago from a course in games development) a couple of days ago (or it might have been yesterday). We were talking about what we have been doing the past few weeks (we catch up a lot over MSN Messenger), I told him that yesterday I had bought a new book and actually intended to read it. He asked what the book was and I told him it was "Inside Lightwave 8" by Dan Ablan, he asked me "dude, Isn't Lightwave a 3D moddleing program?" when I told him yes it was he nearly instantly relpied "Dude your crossing over, you're a programmer, not an artist, stay right where you are and I will go and get help" the only problem is that I think that he was truly serious.

For many years now I have said that "Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck". Really deep down, I believed that it was just meant to be a day brightener for someone who has just had some dream or another shattered, but perhaps it is not. Perhaps not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck after all.

I spent most of last night playing the brand new L5R (Legend of the FiveRings) RPG.

For the uninitiated, L5R is (primarily) a CCG (Collectable Card Game) set in the fantasy world of Rokugan, Rokugan is a land based around fuedal Japan, with Samurai and other Bushi all competing for Honor and Glory. The RPG allows L5R players to go a little bit deeper into the world, by taking a character adventuring through Rokugan.

The new RPG system, while somewhat difficult to get your head around the rules system at first (though that might be due to my LONG association with D&D), seems to be extremley good and very ballanced. All in all it was a good night, though still fairly unremarkable.

I am trying (with mixed success) to reduce the number of bad habits that I have. I myself, want to eliminate my swearing as it is really quite unnecessary. My good friend wanted me to reduce my alcohol consumption, my gambling and more lately my V consumption. For a year and a half I have not touched alcohol, and I have never felt better. I have also been able to eliminate my gambling habit, and my V consumption is on the decrease (at least I no longer O.D. on V every other day) but then again, I have been trying to decrease how much V I drink for a couple of days now, so it is far too early to tell if I will be able to keep it up. Swearing seems to be on the decline but it is far from being totally eliminated.

The main point of this blog is to 1) Say thankyou to my friend, who, seeing the way they live their life, makes me want to better myself. and 2) I truly hope that everyone has a friend like mine, patient and loyal and caring and just all round wonderful, I might not have many friends but I don't care, because I am blessed to have the friends that I do have, they are some of the most wonderful people that I have ever come accross.

For those of you who do not know me well (or indead at all), I follow the Code of Bushido instead of religion, I certainly believe in God, and believe in the value of the teachings in the Bible (what I know of them anyway). The Code of Bushido is as follows

The Code of Bushido - The Seven Virtues of the Samurai

GI -Honesty and Justice Be acutely honest throughout your dealings with all people. Believe in justice, not from other people, but from yourself. To a true samurai there are no shades of gray in the question of honesty and justice. There is only right and wrong.

YU - Heroic Courage Rise above the masses of people that are afraid to act. A samurai must have heroic courage. It is absolutely risky, it is dangerous. Heroic courage is not blind. It is intelligent and strong. Replace fear with respect and caution.

JIN - Compassion Through intense training the samurai becomes quick and strong. He is not as other men. He has compassion. He helps his fellow men at every opportunity. If the opportunity does not arise, he goes out of his way to find one.

REI - Polite Courtesy Samurai have no reason to be cruel. They do not need to prove their strength. A samurai is courteous even to his enemies. Without this outward show of respect we are nothing more then animals. A samurai is not only respected for his strength in battle, but also by his dealings with other men.

MEYO - Honor The true samurai has only one judge of his honor, and that is himself. Decisions you make and how these decisions are carried out are a reflection of who you are truly. You cannot hide from yourself.

MAKOTO - Complete Sincerity When a samurai has said he will perform an action, it is as good as done. Nothing on this earth will stop him from completing what he has said he will do. The action of speaking alone has set the act of doing in motion. Speaking and doing are the same action.

CHUGO - Duty and Loyalty For a samurai, having done something or said something, he knows that he is a part of that thing. He is responsible for it and all the consequences that follow. A samurai is intensely loyal to those in his care. To those he is responsible for, he remains fiercely true.

I have a moral dillema, and it mainly resides within virtue number 1 - Gi and number 7- Chugo. I am torn between my loyalty to my friend, and my sense of justice as my friend begins to embark upon the most momentous decision of their life, though leaves their parents out of the descision for fear of repercussions. I don't know what way to turn, I don't know how to reconcile the 2 virtues. Once again I look at my past choices, and I find myself wanting. In the end, I know and accept that it is their descision and not mine, but I feel that I must at least make an attempt.

Here we go again, I have been sitting and thinking about what I do at work, I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, not a huge amount of hours in comparison to other professions (game programming comes to mind) but within Drafting, it is fairly long hours. But do the clients care, no, do I get any recognition for my effort, no, do they just keep heaping me with work, yep.

What sucks is that they descide that I can just carry a greater and greater load. I feel as though I am nearing the breaking point, I haven't hada break in weeks (even to the point of skipping a pair of public holidays).

<Mutter> <Grumble> <Rant> I hate clients </Mutter> </Grumble> </Rant>.