a bowler’s hat on my head

i traverse this path

where’s my dum dum

mister moon

my bed is downunder

but my dum dum

dum dum dum

there you are

Dear Child,

Listen to me. I want you to have dreams and believe them. Believe in your self. Hold tight to your dreams every day, in every thing you do. Anything Will Do seem to be a spontaneous, random, and fun phrase—from a life-embracing nature. But sometimes, dear, it can also be fear and lack of faith in self. Please believe. Whatever dreams you have right now, please believe you can make them come true. Do not let your self stop you from dreaming. Please. Please. Let your face shine bright with dreams.

This, God told me today. And I share it.

this sort of negativity does not rest well with me.

so away with it.

flowers here

to you, for me.

Dear Blog,

I have been trying not to be pissed off about this person for 2 days now, and I think I am pretty successful in the past days. However, I am very pissed right now. Very pissed. Very, very pissed. Ubod ng yabang at mapanghusga. Nais kong magtimpi pero ngayon, parang ang sarap pumutok kaya hahayaan ko na ang sarili ko at ng matahimik na ako.

ANG YABANG MO! ANG YABANG MO! at higit sa lahat ANG YABANG MO!

Bakit ba luha mo ang gamit na pangsukat sa amin? Sa pagkaka-alam ko, iba-iba ang nakapagpapa-iyak sa iba’t ibang tao. Kaya kahit na for a while, nagulat ako na iba pala ang naging reaction ng iba sa naging reaction ko, nanahimik nalang ako. To each their own. Ako, personally, hindi ako na-iyak kasi hindi ko makalimot-kalimotan na isang pelikula ang pinapanood ko (dahil sa delivery ng linya, dahil sa acting, dahil sa scenes etc… Yun lang yun.) Para sa akin, importante naman yung mensahe ng movie pero medyo hindi effective para sa akin ang execution.  At heto nga o, nakakita rin ako ng sympathizer. Naghanap pa ako ng sympathizer, kasi nga naman, I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt. Baka nga naman… Buti nalang may isa akong nakita. Basahin mo kung gusto mo:

http://www.clickthecity.com/movies/?p=6571

Pero alam mo ba, the movie aside, nakaka-asar kasi yung mga dinadakdak mo diyan e. Yang utak mo, nagbubukas-bukasan lang ata yan e–pero hanep, ikaw ang may pinaka makitid na utak na na-encounter ko. Magaling ka lang kasi magsalita, pero hindi kita makitang subukang umintindi ng ibang tao. Puro nalang mali ng ibang tao nakikita mo. Critical mind, literally, and I don’t mean it as a compliment. Masyado kang madrama at KSP. Alam mo, hindi porket hindi kami kagaya mo–mas bobo, insensitive, walang puso na kami kesa sayo. Pero if that makes you feel a lot better about your self, fine.

MAGALING KA! IKAW ANG PINAKA MAGALING SA AMING LAHAT. Hindi ako kontra jan. Pero ang yabang mo. Bahala ka. O yan.

Hay, ayoko ng maasar. Tama na. Bye. Kakapagod. Ewan.

Sometimes, you’re just happy.

HANNA! Go! Live!!!!!

This morning,

you cut my hair

short and colored

it blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Two words

from you.

Blue, blue, blue.

My hair is short,

the color is blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Just like that.

My Sunday is blue.

Two words and

Out of the Blue

My  hair is short

and colored blue.

Just like that, I let you.

It’s been a long while since I wrote to the future. So here I am writing. This morning, I overheard my parents talking over the phone about what shall happen to me after graduation. I hear Mama say she feels I’ll be the one who goes to a Far Away Place. I don’t really know about that. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know if I’ll manage since I’m really the type who is very close to Family. But I’d like to explore my self Out There. If it will be, it will be. If it isn’t that, then it will be something else.

Anyway, it will be an Adventure, I suppose, since I am going to Singapore by myself on the day of my graduation. It will be for a week. I’m eying the possibility that it may turn out lousier than I imagine—just so I don’t raise my expectations too high.

The truth of the matter, darling, is that I have realized that more than anything, the life I want to live (while waiting for you) is the kind of life I would enjoy telling you. Yes, darling, you. And I guess that’s all that matters at the moment. I really do hope we’re the type who talks to each other and all.

But let me update you on what has been happening.

Firstly, I will tell you about my Prom. Last February 20, I went to the Prom with the guy I was telling you about. And, we had, I mean, I had a great time. I think it is mainly because…I chose what I called the “formless”. You see, I almost did not go for many reasons. I thought I shouldn’t because I didn’t have a dress, and when I already had a dress, I felt uncomfortable about wearing the dress, etc…etc…

You see, I am not a dress-wearing girl right now, and for a long time. There was a point in my life when I wore dresses every Sunday, but that was when I was a little kid, and I used to wear it with knee-high socks and a white pair of shoes. My elder sister and I used to have matching wardrobes back then…a very long time ago, and I’m glad I have pictures.

When I reached grade school, I grew a little boyish…maybe because I didn’t think pretty things looked pretty on me. I really cannot tell for sure, but I write that possibility down since I still sometimes have that feeling. Another reason could be—My Dad. My sister was very good at looking (very) pretty and my Dad always told her to tone it down. And so, I toned it down, maybe a little too much, so that he wouldn’t feel the need to tell me. I remember liking some things in the mall, but decided they either wouldn’t look pretty on me, or thought Mom might not like it, or Dad might not approve. I have all these Mights, and maybe I was a little paranoid kid that way.

Well, when it comes to clothes I liked or, to be more correct, I thought looked Okay on me, I wore them over and over again until my Mom finally tells me I have to start wearing something else.

Listen, don’t be too scared like I was okay? That’s all.

What I’m trying to say is despite of my many ‘what ifs’, and ‘I shouldn’t go because…’, I still went. To the Prom, I mean. Because I already knew what would happen if I didn’t go. If I didn’t go, it will be a usual day for me. So I guess giving the Unusual, Formless, I do no know what will happen a shot will be very nice. So, darling, if I may share a piece of advice, if made to choose between something that has form and something that is formless, choose the formless. Just do it and do it with an open mind.

So what happened was, I rode a taxi wearing a white dress I borrowed from Tita Sarah. And I asked the taxi driver to play the CD given by the boy I was telling you about. I was really excited because I was going after all. And it’s nice to do something you thought you wouldn’t do. And I talked to the taxi driver and we listened to the songs and he said he liked them. When I arrived at the hotel, the driver wished me luck and told me not to feel too conscious because I looked pretty.

Anyway, I was getting a little bit nervous because I felt a little uncertain when I saw girls coming in the hotel wearing their 1920 dresses (the theme was 1920s, flapper dresses) and I was suddenly very aware that the bag I was bringing was too big, that I wore my hair too differently, and that my dress was a little more on the Everyday rather than a Dress To The Prom kind.

But really, another part of me was excited about it. Because I was doing something I thought I couldn’t, and wouldn’t have the courage to do. I reminded myself that they went there to have a great time and not to look at what I was wearing. So yeah.

And how right I was. We all had a great time laughing and dancing and talking. I was especially happy because I was with the boy I was telling you about, and he has that effect on me. So, we took pictures and walked around, and talked about the people around us and how good they looked.

Actually, I guess another fun part about it really was because we went there under conditions which some other people would rather not go. (Darling, I seem to have that tendency you know, to take pride in being able to do things other people would have better sense not to do… I don’t know what it really is I am trying to prove, but it is some kind of complex I have.)

Anyways, this letter is a little long already and I have things to do. I’ll write you again some time. Just Be Yourself around me, okay?

Love,

Big H

if i may have the honor of cutting the prolonged crap short,

this i say:

our university is not an ideal.

it is only as good

(or as bad)

as its students–nothing less,

or more.

that, i think, is all there is to it.

–

so much for the fanciful fetishes

that we feed our inflated heads.

(and that includes dear me.)

–

that’s all i have to say about that.

The minute you step out of the shower, it has to be a big hurry. You do not want to write about this—about how you always forget. It was there, the thing you had to say, your little piece–the one that’s been waiting to go out in more visible form, to be expressed, to be let go. You feel once you let it out, life will be a little lighter. But it is now slipping away, as you type this. You remember it’s about a girl, about her body, about a voice, about somebody else, about you. And now, just when you thought it is ready (the minute you step out of the shower) it crawls back in the darkness, back to its indefinable form, out of reach. What is it about toilets and showers?

Come on, you can do it. Try to remember. You thought about your dad. While washing your underwear in the sink, you remembered your dad telling you about it…He said from now on, you had to wash your underwear right after shower. Aside from the other reasons he had pointed out, what really compelled you to do it was not hygiene; it was what he said about the “bad karma” that goes with letting another person wash your dirt. Despite the rational person you always convince yourself to be, there’s your Dad and his karma talks, and you… believing, no, (believing would be an inappropriate word) hearing him. You hear him, like for instance, right there, while washing your underwear in the shower.

Dad was what other people call “superstitious”, “traditional”. Don’t clip your nails at night, don’t sweep the floor after sunset, always wake up before the sun rises, never be asleep at sunset, respect elders (they have powers that can make or break your fate)–those kind of things. But he was also always trying to explain his prescriptions about karma in his “rational” terms. When you are unconvinced, it is ill-advised to point out its irrationality, for as far as Dad and reason goes, it just might be that you weren’t able to follow the logic of his explanation. Still, dear me points it out and we get into an argument. It is very important to be rational with Dad. When nothing else seems to fit, and you are tired to argue, the logical bottom line is: They who are before you, have been in this world far longer than you have. Makes sense, if you ask me.

The thing is, I didn’t necessarily agree with the things he said, but here I am, doing it

(and oh, it’s eight ‘o clock and things to do.)